My story

[debanedaemone]

I've dealt with depression for many many years now. I've never been to a doctor or anything seeking help. I grew up in a Southern Baptist household that believed highly in sparing the rod meant spoiling the child, and by that I mean that I would get the crap beaten out of me on nearly a daily basis by my stepfather. My mother never did anything about it, except turn her back. When it came to light and DCFS got involved, my mother informed me that if we lost our home, it was all my fault.

I spent a good deal of my childhood hearing how I would never be good enough or how no one would ever love me. It screwed me up pretty well.

After high school, i was kicked out, and I spent about six month house hopping with friends trying to find a place to settle down enough to get a job. Moved in with my dad and his wife before joining the army.

After being in the army just shy of six months, I was medically discharged due to steel plates in my right arm (thank you stepfather), and got sent home. Once again I was playing the game of househop, finding a place to stay while getting a job. A friend of mine from high school told me to move up in VA, which i did, and spent the next six months or so living on the streets.

I met a girl online and moved in with her. Was actually happy for a time until we broke it off on VAlentine's Day. I later discovered that she had had an abortion. I moved to Florida after that and wound up staying with a nice couple and their three kids for three years.

Over the last ten years, my life has been a lot of moving from place to place, holding a job temporarily until someone either needed help from me, at which point being the infinite genius i was looking for acceptance, i'd quit my job and run to help them.

The last six years I've been back where i grew up, holding a job for about 5 years. I met a girl three years ago and let her move in with me. She had a rough childhood also, and I thought that maybe I could let her move in and help her get where she needed to be.

For three years she lived with me, not working, only having to clean and cook as her share of helping. She got a job six months ago or so, and made new friends, shortly afterwards she starting cutting ties with all of her old friends.

I never knew anything was even remotely wrong until two weeks ago when I came back from an out of town trip to find all of her stuff gone. She was staying with her new friends, apparently had cheated on me, and now seems to think that I've been manipulating her and using her for the last three years.

All I really care about is knowing that she is ok. I don't want her to make the mistakes I made when I went through all of my crap, but I can't stop thinking about her. The past two weeks have been a literal hell for me: my sleep is off, I can barely eat without getting sick, and my nerves are shot to hell.

My boss is giving me a promotion and a temporary job out of state to try and get my mind off things, but all i can think about is if she's ok, and why she would ever think i would do those things to her.

I would give anything to know that she's happy and ok. She said she wanted to remain friends, but she won't talk to me.

I don't know what to do. i've already moved beyond the suicide stage, but that's only because I made a promise to a guy almost 20 years ago that I wouldn't kill myself. We aren't friends now, but I still hold that promise.

I just don't know what to do. THere are more things that are involved, but some of them are highly sensitive in nature.

[JonsDragonEyes]

Hi there debanedaemone. It's nice to meet you. Don't ever let anyone EVER make you feel like you are not good enough or worthy of love. From what I read of your post you sound like a very caring and giving person. I hope you find the people who appreciate you the way you deserve to soon.

Please don't give up hope on that. Take Care Always ( hugs )

[debanedaemone]

I wouldn't say I feel that I am unworthy to be loved, it's just something I heard all the time growing up. It's like that voice in the back of your head constantly whispering how you're a screwup that will never be able to succeed at anything, you'll always be alone, you're a failure in life, etc. etc. etc. Most of the times, I can ignore it or make jokes about it. Now and then, it just gets to be too much to handle.

Being in a new location helped, and actually sitting down with my two bosses and explaining to them the events that has transpired in the past few weeks helped even more. I know in some ways I'm luckier than some kids who had to deal with that crap, and in a lot of ways I'm thankful for it. I know it sounds screwed up, but if I hadn't gone through that bit of hell, then I never would have been able to survive the things that have happened since in my life.

[JonsDragonEyes]

I'm very glad that you survived them debanedaemone.