I Need Help

[SatanicSponge]

Everyone that I get close to ends up leaving, and it's always my fault. My own behaviour has caused just about my entire family to not even care, save my sister who is my parental guardian, and is probably gonna stop giving a shit about me at some point, and my niece, who is only 10 and will probably grow up to do the same.

It's happened with close friends too. About a week ago, I noticed that one of my friends hasn't talked to em inf orever. I messaged them saying I missed them. "Mmk" was what I got back. That's when it started up again. Then, I was talkign to another friend, only to realize that she planned on commiting suicide later in life. She says that she's numb, she can't feel anything and that she's basically pushed all her friends away. She isn't the only one of my friends who ahs told me that she plans to kill herself later on in life. It hurt equally both times.

Then there was a new girl in my school who quickly started to become a pretty good friend. Then something happened with her and another student. She reported it to the school and mentioned that I was sitting with her and that student at dinner the Monday of that week. The student had showed her something, she mentioned to the school that she hadn't agreed to watch it, but then I told them that they did. That Friday, i texted her after school and she told her that she was mad at me. I've been purpousely avoiding her since then.

All this week I've hardly left my room. I stopped talkign to my friends, didn't eat, and spent the days lying in my bed, wallowing in my own depression. By the end of the week, I started feeling better. then something happened with one of the friends that made me fall again. Instantly, those feeling I had all week came back. I was calling myself a useless piece of shit, a f*** up, someone who can't do the simplest things right. I can't keep a friendship, every time I try it ends in disaster. My friends say they will never leave me but so many people have said that before. They ended up leaving. I felt completely useless, like all my friends were better off leaving me before I made our friendship worse. I guess i wanted their last memories of me to be the happy kid I used to be. One of them even said I've changed and they wanted the old me back. They said that this me was the reason everyone was running.

I don't know how much longer I can take this. I'm starting to feel suicidal again and I just don't kow what to do. I've even decided that I'm gonna take Monday and Tuesday off of school so I can just lay down and be alone. I've tried getting help from my friends but it always ends badly, with either an argument or I'll just say 'f*** this' and I'll stop replying.

My sister is coming to pick me up today, I live at my school's campus, and she knows that I'm not okay. She told me that she wants to know what's going on and I just don't know what to tell her.She's probably just going to go on about how people do care about me, but that's just not how I feel. And even if people do, why? Why should someone waste their time caring about someone like me? There's nothing special about me. Everything someone thinks they can see in me, they can easily find in someone else, someone better.

i didn't always feel like this. I thought I got over this depression a long time ago. Then all my friends started leaving. I developed this fear of losing people. maybe it started when I lost my mother, or my first real girlfriend, but either way, it's happening. I've lost a lot of people I really cared about in the past couple of years and thinking of losing all the people I have now, scared the shit out of me. I guess I realized that there was nothing that I could do. I guess I just gave up.

[100footpole]

I am ambivalent about therapists, but when I was in a place like you described therapy gave me the tools to put my life together after the fact.

If you are living away from home I am sure the school has provisions for getting help. Alternatively there are numbers you can call to discuss your feelings for free and listen to someone's advice.

A way you could indirectly discuss this would be to get someone at school to host a multi-night showing of the up series. Or maybe you could just read the character summaries to find out that there are people who have made it through where you are now (particularly Suzy and Neil, but also many of the others).