The lonely life I despise so much

[XavierHP]

Lately I have been talking to this girl on my school... or at least trying. I have problems with communicating with people, and I even think I might have problems with expressing my feelings, and always sound somewhat apathetic (and pathetic too). But deep inside me, I have this need to find a significant other, someone that can help me tackling on daily life and its problems. It makes me very sad to think that after all those years I never got even close to finding someone like this, even after trying to do my best, meeting a lot of people.

My "friends" also don't help me. The guys I usually hang out with all mock me for never being capable of developing a relationship with girls I meet, and they don't care about they being single as well. They are fun, but can be very cruel, too. They don't understand all the agony this gives me. It first happenned with another girl I met last year. It even got to the point when one of them would talk to her to get in my way and complicate all the matters. She ended up leaving the school, and we never got to talk to each other. I decided to move on.

Anyways, with this new girl, I can talk to her sometimes, but I think she doesn't really care about me that much... it's just, it is always me who goes after her, and I think she isn't interested in me. Those "friends" also mocked me when she was walking with another guy yesterday. Of course, I'm not that jealous, and didn't think that it would be such an issue. But it seems that the fact they are meddling with my search for love triggered the bad feelings from the same case in the past. I avoided talking too much with them today. In fact, I didn't speak with many people today, not even her, since I was very sad. I realise I shouldn't be doing this, because I want to have people on my side so I can share my pain, but when I'm in my worst state I always isolate myself, and this brings me even more pain, knowing that the thing I'm most afraid of in the future is being completely alone.

To complicate matters, today was the day my father left to work in the other side of the country, and my mom got upset at me because I didn't express myself when I was saying my goodbye to my father by phone, and just said "uh-huh", and didn't say "have a nice trip". She rubbed on my face I would be a lame psychologist if I didn't speak much. This ironic, snarky side of my mother when she is upset makes me go mad! I didn't want to talk to anyone, so of course I'd be speaking less! To be fair, she has no idea of what is going on with me, because I don't want to talk to my parents about it. They are good people, but I simply don't seem to trust them. I'm very distant from my parents.

I'm sick of my life as it is right now. I look at myself and think "what qualities do I have? Why would anyone show interest in someone as pathethic as me?", and I'm sure that if I went to that girl and confess my feelings, she would just say "no, of course not!", and as time passes on, day by day, I know I'm getting closer to reaching this dreaded lonely future, and I observe as I'm too helpless to do anything to change my fate.

I just need someone who I can talk to, that I can trust. I just want to love and to be loved. Is this too much to ask? Why am I cursed with this loneliness?