It's not always a bad thing

[moleman]

I am a fifty four year young man, an alcoholic, suffer.. no enjoy, depression and am absolutely happy.
How can that be? I meet so many people who cant wrap their heads around my life. It started a long time ago and it wasn't always so pleasant. My family was less than nurturing to say the least and my formative years were fraught with pain and disappointment. I grew up a bullied kid who dreamt out the school window of anything other than being sitting there in that classroom. I was super human, handsome, funny and people liked me. Of course that was far from the truth. I was a loner who spent most of his time playing in the creek and avoiding reality. I have been avoiding it since. I have always managed to live in my own world, secretly. So you might ask why I'm happy. Because although I have been an alcoholic my entire life just as my mother was and her father was, and I suffer..no enjoy depression, I have found great peace in who I am. I truly enjoy that when I'm depressed I listen to my favorite music, cook, make a fire in the fireplace, cuddle with my cat with a glass of wine and let a strange, peaceful, warmth invade me. I look at the rain clouds and see the growth of a seedling. I see the world through glasses that are not tinted rose but Grey and blue and sometimes dark and beautiful.
And that's just how my world is. It's not bad. I'm not readying myself to commit suicide. Instead, every day I jump into an abyss. Not an abyss of fear. An abyss of possibility. Every rain drop, every tear, every smile is a chance to feel and to be felt.

[100footpole]

Moleman,

There are other posts like yours on here. Please find them, and acknowledge them. You sound like a very wise man, and your efforts will bring them back to the attention of others.

If you look at the statistics on here you will see that many people read the new posts everyday, but only a few reply.

Thanks for your post.

[chocolateislove]

Thanks for your post. It has actually made me feel somewhat better. It's admirable that you find positivity in something that could be so negative. I also love cuddling my cat, she's always there when I need someone! Lots of positivity and hope for the future, for you

[100footpole]

moleman & chocolateislove,

I think people who are not depressed can take so much for granted. They don't talk about the small things in their lives, good or bad. I think one reason that some people say "get over it" is because they think small events are boring. If you feel the joy of a cat on your lap really strongly, won't you feel the pain of unmet expectations more strongly too.

I think mindfulness allows us to keep a broader perspective, to know that the good and the bad are really the same size, that the one thing we can control is our perspective.