This is my first time dealing with my depression

[KellieL]

Hello. I've never shared with anyone about my depression before. I've just been keeping it to myself for the past 10 years. Most people who know me would not even know that I'm depressed. I grew up in a Christian household. When I was little, I was very happy. I used to run up to people and hug them, I was always laughing, and I couldn't stop talking. As I grew older, I became taciturn and always walked with my head down. I always tried to do good in school but was always angry because I knew that I was smart, but felt like I wasn't living up to my full potential because of how my parents treated me. I always tried to do whatever I could to keep my parents happy (clean the house, wash the dishes, cook for everyone, etc.), but they always found something to blame me for. My parents kicked my brother out of the house when he was 18. They said he had a bad attitude but he had a bad childhood. When I was little, my dad used to bend my brothers fingers backwards until they almost touched the back of his hand. He always told the doctor that he sprained his fingers. My aunt took me shopping at the toy store once and I picked out marbles for my brother. When I gave them to him, my dad was mad at my brother and made my brother smash them with a hammer. My brother now lives on his own and surprisingly has a good relationship with our whole family. I wish I could be as happy as him. I still live with my parents because I'm trying to get into graduate school, I'm poor, and they're not rich, so I need to help pay the mortgage. Even though I try hard to keep them happy, my parents blame me for almost everything. I have a younger sister, but she goes out a lot and she complains, so my parents don't give her many responsibilities so that they don't have to listen to her complain. They know that if they ask me to do something, I'll do it right away. I feel like they want me to fix everything, but I can't. There's only one of me. I think I also suffer from PTSD. When I was little, I was in the shower, and my dad told me if I didn't hurry and get out, he was going to drown me. I was probably 6. When I was 13, I was getting ready for church and my dad said that if I didn't hurry up, he was going to drag me by the hair to the car. I try to forget about it but I can't. A year ago, I graduated with a Bachelor's of Science degree. I invented my dad to come and watch my thesis presentation, but he didn't want to. He works at the college I went to. My friends' parents flew in from other states to watch their presentations. I'm trying hard to study to get into grad school but I spend a lot of time crying. I don't think I'm that smart because I stopped caring about my grades after high school. My mom helped me with my homework once in my whole lifetime and when I asked my dad for help, he would get angry if I didn't understand. I'm so angry because they go to church every weekend and they're leaders of their bible study-they teach other people how to live good lives but I feel like they're just hypocrites. In college, I barely talked to my parents about anything. They never asked me what was wrong. Instead, my mom told me that I should fix my attitude or I might just get slapped in the face. Nevertheless, I always try really hard to be a good person. I'm always very nice and polite to people and I always try my best to make others happy. My goal is to be smart and get my master's degree but I feel almost worthless right about now. Sorry for the long rant and thank you for listening

[JonsDragonEyes]

Hi there Kellie. My name is Star. I'm pretty rusty when it comes to helping people but I would sure like to try.

It made me so sad to read everything that you've been through. In my heart I keep seeing that little girl you described when you were younger. Always running up to people and hugging them and laughing. I know that it's been years since you've probably felt that wonderful feeling you did when you were that small but please believe me when I tell you that part of you is still very much alive inside of your heart.

The nightmare that you've been through won't last forever. I have no doubt in my mind what a beautiful , amazing person you must be.

Please don't ever lose your goal of getting your masters degree. And please don't let the cruelty of other people take away the person you are meant to be in this world. We are all born with wings that can fly us to wherever our dreams in life can take us and nobody has a right to take yours away.

The world should have more people like you in it. Please hold on. Keep your head high. I know you said you feel worthless but I guarantee you are far from it.

Whenever you feel alone you can always come here. I know it's just a website but we do care here.

When you think you can't make it always remember tomorrow opens the door to new hope.

My fingers are crossed for you and know I do believe in you.

love and hugs always

p.s. Will you please keep coming back here and updating us on how your doing ??

[KellieL]

Hi Star! Thank you for listening to my story and offering much needed sound advice. I do believe that things do get better but sometimes I feel like it can't happen for everyone going through depression. I usually wake up with a positive attitude but the bad memories, anger, sadness, and frustration usually come to me when I'm at home studying at night or in the shower, when I have time to think. I just wish I could stop crying every night. I will continue to study and will let you know if I get accepted into graduate school. Thanks again! It felt really good to let my feelings out somewhere. I don't really want to see a therapist and it is good to know that I'm not the only person suffering with these types of family problems.

[JonsDragonEyes]

I know exactly what you mean. Waking up and feeling like you can finally conquer it and then it turns right around and punches you in the stomach. We have to keep believing though someday we will wake up and punch IT in the stomach. Depression can't win forever. We were all born to survive right ?

love and hugs

[InquisitiveBeing]

Hi KellieL

I'm new on here but I've been dealing with severe depression for a fair few years now.

Your story is touching, and I think considering the circumstances you've done amazingly well. If you are looking for advice on your situation, I can't give you any. I think we all deal with things differently, and all believe our course of action is better than most if not all others. Unfortunately what works for me might not work for you and vice versa. You must find your own way.

What I can offer however, is support. I can lend an ear when you feel like you need to talk, but nobody is there to listen. I can have just a normal conversation with you, when you feel like you've had to talk about your condition too long. I can be there, when you want to reach out to someone.

I've been through a lot in the last 9/10 years. I've been suicidal for most of those years and acted upon it twice. I've been in hospitals, on heavy medication and had people assigned to watch my every move. I've been at that point where you feel like it's almost over, and you can see the other side. A side where you are not depressed and live a normal and happy life, only to fall back into a pit of self loathing. My point is, I am not the person who will judge you.

so if you ever feel like you need support, don't ever hesitate to pm me. I may not be able to tell you how to make it magically better, but I can be a friend.

[KellieL]

Thanks for listening InquisitiveBeing I'm still trying to figure this online forum thingy out. I'm sorry to hear about your story but thank you for sharing. I sometimes feel a bit guilty because I know a lot of people have it a lot worse than me. Sometimes when I'm angry and I think about all the people who have been physically abused their entire lives, whose parents abandoned them, who are homeless, and who have absolutely no one, I try to make myself stop crying because I have never been in those types of situations. I've read a few of the stories of this forum and I feel like I should just be grateful for the things that I have. Right now I'm just confused about life and the world and I pray for you and everyone here that things will get better. Cheers!