My first vent... I'm so alone

[Kwatks]

I think that I've been depressed for a couple months now... and I don't know what to do. My friends all seem to be happy people so I feel like if I told them they'd feel uncomfortable or not really know what to do. I have a friend who I don't get to see as often, and she is depressed. I always try to be there for her because I love her so much. I've tried to hide any symptoms of depression that I have from everyone I know, and all of a sudden my friend with depression, let's call her Susan, texts me "I know this is a bit random and I hope you know this but I am serious and if you ever need to talk to [someone] tell me and if you are going through a hard time please tell me and please don't hide it from me. You are such a great friend and mean so much to me. I would never judge you for anything and I hope you never think you are inconveniencing me but please don't hide anything from me". I told her that everything's okay with me and I feel really guilty. I know that she is the one person that I should feel comfortable talking about this to, but I'm too scared to face it. I have to find solice from complete strangers because it's too difficult for me to talk to people I know about this. I'm drowning by myself and it's completely my fault, but I can't find the courage to ask for help. I want to tell my mom, but I can't bring myself to do it. I know you guys are going to tell me that I need to get help and tell someone about this, but I can't. I'm weak and I just can't bring myself to telling anyone about this. I feel like I'm weak for falling into depression. I was always the one kid in my family who was able to get good grades, but now almost all my grades are c's and I feel like i wont amount to anything. My parents expect the straight a's i used to get so they haven't checked my grades in a while because they think that they're all a's. My family gets annoyed with me and tell me that I should find somewhere else to live (I'm almost 15) and that I'm worthless. I want to get my grades back up so that my parents can be proud of me, but I can't get myself to put in the effort to bringing those grades up. I don't want to work on my grades, I want it to be over. It'd be so much easier for me to completely end this all, but I can't bring myself to do that either. I keep thinking of my family being sad about losing me or my little brother finding my body. I don't want them to think that it's their fault. I feel like my dad is dealing with depression himself and I feel like if he were to think my death was his fault something bad would happen. I'm so weak and I have no courage and I'm stuck in this mess because of myself. I have the capacity to make this easier by asking for help but I cant. This is my first time ever putting these feelings into words and I need help

[CajunKimby]

In all likelihood, your friends and family will react to your depression in the same way you have responded to 'Susan'- with love, encouragement, and support. I know it is still hard to let down your walls at first. Perhaps it would help to adjust your perspective on the matter. Think of it as giving someone the OPPORTUNITY to help you. Doesn't it feel good to be able to help someone? You will be giving them that chance by opening up about how you've been feeling. In this line of thinking, being honest with your loved ones about your depression will help them as much as it helps you. Good luck, and have a Happy Easter!

[100footpole]

That is great advice CajunKimby!

I often think about being evaluated by my actions, rather than by my words. Your feelings about yourself are important to your friends, and although they may not contradict you, they know when things aren't completely right.