why am i here anyway?. my intro. *****could trigger****

[emily67]

hi,

so i figure i should post a little more about why i joined this forum:

i'm 25, and i'm duel diagnosed. bipolar, anxiety disorder, and D (multiple personality disorder)

on top of that, i self harm quite a lot- we're talking not being able to go 2 or 3 days without doing it

right now, i have reached a point in my life where i'm not sure if anything's worth it anymore.

i can't work, so that's that out the picture, and education (such as school or colledge), never sat well with me.

not because i didn't enjoy it- i love history (especially medieval times), but because nothing goes in. i'm told something, and then as soon as i'm told it's forgotten

i've been trying to take a variety of courses in the past few years, but i'm always told i can't continue for 1 reason or another (my stability, the level of support i need, etc) and that to me now is a dead end. i've no qualifications, and can't see myself ever getting much of value.

my days are spent mostly at home, reading, listening to music, watching tv, or surfing the internet for new exciting things to do (like online games, which i love trying out) especially things that involve lots of variety.

i find myself not relating to many people, partly because i've got very few interests, an also partly because i find at 25, their's a lot of things that i've not done (that people my age would have by now)

my support system is virtually none existent, with my wehole family out the picture (really bad physical and emotional abuse), all i've really got are the professionals- and even that's a struggle now because of my family's attitude.

i'm on my 7th therapist, and to say it's helping wouldn't be right at all.

i don't feel i'm any closer to figuring all this out.... i'm at a stage where i just wish life would be over and done with.

oh yeah, i first attempted suicide at the age of 9. (not just a joke attempt/ a fit of rage or anything), i actually knew what i was doing- and people today still come up to me and say your issues still must have been pretty big back then

why i'm here is to hopefully gain support from others, to maybe share stories of my abuse (though maybe not just yet), and to feel safe about telling people these things

that's me.

long time coming, but their's my intro

[100footpole]

Emily,

Not sure if you'd like this or not ... but one thing I do is go on mturk.com and look for posts I like doing. There are surveys, and funny online tasks, sorting pictures and things like that.

I don't do mturk for the money I do it to try to make a difference. You get money for doing the tasks into an account that you can use to buy stuff at Amazon. I had a hard time getting my Amazon payment account to take the credits, but now I have bought things for other people on Amazon and paid for them using the payment account from Amazon. I earned $60 worth of merchandise last year ... which was a couple of paperbacks I sent to friends.

Give this a try ... it is kind of like "reading, listening to music, watching tv, or surfing the internet for new exciting things to do". If it works for you talk to your Therapist about things you could do with the money you earn . I have made donations with Amazon Payments to Wikipedia ... I've been thinking about contacting the people that run this site to see if they've thought of taking Amazon Payments too.

[emily67]

thanks..

will try it out..

[TracyM]

Thanks for the post about mturk. I had never heard about it. I just registered..

[100footpole]

Thanks for the post about mturk. I had never heard about it. I just registered..

Save some of the money for taxes too! They report your income to the IRS.

[SilentPain]

I know you said you've tried taking classes in the past. And if it is something you still would like to try to do that I'd suggest going through student disability services. Having options like having a note taker taking tests in quiet spaces with extended time helps greatly. I struggled in college and finally gave in to going through he school for supports. Just an option to keep in mind. I also had live scribe which was a huge life saver. This may have been tried already but if not it is defiantly worth it.

[SilentPain]

I know you said you've tried taking classes in the past. And if it is something you still would like to try to do that I'd suggest going through student disability services. Having options like having a note taker taking tests in quiet spaces with extended time helps greatly. I struggled in college and finally gave in to going through he school for supports. Just an option to keep in mind. I also had live scribe which was a huge life saver. This may have been tried already but if not it is defiantly worth it.

[100footpole]

I like your message ... accepting help seems harder than suffering for me. It is probably the depression ...