So hey, you wanna' see my ugly self ???

[Itsonlyme]

It seems nobody posts photos of themselves on this forum, and that's fine.....

But with my situation, maybe my looks are a BIG part of the problem ?

Not so much by being just flat out ugly, but rather, by just being mean, and scary looking. Sorry. It's called genetics.
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Oh, and all that BS you hear about feeling good about yourself, and your accomplishments... Ha ! Yea' right. NOT if your accomplishment is gaining some muscle, and getting ripped > when you were already pretty big and ugly to begin with.

How ironic is it, that I feel really good about myself in the Summer, in a tank top and shorts, fresh after a workout, and yet get zero attention ?

Then, I go out in the Winter, all covered up (with my dysmorphia, to this day, if I'm covered up, I feel obese and gross) and yet I actually get a "little" more attention this way ???
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Anyway, I will post a photo or two of myself, if a few of you ask me too.....

I give myself about a 4, on a good day, when I'm smiling So, if you gave me a 2, that could be right, and maybe I'm just really used to my ugliness.... but if you gave me a 6 or higher, I'd say you need to get your eyes tested LOL

[Itsonlyme]

Oh and BTW, I wonder if anybody here, or anywhere, for that matter, who is morbidly obese, and in terrible physical shape like I was 5yrs ago, ever thinks to themselves > "If only I could lose a bunch of weight, and become really fit and healthy, I'm sure it would help, if not cure my depression"

Well, I did all this ^, and it hasn't helped at all.

So I sit around thinking, if I didn't have to go through all of this BS by myself, I'm sure it would help, if not cure my depression.

But maybe this is totally wrong too.

Maybe I could hit the lottery (get into a relationship I mean to say..... for myself, about the same odds) and still end up just as depressed as I am now ?
But I honestly don't think so. Not that I didn't have some down X's during my 7yr relationship (18yrs ago) but I really don't believe I suffere3d from chronic depression back then, either ?

[Ieris]

I know you feel insecure about your looks but I wouldn't say that's the sole reason you get turned down. Fair enough some people may not be attracted to you but there are other factors too, such as your approach, whether there is any chemistry, whether that person is single and looking etc.

Just because you are single it doesn't mean there is something wrong with you, so stop looking for a problem to fix. There are people who are rich, poor, fat, thin, clever, stupid, attractive or unattractive who may or may not find someone. It doesn't mean they are lacking, that is just who they are.

We can be extremely critical when it comes to ourselves and it really doesn't help when we constantly put ourselves down. Try putting yourself in someone else's shoes, what would you think about you?

I wonder what thoughts go through your head when you approach a lady. Do you think you're going to scare them off? Do you think you're going to win them over? I ask because I was wondering if you give a positive vibe or a negative one.

[Itsonlyme]

Thank you Ieris

Insecure about my looks.... Well kind of, but only because of the lack of attention I get. To say, "bewildered" by my looks might be more accurate. I say this because as I have said, I don't think I'm as hideous to look at, as my almost complete lack of attention, would suggest.

I totally agree on other factors going against me too.... Heck, its pretty obvious that if they are in a relationship already, they are not going to be open to a date (at least, they sure should not be !)

My approach though, is just another one of those things that bewilders me ? I say this because (and not to brag, but just fact of the matter) I am extremely personable, and have had some of the nicest conversations with women in passing....

So, when I have a conversation like this ^ with a woman who I might consider, I have often said something like, "Hey, I really enjoyed our talk And I'd love to talk some more, or go for a walk... or whatever...

And so far, all I have heard is mostly.... "Awe, that's really sweet, but I'm actually in a relationship" {to which I'm usually thinking, then why doesn't he put a darn ring on it" !? ...or, likely excuse.

One lady told me, "Id love to go for a hike with you.... But I have MS" Wow Nice lady too.... but with my whole life revolving around fitness, and back packing..... eh.....

