I'm drowning

[ccedillo7]

Hey, everyone! I'm a newbie, please try to bear with my story.

I'm18, I've been 18 for 9.8 months. Ever since the day i turned 18, I've been saying one thing jokingly but no one ever realized that i wasn't kidding "i feel old, like I'm gonna drop dead any second".

Last june, i started out with the same summer routine, go to an endocrinologist, get diagnosed, get my meds, take them for a while, then once the school starts stop. I've been doing this for so long that I can't even express it, I'm as of right now, morbidly obese and have too many illnesses to count, but i still don't take my meds or even eat healthily. My family is pushing me, forcing me even to get a surgery but i don't want to have to change myself.
During the same period, i realized that since this year would be my last year, i'd be torn apart. I was right, totally right. I never had or will have a long term friend, i always got jealous of people who had one of those since i couldn't have one myself. I'm gonna graduated in a month, i already feel disconnected and already know how next month is gonna work out. I have 2-3 close friends that I'll lose since I've lost each and every one of my old ones. I've been infatuated with someone for over than 7 years, who btw hates the living out of me.

I've been accepted by the university i wanted, which is abroad. My parents were cool with it, at least that's what i thought when they told me to apply and to get a student visa. But as of a couple months, they've been pushing me hard to study so that I'll go to a good university in my country. This fact completely blows everything out of order, because they don't answer why, they just tell me to do.
I have this weird relationship with my room, that if anyone's inside, i get claustrophobic hard and my mom is pushing that.

I don't like changes that i didn't make.

I've been feeling unappreciated by my friends (I'm considered honorary school head); extremely disrespected, confused, overwhelmed by my mom (she never stops talking nor leaves me alone, I'm sick of her voice and of her existence. She only talks about my health and my prospective education in our country which i don't want);; I feel like I've lost my will to live. I just can't imagine anymore my future, I'm drowning, just hoping that a car hits me to end everything. I feel numb and at the same time overwhelmed. I'm suffocated, I've been following the same types of routine. I'm angry that no one realizes I'm falling apart.

[Mitali Chaudhari]

Hi there, don't be so negative. You won't lose the friends that you already have if you take an effort to be in touch with them even after graduation. And health is the most crucial thing in life. When you stay healthy you automatically develop confidence and start feeling good about yourself. So, take your meds and exercise a bit so that you can stay healthy that way. Change is always good in life. But when somebody changes something say for example in your room you can always change it back to the way you want. Because we can only control what we want to do and not what others feel like doing. You don't want a college in you country right? So, follow your heart. Tell your mom that you don't mind studying hard to get a good college here but that's not what you really want. Explain her that even if you do get a good college here you won't give your best shot because your heart is not here. Because in life, you will only regret the chances that you didn't take. And this is a beautiful life sweetheart, it is the greatest gift that you have. Start thinking about the things that you already have and start being grateful to them. Always remember to speak your heart out, no one in this world can force their decisions on you, you have to take charge. It's your life.