Lost

[lost&hopeless]

Last month my ex-fiance ended things with me and I just can't cope. We were together for almost 4 years. The last year was a really heart-breaking experience and we were not in a committed relationship for the majority of the last year. But we used to love each other like crazy. It all started to get complicated after we got engaged. Looking back now, he was not ready to take that step and I believe the only reason he proposed then was because of a fellowship he was in the running for and the only way I could move with him was if we were married. I believe he wanted to show me the world and be by his side, but I think he was proposing THAT more-so than a life of marriage and commitment. In the back of my mind, it was a fear which led me to become insecure. The insecurity started infiltrating everything in our relationship. In fact, I looked for things to be insecure about. When he wasn't home, I'd read through his emails and when he'd tell me he was grabbing drinks with coworkers, I'd google any females that may work in his office. Of course, once you go searching, you will always find things you don't want to see. This is when the arguments began. I would hold everything in until a night of drinking, when I'd have the courage to confront him about things that were bothering me.

With that said, things with us were still really great. I can only look back now and see how some behaviors led us to here. About 8 months after we got engaged, he came home from work and told me he had to talk to me. And that while I was away that weekend, he got drunk and kissed someone. I was so hurt and upset, but we talked through it and he expressed how he felt like he wasn't getting what he needed from our relationship. That once we got engaged, things became all about me. And I guess at that time our sex life had died down a bit because we were at that 2 year mark where you get comfortable. We came to the conclusion that maybe we just rushed into the whole engagement thing. And so I gave the ring back. However, I was fearful of being judged by family and friends, so I hid the fact that we were no longer engaged. And when we'd go to family events, I'd put the ring back on and we'd just tell people "we had no plans to get married anytime soon". Hiding the truth made me feel even more insecure. And that led to more arguments and bickering. About 14 months after the engagement, he told me that we need to move on and that things weren't working. I begged and pleaded to work things out and he agreed we'd try. But not even a month later, he told me he found an apartment and was moving out.

It was really hard, but once he moved out, we continued seeing each other, but clearly saw it being something completely different. I was always trying to win him back and he was happy having a commitment-free relationship where he didn't have me to answer to. We were still sexually exclusive for most of the year. I had trouble trusting him though. And started snooping again. I would google different usernames that he uses for social media accounts and found a dating profile on match.com. I confronted him and he said "it meant nothing, but we weren't together." This is where the big problem came. He needed me to change my behaviors and insecurity to be together. Yet his actions and lack of commitment were the thing contributing to my insecurity. We just kept going in circles. Repeating the same argument over and over. But I decided to force myself to stop putting pressure on the situation. And when I did that, he called me up one night and told me he wanted to get back together but that we needed to take things really slow. I agreed and we were back together for about 4 months before we hit another major issue. I thought things were fine, but I guess he didn't feel like he was able to "share" his life with me for fear of making me emotional. And one night on the way to dinner with friends, I saw a familiar app on his phone when he scrolled through. It looked like OkCupid. I started getting upset and he asked what was wrong. I said "I just saw what you have on your phone" and he said "What?" and I said "what do you think?". I guess he realized he had been "caught" and said "Oh tinder? I downloaded it as a joke when I was with my brother." So now I learned that not only did I see OkCupid, but he also just admitted to me that he had Tinder downloaded. I don't know if he ever met anyone from either of those apps, but regardless, it was unacceptable to be scrolling through girls or talking to them when I am not around. He then said "it's probably a good thing you saw it, I don't think this is working." We put on happy faces for dinner and then I cried my eyes out after at his place. He once again told me that I needed to change. That my emotions were stressing him out too much. And that I was acting like my mother in that I guilted him for everything. The next day I was a mess and wanted to talk, but he had made prior plans to go to brunch with some friends I didn't know, so I went home. He got wasted and called me to come over later. When I got there he was telling me to never leave him and how much he loved me. When I told him what he was saying the next day, he apologized and said he didn't remember and felt bad bc he knew it probably hurt me more. That was back in February. He said he needed space. So I finally did.

After a few weeks, he contacted me for a booty call. And then we went back to no talking. Another 2 weeks went by and he suggested we meet up again, but this time I said I needed it to be more. And he said "as long as I don't expect us to be back in a relationship tomorrow, he was happy with that". Again, after that we took more space and I continued to work on myself. Then I reached out and so on. It became more and more frequent until we were with each other 1 or 2 times a week again. But he still didn't want a relationship. So my insecurity began to creep in again bc I was getting more and more attached. He also told me that he had been out with a couple of girls. And I tried to tell myself that I was ok with it, but got drunk and unloaded my emotions on him again. That was one month ago. He told me that we needed to move on because that night made him realize that things will never work. We agreed to meet for dinner to talk. But he cancelled saying it was a bad idea. We texted back and forth and I was a mess. He then told me that it was probably not the right thing to do to keep this a "thing" since he was "seeing someone". This completely through me for a loop especially since he told me he didn't want a relationship. And now he was considering someone elses feelings over mine. We did end up meeting to talk, but only for about an hour. We talked about what went wrong and he reitterated that we need to move on. I asked him if he had feelings for this person. And he said "enough that I shouldn't be doing this here with you." Hearing that killed me and I started crying saying that I couldnt believe he was just replacing me and that I was scared he was going to fall in love with someone else. He laughed and told me it wasn't like that but that what we were doing wasn't good for either of us. At one point in the conversation I told him I wanted him back and he said the only way that can happen is if I move on. Which is obviously an oxymoron. That day was the last time I heard from him. I texted him 2 days later to wish him a safe flight when he went to visit family. No response. Then I waited a month and just texted him today to tell him I got a new job. No response.

The past month has already been absolute hell. I can't sleep. I just cry all day. Then self-medicate with a bottle of wine. I did try to help myself by spending time with friends and working out. But nothing seems to help. I've found myself researching suicide and today just made that urge stronger. I guess I thought that we'd figure things out, but he's clearly cutting me out of his life completely. I still live in our old apartment and everything here reminds me of him. I can't bring myself to take down pictures and as much as friends and family try to help, I just don't want the help. I don't want to move on without him. The thought of not being with him is too overwhelming for me to deal with. I can't even talk to anyone about it because I'm ashamed and embarrassed that the "story" they have heard for the past year was a lie. I just don't know how to go on. Everything in me wants to call him and cry into his voicemail in hopes that he'll feel bad and answer, but I know that it will only make things worse. And I know everyone keeps telling me that it's over and I need to move on and I'll find happiness, but I literally can only hope for him to come back. Any other path is not one I want to be on.