Another said, "She was just too soon out of a 3yr relationship, and not ready to jump right back in.....
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What would I think about me ? Well, that I'm average looking (okay, a 4 is slightly below that, but anyway I do have a friendly, disarming smile I'm fitter than most Americans at any age, and a LOT fitter than the vast majority of 50yo men.
That I sound friendly, intelligent, polite...

Thoughts when I approach a lady ? Well, just so long as I can get recognized by the lady in the first place, and of course if I can illicit a smile, I feel pretty...uh.... not nervous anyway. Wouldn't go quite as far as to say I was confident. Where the heck would that come from if I haven't gotten a woman to go out with me in 18 yrs ?
{well, not exactly true. I did get one certifiably crazy girl (not in a mean way.... just like the light are on, but nobodies home) to go out to dinner with me last year... coincidentally, I saw her today. All this taught me was, "Yes, I guess it is possible to stoop low enough...... to get a date"
Just don't see how her "train wreck" of a life, is going to help my own train wreck ?

Anyway, each time I've had a hit and miss, with a woman, I've always felt that they walked away feeling at least a little flattered, that they were being hit on by this really nice guy "even if" I was not their type.....
And I've never felt like I should not have asked one out. Always went as smooth as it could have, except for the outcome


Oh, what the hey.....
Here's a couple of my most recent shots.
In the first one, I probably look a little nicer, as I wasn't straining too much....


I like the second one better, because I look more swole / ripped.... but again, I know woman couldn't care less about that anyway.....



Don't let the photos fool you though. I really am a sensitive, soft hearted guy. I'm like the real life version of Shrek

[Itsonlyme]

Oh, and I meant to say,
Isn't it ironic that so much of the time, I'm feeling obese, weak, scrawny... {dysmorphia in full effect} and at the very same time, I am positive, their are at least some woman, who probably think, "I bet that guy thinks he's the shiz, because he has some muscle, and is a little ripped" .....
Uhhhh, well... actually not.

On at least a couple of occasions, I've had woman say something, or have that tone like, "I must know I'm muscled up or whatever" to which I did the little short, "Ha ! Yea .... look up dysmorphia when you get a chance.

[100footpole]

Thanks for posting those pictures!!!!

You are not ugly .... a little scary maybe, but not ugly .

I went to look for your other post to recommend that you take a look at the video "10 hours of Walking in NYC As a Woman". It is clear (to me) that Shoshanna Robertson is not separating herself from the men who are harassing her. It is also clear that separation would decrease but not eliminate the harassment.

In particular, look at the one guy hitting on Shoshanna asking her if she thinks he is ugly. Look at ihollaback.org ... there might be suggestions there for how to interact. My quick look just saw fundraising ... although the dance might be a cool place to go to interact .... Just don't holla.

To be honest ... from your picture ... I suspect that some people are picturing you as a "playa". How can you stay true to yourself and evoke honesty and sincerity? I don't know.

[nxalone]

hey man,

First off I want to say your tattoos are awesome. They look great. And you are in great shape. I am going to speak man to man for a second and I hope you don't take offense to it. But you could get the body of Arnold and be Mr Olympia and still feel the way you feel now. The problem isn't your outside, it's how you view yourself. You gotta realize my man that you are wonderful JUST the way you are. You don't need to dress the part, get attention on the boardwalk or anything like that. You gotta realize that who you are is wonderful enough. People suck...a lot...and I've learned that if I rely on them for my esteem then I am destined for failure. You don't need a lady to validate that. You just need to be confident that if you are true to yourself then eventually the right lady will come in. But until then you are golden. Have you considered dating yourself? It sounds like you need to fall in love with yourself man. Plus girls dig guys that are confident and don't need them. Just my two cents man.

-nx

[100footpole]

Dating Myself!

Great title for an Ebook. You should write it ItsOnlyMe.

Take pictures and talk about what a great date it was or wasn't.

You look so happy in the sideways pose. Were you sad then?

