15 Years Depression - I Feel there's only 1 way to end it

[UKD]

No matter what I do, where I go, people I talk to, I am never noticed. I want to live my life, go to a party, have fun but I can’t; I am an introvert.

During my school years I had a sports injury that left me with a partially cracked patella, snapped knee ligaments and soft tissue damage. However, due to me keeping to myself and never letting anyone in to my life, I carried on in nearly unbearable pain for weeks before I went to the hospital for my injury. Doctors were amazed that I had been able to continue to walk on it with not so much as a single pain relief tablet. This had significant repercussions both mentally and physically but I continued to walk unaided although I needed to have special treatment in school such as leaving classes 5 minutes early to avoid the next lesson rampage. This made me a huge target for bullying and the bullying continued for over 3 years. Every day none stop. There were days where I’d not show up at lesson, other days I wished so hard that the main kids bullying me in that particular lesson, wouldn’t show up that day. But it never worked. I even had a recipe I printed off to make people believe I was ill so I could stay off school. I’ve been pushed backwards off class benches, punched and kicked along with the onslaught of verbal abuse. Then to my disbelief, teachers joined in too; the people that are apparently there to protect you. I was isolated; lost. I have repressed my school years. I was shown a picture of 14yr old me with friends from school... apparently it was a really memorable day and everyone can remember it; I remember nothing.

My first relationship was in second year college. She was a real hottie. Why she chose me was something I couldn’t possibly understand. All was good for a while. She was a few months older than me and legal age for drinking is 18 year old here so she was out for a night out while I was at home. I had a strange feeling something bad had happened. I found out she cheated on me. That left me feeling crushed and at the same time, empty inside. We carried on but on the eve of my 18th birthday she came back from the city with her friends and called me while they were driving and as they were talking, counting down the seconds till midnight, there was suddenly a huge crash.. and then silence. She died that day along with one of her friends. The boy that she cheated on me with then got a gang of his friends to beat me up on my birthday because he blamed me for what happened and I did nothing. Why? Because I blamed myself for her death too.
I attended her funeral but none of my friends or family really knew her so I said that she’d left me instead of telling them the truth that she’d died. I pretty much went into hiding for over 3 months, some people I know even posting on my facebook and messaging me asking if I was dead.


One of my great friends I was in college with took drugs and drank heavily; purely for fun. He asked me to go out one night and I made up some bullshit introvert cover story like “ohh I have to go walk my dog 5 times today because he has a weak bladder”. Anyway, he took drugs and was really drunk and started to play some game with a few others, near the road when you basically dodge cars as you run across a high speed road at a bend. He got hit and died apparently almost instantly. He never goes out the house when he’s drinking with me because he knows what I’m like. If I was there I could’ve stopped that from happening.


My next relationship is my most recent one. Again another hottie but this time from Canada; what can I say, I love accents from Canada and the USA. We were so far apart but yet so close, so in tune with each other. She did notice me for who I am, the first person I felt that I could be genuine with. Have you ever had that feeling where everything just clicks and pieces of a scrambled up existence suddenly unravel and fit together like a jigsaw? That’s how I felt.
Her story is also sad, losing her mother and then eventually her father, her older sister running away from home, probably stuck in prostitution now with no hope of finding her and her brother undergoing rehab. She suffered from anxiety and depression and through the years I've known her as a friend with that blossoming to a relationship, I’ve talked her out of over 8 suicide attempts and got her to go get help to take her to hospital if she had done something (pills or slit wrists). Everytime I did this it made her hate me more and more to the point where she'd refuse to speak to me, her boyfriend, for days because I’d stopped her from killing herself. Each time I’m thinking to myself “should I support her in her choice to die or should I try to be a rock for her”.
She needed to go to rehab so I told her that she must go and it'd help her. That prevented us from been together while I was in Canada. That hurt so much. The months and months apart, to work towards meeting but then when I get there the rehab place wouldn't let her have me as a visitor. So I'd travelled thousands of miles for nothing. I was crushed. Less than 2 weeks after I got home, she was kicked out of the rehab place and was so happy to be going home. I was distraught.
She then cheated on me in a motel on a road trip journey, left the relationship, came back but was also flirting with other guys and when I told her not to flirt with them she said "it's just their personality". This went on and on, making me hate myself more and more but knowing that she was the only person to accept me for who I am and what I've been through and that meant everything to me. Enough to stay with her.
She broke the relationship again and I didn't talk for 8hrs or so, just slept. During that time, she messaged me 3 times and the 4th was a suicide note blaming me. Lot's and lots of pills. I tried to talk to her when I woke up but no response. 7hrs later her brother finds her on the floor unconscious and she remained unconscious in hospital for over 3 days. Luckily she woke up. I have literally been there every other time she's tried to commit suicide, she knew she could count on me to stop her but this one time I wasn't there, she nearly died.


