My life is pain

[Ronin]

I am ronin.

I have spent most of my life in great pain. I have RSD, shoulder, back and knee issues. I suffer with gout and at least weekly migraines. My pain level is on the Mcgill pain index a 42.

Mental health wise I have a major depressive disorder and PTSD. I get panic attacks cannot stand crowds and loud noises.

I am divorced and pay my ex who makes $100,000 a year while I make $12,000 a year on permanent disability child support for my one beautiful daughter who is 8 yrs old. I only get partial custody because my ex lied on the stand and had a lawyer while I could not afford one.

I see a therapist weekly and get meds but my future is so bleak. I will be homeless soon even with help from the government.

yes i have

food stamps $26.00 a month
SSD
Applied for voucher for a living space but will still have to pay 30% of what I make plus utilities.

I have done everything possible. I have fought the good fight, but I am down to one last bullet.

I have fought depression for a long time I have attempted suicide a few times. Twice I took enough pills to kill me twice over but I survived.

I have no family that I speak to no friends. I am an Atheist. I have a daughter but I think that things are about to turn so rough that she will be better off without me.

I am ronin

[jael4483]

I understand how u feel an wish I had words of wisdom but I don't. I suppose most of us here have faced life like u.....but we are still here. Must b we are really not wanting to die. I know I don't. Maybe someone with good advise will b brave enough to advise u an I will read it for me too.

[porcupine]

Your daughter wouldn't be better off without you. Have you tried different medications for your pain and depression?

I wish I knew what to say. Life is so cruel. I feel like I'm in quicksand. The more I try, the further I sink. I even fear doing well though. I worry some horrible thing is going to happen to knock me down and it usually does.

There's always some complicated problem, I have to deal with. Sort one thing out and then another pile of shit drops on me. It's not through lack of trying. Situations outside my control strike me.

At the moment, it's abandonment, possible homelessness, and depression. I hope things get better for you. All the best.