I'm having a relapse and it's making me lose hope

[tlali]

I don't really know what i expect writing this here but I just need to get it all out finally.
A few years ago I had a really bad time, ended up with depression took antidepressant pills for over a year. I had a great opportunity to start everything from the beginning as I was moving to another city to start uni. Mostly thanks to the pills I had enough motivation to go to all the meet ups my uni colleagues organized and made some good friends, pretty much everything was going great and I thought I overcame depression and life would be good now. I made it a completely "new" life as I pretty much broke up with all my old friends (most my problems had to do with feeling lonely and I blamed them for that, not sure if it was really their fault or I was just being emotional).
Well a few months ago someone from my "past life" decided to come back to my life and I guess it somehow triggered something in me. I realized I didn't cope with depression at all, I just pushed it somewhere deep down in my brain to pretend it never happened and cut myself off from everything that had something to do with it. I was so sure I could deal with hard situations but I can't. I tried at first, thought I could do it and didn't seek help. But I've been going downhill so fast, I keep noticing how the last parts of my determination to get better disappear every week. I don't have the strength to leave my room most of these days. Worst part is I live with my two friends and obviously they want to do stuff together or throw parties and they keep inviting me but I just don't have the strength to spend time with people but still when I hear them having fun it's making me feel shitty and useless.
A month ago I realized I'm getting close to ruining my whole new life. I keep getting mad at people for no good reason, I interpret everything as them not giving a damn about me. I try to fight it 'cause I know it makes no sense and I have better and worse days but I'm scared soon I won't be able to stop myself and will fight with everyone and I'll be alone again but this time I don't have any option to start everything from the beginning.
You know what's the worst? When I realized that I decided to look for help. I don't really believe in psychotherapy to be honest but I just needed someone to say all this to. The last time I had depression I talked at least to my parents but then they were so happy I got my life together and was happy I couldn't tell them that it's back and I'm not so happy at all. I also have one good friend who I can tell this stuff to but I don't want to tell him everything 'cause I know it's hard to listen to someone talk about depression and anyway if I keep talking about depressing stuff I'm afraid he'll get tired of me. So I searched for a therapist. We have publicly funded health care in my country but it's hard to get a visit, the best option is to go to a private therapist but I can't afford it and I don't want to ask my parents for more money. So I called a few clinics that provide free therapy and they all told me I'd have to wait at least 3 months for a visit. Do you get how depressing that is? I'm having a breakdown and I need help and they tell me I can get it in 3 months. I could be dead before that happens. I found ONE clinic that registered me for a visit this month, it's 3 weeks from now. They told me it's not actual therapy but a "mental health advice" or something like that so from what I understand, I'll go there, talk about my problems and they'll tell my I need therapy or something, as if I didn't know that. Still, better than nothing. But how ridiculous is that? How am I supposed to keep going and try to get better again when I can't even get f****** help? I honestly don't know how to deal with all of that now. I considered getting a job to afford private therapy but I'm so tired. I'm just so tired of all this I wish I could leave everything behind and take a break from my life. Suicidal thoughts are coming back. Like 2 months ago I was sure I'd never want to kill myself again since I can always think of how if I'd killed myself a few years ago I'd have missed so many good things that happened to me. But now even that doesn't help. I feel so hopeless, I'm betting everything on that mental health advice I'm having in 3 weeks but if that fails I don't know what to do next.

[100footpole]

Thanks for writing.

If you read my history you can see that I've been running with the Black Dog.

You didn't say if you stopped taking your anti-depression meds. If you have is it possible to get the prescription re-filled before your therapy appointment, the drugs can enhance the efficacy of talking.

Please, be aware that your thoughts are being channeled by your depression. After 40 years, depression has become for me almost a matter of faith. Depression makes me see things as bimodal like this:

getting close to ruining my whole new life.

or this:

I don't have any option to start everything from the beginning.

So, what age brings is justification for inductive thinking. Unlike love, for me, depression always feels like the first time. From what I've heard, I think the principal is the same as why women have more than one baby. You don't remember how much it hurts until that bastard black dog starts up again.

I have a son, who my wife and I would do anything for. Please don't let the black dog have you think like this:

The last time I had depression I talked at least to my parents but then they were so happy I got my life together and was happy I couldn't tell them that it's back and I'm not so happy at all.

I can tell you that this:

I don't want to tell him everything 'cause I know it's hard to listen to someone talk about depression and anyway if I keep talking about depressing stuff I'm afraid he'll get tired of me.

Has been true and false for me. I've been disappointed by people, and they've helped me through the slough of despond. You never know, but if you have family that cares that is a great place to start. It is harder to have to write family out of your life, and yes I've done that too. Another lesson depression has taught me is the difference between fear and reason. Fear is SO MUCH STRONGER .

It is often hard to keep writing ... it's helped me ... but the important thing is DON'T GIVE UP. You'll find that on a lot of threads.

(Hug)