I just can't cope anymore.

[stephanie_803]

I'm new to this and have no idea how this works and what i can/cannot say so please excuse any mistakes I happen to make, thank you.

I've suffered with depression since I was a child and am now about to be 24 and still dealing with it. But unfortunately when I was 17 years old I started getting into pills to cope with my issues, well fast forward 6 years and i'm still using to cope and at this point cannot go on if I don't take my daily pills, if I do happen to go without them I go through the worst depression i've ever felt in my life. I've come to realize that my pill use is only a fraction of the problem and the real problem is that i'm a horrible person and I hate who I am and the pills numb that part of myself, at least for the moment.

I've been through a lot of rough things in my life. I was abused as a child and emotionally abused as a teenager by my mother which has caused me to have major mother issues, was raped when I was 19, screwed over by every guy that claimed to love me, screwed over by friends, was homeless at one point and my friend at the time said I could stay with them but the next day said they were moving out of town (yeah right) and basically dropped me off on the side of the road with all of my belongings in the middle of no where. I had to deal with that all by myself, I never had anyone. I had a good dad if you could call him that but he always went along with anything and everything my mom did/said to me. I was always wrong and she was always right in his eyes. Most of my family lives in europe and the rest are scattered in the wind. I have an older sister who lived close but she was never there for me either. So I had to deal with all of that on my own, I know that i'm probably not the only person who's been through things like that and i'm positive that people have been through worse things but either way it emotionally destroyed me, which is why I turned to pills in the first place. It was the beginning of the end when I started taking them. I know that i'll be told that this isn't a drug forum but just as some of you take anti depressants, my anti depressant just happened to be opiate pain killers. When I take them i'm actually happy and don't care about all of the things that i've been through in life and unfortunately as they have helped me they've also completely messed up my life.

I'm 23 right now, about to be 24 in a few weeks and I have nothing to show for it. I go to college but am flunking out of it, I don't have a job, I bring in no income and I still live at home with my parens, and currently I don't drive. All i do is go to class, come home, do nothing but just sleep and eat and I could easily stay cooped up at home for weeks like this, which is what I do when I don't have class. I know people my age and younger who have their own house, married with kids and have a well paying job, even people I know who are younger then me have that already or are pretty close to having that. But me? Nope. I'm not even close to that. I'm a bum, I know that and so does my family and even worse then not doing anything or contributing is that to feed my habit for pills I sometimes steal money from my parents, in the last 6 months i've probably stolen well over 500$ and stole their pills, i'm ashamed of myself and hate myself for it. I want to be happy and I want to have that happiness without having to rely on pills, I want to be on my own and I want my own family and a good job but I know I never will. I'm too far gone to be saved. Yesterday I got pills and was going to take the rest of them and put a bag over my head so that when I passed out I would suffocate as I slept and I desperately want it to work because I can't live like this anymore and I can't deal with the fact that i'm bringing down everyone around me with me. It's one thing if i'm suffering by myself but i'm stealing from the people around me and I don't want to be a burden on anyone ever again. Maybe by some miracle someone on here will give me some shred of hope to keep on living and beating this thing, if not then I appreciate you listening to my whining. Oh and I know some people will say just to get therapy or whatever but I don't have access to that, my parents don't believe in it and since i'm on their insurance and since they drive me everywhere they'll know what I'm trying to do and will immediately refuse to take me and will lecture me, so that's not an option. Neither is talking to my parents because they're not the understanding type. Thanks.[/b]

[porcupine]

I think you need to be your own best friend. When going through difficult times, think about what you would say to a friend in your situation. Also, live in the present as much as you can. I've heard that depression is caused by dwelling on the past and anxiety is caused by dwelling on the future. If you do worry about the future, think what you can do in this moment to help your future, then forget about it and live for now.

It is awful to be abandoned in difficult times. It's happened to me many times. It's just happened to me recently. My brother has moved out and left me to deal with everything on my own. I'm worried about bills and my pets. If I die, what will happen to them. What he has done is so cruel and selfish. It's worked out great for him, while the animals and me have been left to rot.

It's very hard, but I think it's best to be as independent as possible. I'm lonely, but people often make me feel lonelier, when they leave me to rot. I feel like I have to pretend I'm alright in the outside world, otherwise I'm preyed on or abandoned. Sometimes, I feel like I've been left in the middle of nowhere, with no friend at all. It's terrifying, but yI don't need these horrible people.

[lost&hopeless]

Sometimes having people around who are supposed to be "there" is actually worse. I am battling depression and am going through an awful break up and I've found that being around people who are supposed to care makes me feel horrible when compared to hanging out with an acquaintance who talks about nothing but surface level stuff. It's almost like an escape from your mind to be around people who don't know what you've been through. My recommendation is to look online for groups of people who share some of your same interests. Use MeetUp! It's certainly a temporary fix, but the loneliness and abandonment is more about you than it is about people.

On that note, the pain you feel is real. The relationships you have with key people in your life are real. And no matter how many times people tell you things will be ok or to deal with it, sometimes you just can't. So be selfish and steal some good things from good people. Their time. Their laughter. Their intelligence. Just try to meet people who might spark something that creates a happiness in you that overshadows the bad. Even if only for a short time.

With regards to where you are in life. You are very young. At 23, I was still in school as well. And doing horrible. My father was dying of cancer, my mother was batshit crazy (I also have many deep-rooted mommy issues), and I had to move back home with her because I had no money. It sucked, but it wasn't a constant. Even if you don't finish school now and need to try again in a few years, you will find a job to make some money to go out on your own. Separating from your parents will probably give you some of the relief you desperately need. The every day reminder of a broken relationship with your mom certainly doesn't help. But you will get out of there. I'm 31 now and made the decision at 24 to save up a little money and move across the country. I have since lived in a few new cities and there are ebbs and flows, but being away from my mom has helped my mind tremendously.