So tired

[Lupercal]

I'm so tired. So very. Very tired. My body is exhausted. My mind is a desert of scorched dreams and hopes. I don't feel like there is anything left for me in this world. I feel absolutely done. There is just nothing left.

I've been depressed for over 11 years. With small breaks here and there. I thought my life was on the upswing again. Little did I know life doesn't work that way. I've lost 2 important friendships and relationships. I've had to withdraw from school. I can't keep a job. I can't keep my sanity.

I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go. I feel so out of everything. I don't feel like I should be happy anymore. I don't feel like I deserve to have a nice life. I feel like everything I touch I destroy. Even those I've cared most for don't even talk to me anymore. Therapy doesn't help me. I can't talk to family because I don't want to worry them and it doesn't help to talk to them. I can't talk to friends anymore. I don't want to keep bothering them with my problems. I'm already a broken record. Why should I ruin their happiness with my sadness?

I feel so empty. So unloved. So direction less. I'm so tired. So very. Very. Tired.