It’s the same thing every Day Night, I using crawl out of bed sometime between 3 – 5 pm, boot up the PC or laptop cheek my shit online, facebook emails etc. order takeaway and settle in for a mind numbing night of shite TV, uselessly surfing the net, trying to find something entertaining to watch.
The problem is I’m not working, and I have fare to much time on my hands. I belong to several meet up groups, I’m constantly making plans go on the arranged get-togethers, but I enviably cancel at the last minute tonight was Group Meditation in the city. Dam I was looking forward to that one.
I really need a reason to get out of bed in the morning, I haven’t really had one since I dropped out of uni, at the beginning of last semester. I have plans to go back to TAFE next year to continue studding; I really want to do Mental Health. I’ve done peer support work in the past and really enjoyed it. It’s just started pissing down outside my bedroom window, the thunder is booming in the back ground we are in for a worm (loud) wet night.
I’m so over this DEPRESSION, and anxiety, this apathy toward life. I need to go and hunt down some food!
So, I gave in to my addiction yet, again. (Not like I ever put up much of a fight.) Grease fat and sugar YUM! For dinner I had a Turkish gozleme; and for desert… well that’s where I really indulge and overdose on my addiction. 750ml dare iced coffee, a 176g bag of pods (Twix) I already fill sick, and i haven’t even started on the 458ml tub of Ben & Jerry’s Triple Caramel Chunk.
I feel like shit! I always do this at night, I binge on SUGAR & FAT! Then I feel like shit afterwards. I’m over 130 kg’s this really is killing me. Yet I don’t seem to give enough of a shit about myself to make any real change. I get really board with trying to eat healthy. The truth is I’m OBESE; & Depressed. I hate myself I hate me life can’t stand the way I look, I hate the way I feel. This is not the life for a middle-aged man.
I really need to get some help for myself… in April of this year i was told that I was pre diabetic, meaning that i desperately need to cut out sugar eat healthy and offcourse excise. to date I have achieved none of this. GOD I really hate this shit! I wish i could just go to sleep one night, and when I wake up the next day my life would be easier not perfect, because I know nothing is ever perfect I just want simpler. I sick to death of the fight my whole life has been a struggle. nothing has ever come easy for me, I was never cool popular at school, I’ve always had to fight for even the slits bit positive attention. I never truly known love; not for my own mother or father, not from relationships when i sit and truly think about it I have always felt as I do now empty and hollow inside .
I’m just feeling sorry for myself; I have no real reason to be this depressed! Ok I’ve had a lot of shit go wrong especial in my childhood; which has led to me making stupid mistakes as an adult. But it’s not like I’m homeless, I have a roof over my head; I’m not staving, even though I’m not working at the moment I can still feed myself pay my rent and put cloths on my back. Although I really have to start to think positively about the future, I’ve been out of work for so long I have no conference about getting back in to the workforce, I’m over 45. How did that happen? I don’t think of myself as middle aged, although my body often dose. Let’s face it I’m just a guppy old man & I have been for years! Everything pisses me off. The cost of living, reality TV, the environment, the stat of the planet, Religion, the Ebola virus but most of all inconsiderate dumb people! I feel better already.
Alright Mr McMurphy
Enough of the depressive stuff, time for some positivity I’m meeting with Mark tomorrow to talk about personal training and nutrition. I heard back from the from the support grope RE: meetings. This is a good start, although I’ve been here before! I need to keep the momentum going. I lose focus way to easily and inevitably give up and wind up back in the hole.
The same old song
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Hello Darko,
Thank you for sharing your blog.
I think something you can try is make a note of what will happen if you don't change and also what can happen if you do change. Weigh out the pros and cons to motivate yourself. You have probably been living the same day over and over again, but what is so special about this day that you can't move on? When do you intend to start living the life that you want to live?
I often hear people say they are waiting for the right time and it never comes, so they have wasted their life waiting. Waiting for what exactly? I don't know, maybe a miracle, someone to do the work for them or waiting for things to just change? But why wait when you can make those positive changes today! now!
I am glad that you ended your post on a positive note, that you are making positive changes and getting started. I must say starting is difficult but staying motivated is even more difficult, so I understand what you mean about wanting to give up after as you start to run out of steam. One way to tackle this is self discipline, a bit like training a child or a pet. You have a reward system, do your homework and you will get a sweet. What you don't do is give them the sweet first as they won't be bothering with the homework as they already got the sweet. In some ways you are spoiling yourself with treats but too many treats is a bad thing and loses its effect when you don't use it correctly. It might sound silly but some times we need to treat ourselves like a rebellious child, you know exactly how to deal with them and what needs to be done - whether you take the soft or tough approach is upto you. Definitely look up some self discipline techniques and note down the ones that you know will be effective (often the ones you don't like as it makes your life uncomfortable and difficult!)
I learn a lot in these forums and something that really interests me is The relationship people have with themselves. For some, everyday is like going to war, the daily battles which sometimes you win and sometimes you don't. Imagine if people stopped beating themselves up and instead of treating themselves as the enemy why not made friends with them. How different will their lives be? Sorry I am drifting off into a completely different topic so will end it here.
I wish you a good start with your personal training and nutrition with Mark. Hopefully he can give your some good pointers that you can stick to!
All the best x
Thank you for sharing your blog.
I think something you can try is make a note of what will happen if you don't change and also what can happen if you do change. Weigh out the pros and cons to motivate yourself. You have probably been living the same day over and over again, but what is so special about this day that you can't move on? When do you intend to start living the life that you want to live?
I often hear people say they are waiting for the right time and it never comes, so they have wasted their life waiting. Waiting for what exactly? I don't know, maybe a miracle, someone to do the work for them or waiting for things to just change? But why wait when you can make those positive changes today! now!
I am glad that you ended your post on a positive note, that you are making positive changes and getting started. I must say starting is difficult but staying motivated is even more difficult, so I understand what you mean about wanting to give up after as you start to run out of steam. One way to tackle this is self discipline, a bit like training a child or a pet. You have a reward system, do your homework and you will get a sweet. What you don't do is give them the sweet first as they won't be bothering with the homework as they already got the sweet. In some ways you are spoiling yourself with treats but too many treats is a bad thing and loses its effect when you don't use it correctly. It might sound silly but some times we need to treat ourselves like a rebellious child, you know exactly how to deal with them and what needs to be done - whether you take the soft or tough approach is upto you. Definitely look up some self discipline techniques and note down the ones that you know will be effective (often the ones you don't like as it makes your life uncomfortable and difficult!)
I learn a lot in these forums and something that really interests me is The relationship people have with themselves. For some, everyday is like going to war, the daily battles which sometimes you win and sometimes you don't. Imagine if people stopped beating themselves up and instead of treating themselves as the enemy why not made friends with them. How different will their lives be? Sorry I am drifting off into a completely different topic so will end it here.
I wish you a good start with your personal training and nutrition with Mark. Hopefully he can give your some good pointers that you can stick to!
All the best x
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