[Ieris]

Wow, totally not what I expected. You look awesome! Well done for getting in such good shape, it has really paid off.

To be frank if I met you, I'd feel a little intimidated because you have this mean, tough guy Look. Truth is you really are lovely and a talented photographer, so people shouldn't judge a book by its cover. As 100footpole said, people might think you're a 'playa' and its hard to shake off that impression even when you're not.

I say to my friends that 'confidence' is a very attractive trait to have. However, it can backfire when people think you're out of their league and it starts to make them feel insecure. I think when your tone it down, you may get more interest. Like you said, you get more attention when you're covered up so maybe that will appeal more to women..

[Itsonlyme]

Well thanks all. I really appreciate the feedback.

100ft, I watched that vid, and IMPO, the guy that asked if he was ugly.. several X's, was a little too pushy. However, because he was medium build, medium height, and brown skinned, he'd almost certainly get 10 X's more attention than me, from women > even if he was ugly.
As lame as it seemed, I bet this same approach has, and will continue to work for him on occasion. {the girl in this vid was obviously not going to be picked up by anyone, regardless of their approach} Whereas, if I tried the same thing, I'd get the cops called on me, and maybe arrested for harassment > mostly because of my looks.

A playa' ! LOL That is just hilarious to me ! Sure, and I'm a ballerina on the side LOL You'd have never guessed, right ?

Oh, was I sad in the photos ? Hmmm... I'm sure if I'd have taken 5 min to sit down, and go over the train wreck that is my life, yes, at some level, I'm always sad. But to compare to most other X's, I was probably pretty well focused on other things that day... great weather, great workout, etc.

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Nxalone, no offense taken whatsoever. On the contrary, I appreciate your thoughts.
Well, when you said > you could get the body of Arnold and be Mr Olympia and still feel the way you feel now. The problem isn't your outside, it's how you view yourself <
Well totally ! This would be the definition of "dysmorphia"
But this is only one of my list of issues. As I have said, I do actually love myself for all kinds of things !
I look at myself in kind of a "split down the center" kind of way.
Half of me has all kinds of great things, personality, talent, intelligence, etc..... But the other half is my mile long list of issues... OCD, ADD, dysmorphia, etc.

I can, and often do, flip back and forth between my "great person" side, and my train wreck side.

Anyway again, I just don't know where any confidence would come from, after a life time of being shot down. Oh sure, I could "pretend" everything was golden, but I'd just be lying to everyone around me, and to myself.
The reality is, I go to bed wishing I could just die.... and wake up thinking the exact same thing.

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Ieris, your right, that people shouldn't judge a book by its cover, but they certainly do, and I guess I just have the worst, most misleading cover....

Of course knowing this ^ I do try to break the ice with a friendly "Hello" and often, woman (and even a lot of men) sound relieved.... Like, "OMG ! I'm so glad he's friendly...
And after that, I do often have really nice little chats and encounters....
and then, about once every several months, I might start talking with a woman who is the right age (35-55) decently healthy, friendly, attractive enough "to me" {could not care less what anyone else thinks} and no ring on her finger, as I have said, I have, and I will, ask her if she's like to talk some more, or go for a hike or something sometime....

But so far, not once.

Like I have said, its really ironic, as I'm sure their are women who think "I probably think I'm TheBomB.com"...... When often, nothing could be farther from the truth.

So, I can hide under my cloths {like I did most of my life} making myself feel like a gross, nasty, fat pig... and from one standpoint, maybe this will make me more attractive ?
But if confidence has anything to do with it (which everyone seems to think it does) then now you must understand, that whatever confidence I had in my looks, or physical self, and gone WAY out the window

I mean, as far as trying to be "semi-confident"...... Wow.... I have been such an all or nothing kind of guy my whole life, this is really, really hard for me to imagine. I'm usually either 1) completely bummed, with zero confidence..... or 2) very confident, and totally bewildered as to why women don't want anything to do with such a great guy" ?

Hmmm....

Thanks again to all of you