unwinding fast

[PrincipleInCast]

I'm not entirely sure why I'm writing this. I guess because I know I need to get it out. I've been dealing with depression/possibly bipolar since I was about 13. I'm now 33 and although episodes off and on I've been doing quite well until recently. I always get a little down over the winter and typically can keep on top of everything by keeping on top of my diet, exercise and sleep. I don't really get down just worn out and a bit of a fog. This year I can't stop crying, I'm starting to not care about work - showing up late, not taking pride in providing quality. I can't keep myself from pulling away from people (I've been eating lunch in my car), and I feel like a complete bitch to be around. I feel like I am losing everything and am dragging people I love down with me. I'm tired of feeling like a f*** up and tired of needing other people to help me. I can't look ahead because I don't feel like I'm solid enough to ever have anyone else depend on me like kids or a spouse. Sometimes the worst part when I think of killing myself is realizing it may be weeks until anyone noticed I wasn't around. I've been through this enough to "know" what to do but I can't seem to snap myself out of it and for the first tim win a long time I'm actually a little afraid of myself. How do I keep this from ruining my life and pushing away people I love. I wish I could disappear.