Going Through The Motions

[Ks81072]

Giving this forum a try, since I don't know where else to turn.....Dealing with the blow-back of a second failed marriage. If you ask either one of them, it's all my fault. But then, everything is......I have lost the ability to find joy in ANYTHING. My job is pretty demanding, 70-80 hrs a week, so I have no time for any kind of social life. Sad as it is, my dog is the only living being I have regular contact with outside of work. I feel like I'm living in the film Groundhog Day....every day of my life is EXACTLY the same. I don't really miss the latest wife, as the relationship had deteriorated to the point where it was more of a relief when she left, but I do have a hard time dealing with the loneliness....I've never been very good at being alone. I was raised in an environment where men are supposed to be tough guys, so I'm fully disgusted with myself every time I look in the mirror and see what I've become. All I get from family is the "suck it up, buttercup" type of attitude. I'm here because I don't really know what else to do....feeling completely lost and empty. I'm not feeling suicidal, because to be honest I doubt I would have the courage....Fear I'd screw that up too, and end up worse off than I am now.....Thanks for listening.....

[100footpole]

Welcome!

This is a good site because you REALLY ARE NEVER ALONE, but the next step ... it's not enough is a tough one to get over.

It sounds like you and your dog are going to be OK. Spring is a great time to go exploring with your dog. Sometimes I take mine for two or three mile hikes in the parks around us. I find that people are easier to talk to / deal with when we talk about our dogs.

[Ks81072]

Thanks! I have no doubt that I will survive this, because I always do. I'm nothing if not a survivor. I'd REALLY like to figure out how to do more than survive, however. The truth is, I've been miserable for so long, I really don't know how to be anything else.

[Ks81072]

Decided I should elaborate further on my situation.....Wife of 10yrs walked out in the middle of the night while I was at work, completely blind-sided me. We hadn't been fighting, I'm working 60-70 hrs a week to provide. I come home to an empty house and a note. The note read like she had actually spent the time to sit and think of every hurtful thing she could possibly think of.....It's been a few weeks now since this happened, and truthfully I'm not all that busted up about the actual break-up......What I'm struggling with is the soul-crushing loneliness that comes when the person that has been there for the last 10 yrs is just suddenly GONE. At this point, I'm feeling completely lost.....I've never been all that good at being alone in the first place, but this feels like it's killing me.

[100footpole]

Wow!

I have no idea how my wife puts up with me, which is why I can kind of understand how you feel.

Breakups are never pretty ... it is hard to get your feet back on the ground when a major part of your life gets turned over. I've been laid off a couple of times .... the long days without work would be as bad as your time when you come home.

Two things I like about these forums are the opportunity to vent and the opportunity to share your experiences. I think that's really important to getting re-grounded. After I got laid off I kept talking about what could have happened, it made interviewing for jobs really hard ...

I like your attitude ... wanting to do more than survive is better than I can do some of the time. Share that enthusiasm!

Best Wishes

[Ks81072]

I hear you, but I have no idea how to even start. The thought of starting over AGAIN at my age is absolutely horrifying. Kind of stuck in that "too old to play the dating game but too young to be alone forever" limbo. And as I said, the loneliness really gets to me at times. My mind goes to some really dark places.

[100footpole]

Please recognize that my advice is coming off the internet ... and you should NEVER trust the internet

I read your line:

Kind of stuck in that "too old to play the dating game but too young to be alone forever" limbo

As typical for depression. My favorite ads with this theme is the "Farmers Only" single ads, where the good ol' boy takes a date out on his bass boat, and she complains about everything. In the ad somehow she get's replaced by a good ol' girl who is also on "Farmers Only".

I suspect that your problem is that you and your wife were a team. Before signing up online I suggest that you make a list of things that you want to try or like to do, and then do them. Once people find out that you are single in in the market they will be more than happy to do a little match making for you.

What do you think?

[Ks81072]

I think that's as sound advice as any, yet still a pretty daunting task. I was never blessed with an abundance of confidence when it comes to women in the first place. I'm sure that's what led me to this point. I'm a terrible judge of character, it seems. I let the wrong people in, and get burned every time.

[Ks81072]

A little more background: This isn't just about the most recent implosion of my life. The re's a long history of depression in my family, and this is something I've struggled with since I was a kid. At the same time, it wasn't something that was ever addressed or dealt with. It was a "that's life" sort of environment. I'm sure my old man is spinning in his grave to know that I'm so "weak" that's I'm pouring my heart out to strangers on the internet. "Suck it up and go to work......What happy? NOBODY'S happy." So we bottle.....I've just reached a point where I feel like the bottle is full.

[100footpole]

I hope these posts help you feel a little less alone, a little more normal.

I've found that thinking about other's problems gives me insight into my own. One of the things I try not to do is give specific advice, although I am a firm advocate for drugs and therapy, I can understand when people say that just won't work for them.

I think the big lesson from replying to other posts is that if I can think of something constructive to say to someone else, then there must be something constructive I can do for me.

I think a lot about "Nature" vs. "Nurture". Nature is what we can't control ... there are some circuits in my head that don't seem to fire like "normal" people. I can accept that. Like you, my environment was not particularly nurturing. I pointed out in another post that I definitely have problems trusting. The fact that you have been burnt shows me that you are a good person. There is no guarantee that good is rewarded, but a "bad nature", a "criminal nature" or a "self-destructive nature" have their own costs. We need to nurture ourselves first, recognize our natures, and then use our free will to do what we know is right.