Everyone that knows just part of my story has left me. Won't talk to me.. nothing. Everytime I send someone a smiley face emotion or even type "haha", I feel like I'm lying to myself. I look around me, look at everyone and all I see is pain. I look at myself and all I see is unhappiness and pain. Everytime I'm not busy, I think dark thoughts but I know I can’t do anything about it because for the last 15 years, all I’ve had instilled in my life is that I am nothing and nothing can't do anything. My family hardly know I exist, so there's no point in telling them that the girlfriend that died in the car crash, didn't just leave me like I said and that the last relationship she nearly died because of me. My family know nothing and never will because they want me gone, just as much as others that hate me.
I keep it all to myself. Why? Because I'm terrified. Not only about what people would think of me but also that they'd leave me; reject me like others have who don't even fully know me. I already feel isolated enough. I grow more sure everyday. The more I'm cast aside the more obvious it is.


Me and my ex, got back together a week ago but that's only made me feel worse because of what she's done, said and how she won't be reasonable. I'm telling her over text, pleading for her to help me accept things, asking for her help, so much that it physically hurts but she's totally oblivious to it. The one person I could really talk to properly about this, won't listen, won't even make time to talk to me because she lives an 8hr time difference away and wants to spend time with her friends. We could meet for the new year but she won’t because she want to be with friends instead of me. I feel like the only person I can talk to has put up a brick wall against me with just 1 brick missing, like a peep hole and that’s all I’m allowed to see of her. I really need her to help me, similar to how I helped her but she's not here for me. I feel completely isolated. Stuck.


Then also recently, one of my closest friends that I met online, also had a bad story. His mam died in his early teens and his dad took it very badly, turning to drink and drugs. He’d create a diary and write to me, telling me the things his dad had done drunk, from hitting him to knocking him out. He blamed my friend for his mother’s death. One day it all got too much for him so he took his father’s hunting rifle and shot himself. I was there for him, to listen. I should’ve done something for him but I didn’t.


Today I went to the dr's so that I could be better for myself and help my relationship too. I talked to the dr and he gave me some pills and almost a counselling session. He told me to maybe express what I was feeling before and then say what I'm feeling now and that could help me be better with people. It wasn't a lot but enough to get started with.
I felt quite a lot better and went home and started talking to my girlfriend, telling her that I went to the dr. I told her that my trust for her wasn't great but it's better now and I've realised that it was always strong but that bad thoughts had clouded my head so that I was unable to see that I've always trusted you.
She latched onto the "not trusting" part and had a huge argument with me. I'm trying so hard to tell her that it's not that at all and that I do trust her, but she won't listen. She says our relationship is over. Then a few hours later while I'm out, she texts to say she's sorry and it was her fault and she was really tired. Then I get the text maybe 40 minutes after she sends it and now she's retracted her statement of wanting our relationship.


I feel so helpless. I was so happy today that I was beginning to get a real foothold over my thoughts and she left me when I was told to express the previous bad thoughts and then show that they've changed by expressing the good thoughts. Now I feel lower than when I went to see the doctor. I thought I was doing the right thing.


The worst part is, everything I’ve said, I blame myself for it all.

[lygimom]

I think you have made a good first start by going to see a counselor. One day of counseling, in my opinion, will not help you reconcile your guilts, your "feelings," your past, etc. You need time to work through all your past and present day choices and consequences with someone not attached to them.

Life is a struggle for all of us, What we do with them determines our path in life. Have you looked at your choices and do you see a pattern that may not have been the best for you?

I pray you will continue with the counseling. Really examine and be honest with yourself and to the counselor. Put blame in the right places. This isn't easy or quick to make changes but you can be a "new" person in time as you let go of preconceived guilt, shame, denial, etc. Regardless of past issues or people, you are the one in control of your life from this day forward. You don't need others' validation of your worth. You have value and a purpose in this life.