Nihilistic Buddhist

[Joshua1628]

Wow was that arduous just to sign up to post. Well I'm severely depressed so everything is arduous and painful and exhausting and futile and whatever... Anyway, my therapist has me on Welbutrin150mg and I'm on day 3. I've been told it takes a few weeks to start working, but yesterday I had a major breakdown while talking on the phone w/ my Mom. Sobbing and telling her I feel so alone and lost. When I don't have to work or see therapist I don't do anything but eat, watch at TV, and play endless rounds of spider solitaire. Sometimes I call my sponsor ( 4 years without alcohol), but he barely seems to care. I have no wife or kids. I really do not have any friends, acquaintances yes. If not for my cat I really do think I would try to end it all, but even that instills fear in me. I left the greatest job I ever had 6 months ago thinking things would get better for me, but they got me here. I'm a workaholic whose very identity is tied to my career. I spent the last year plus working there 12 hours a day watching the women who rejected me fall deeper in love with another coworker who was once a friend. My boss even was tangled in this emotional knot. Thanks for letting me vent and always remember the First Noble Truth in Buddhism is Dhukka-life is suffering.

[Ieris]

Hello Joshua,

Thank you for sharing your story.

You say you spend your time off watching TV, eating and playing games, but what would you rather be doing instead?

Is there a reason why you don't have wife and kids? is this something you want? Many of my workaholic friends also don't have a wife and kids, their careers are more important to them I guess but that's ok not everyone wants to get married or have kids. Why don't you have many friends? Do you keep people at a distance? Truth is some people still feel alone even when they have friends, a spouse and kids. So sometimes it has more to do with what is happening on the inside and not who you are surrounded with.

Sorry to hear what happened at your work place, not nice when you take your emotions into work. I know you think you're not in a good position now, but is it better to be here or be back in that same office watching those 2 get together? You left for a reason and instead of regretting that decision, why not focus on what you want to do next? How is your new work place?

Have a lovely weekend x

[Joshua1628]

Thanks for the reply. I recognize that the isolation and loneliness of depression can occur in those with family and friends-its a symptom of the condition. I am just trying to express how alone I really am. I probably do keep people at a distance or for some reason I'm never invited to play with others. I know I could do the inviting, but that seems impossible in a depressed state. Years of alcoholism have done little to help, especially considering I just wanted to drink alone. The alcoholism has not helped in the girlfriend department either. I just want to be happy and sometimes life truly is so beautiful I want to share it with someone.

Thank you also for pointing out that I'm probably better outside of the suffering of my former employment, yet it really was a great job. All I can do now is try to rebuild my life. I hope you have a good weekend as well.