A Story

[Ghost_Warbler]

I guess I've always felt kind of sad, since I was a little girl. I remember being 6 years old, and not understanding why I didn't feel very good about life or myself. I used to get into lots of fights with other kids, especially those bigger than me and in the upper grades. Most of the time I felt very angry, because beneath it, I was sad about how critical my parents were, especially my mom. She placed a lot of responsibility onto my shoulders, now that I think of it. Most of what I remember as a 7 year old all the way up to my current age (23), is how she laid on the couch all day, and told me and my brother to clean up the house. If we didn't do it, she'd scream, cuss, or throw things. She was also very willing to punish us for really small things, or things that were not even our fault. I wasn't allowed to accept gifts from people, or I'd get a ceaseless amount of resentment for it. If I forgot the mayo, she'd say that she wished she had better children, who weren't as stupid and pathetic as us. I lived for her. When we went to amusement parks, she told me what to ride, and if I didn't want to, she would be furious, yell, and scream at me until I did what she said. It never mattered if I was uncomfortable. If she wanted me to do something, she would scream and make threats until she got her way.

When I was in high school, I started going to therapy sessions, and got medicated. One night, I accidentally met with the wrong therapist, and when I came back out to the car, my mom would not stop telling me how stupid I am. The whole ride back to our apartment, she kept saying that she was so angry..that I was that dumb. I..kind of started to cry, but tried to do it as quietly as I could. She still saw, and got angrier..told me to shut up, and that she didn't want to hear it. Whenever she needed anything, I had to take care of it. Put her dishes away, help her spell when she wrote letters, help her do the math for her banking, make sure our old house was clean by the time she got back from taking our stepdad to work at 6:00 AM...even though sometimes I'd have to get ready for school within a few hours. I remember how sweaty I would get from housework, and trying to do it as quickly as possible, haha..

She's always had this martyr complex, and anytime someone talks about how they feel, she discounts what they say, and uses one-upmanship. No one's sorrows can ever compare to her's, pretty much. Her children have to pay for all the wrong that's been done to her. We have to atone for it, somehow. When something goes wrong in her life, the blame is our's. When I think of how she would talk to my brothers, it makes me feel very angry. Once I get the resources, I want to help them to feel happy. I want to make up for the things she made them feel. I feel as though she didn't pay enough attention to them sometimes. They have speech impediments and learning difficulties..and they're very isolated and nervous about people. It feels like such an injustice.

But...lately I feel worse than usual..because I had a romantic interest who turned out to be a user. My other friend told me that he was planning on using me for a one-night stand, and then never talking to me again. She doesn't see how this affects me and my sense of trust within friendships. To know that two people I felt close to had that kind of conversation about me...just really..really..hurts on so many levels. The other night, she told me that she respects him because he offered to hang out with her, when supposedly no one else would. I didn't offer because she told me she wanted to be alone. But..respect him? When I explained how I felt, all she could say was that I'm the one with the problem. Nearly all of my other friends say they can get along with him perfectly, and that I should just get over it. She's my closest friend, and she is unable to see how she's breaking my heart. She doesn't understand that she can't see things from my perspective because he wasn't going to use her. She didn't even stand up for me when they talked about me. She just told me that she was angry at what he said, but didn't want to say so. So, she allowed it to happen. Everyone tells me that they just love him unconditionally, and can look past his mistakes..but the thing is..he didn't do it to them, so of course they can forgive him. He also belittled me often. He told me that I need to educate myself, that my life is boring, that I need money to have a social life, and constantly looked down on me. He even told me that people don't like how I ask for money..but my other friends know that that is not true. Besides, I gave him $70 total. He has never given anything to me, and I've never asked for anything from him. I honestly feel that they've tried to gas-light me..or have tried to convince me into thinking that I'm just not thinking clearly. When I would talk about how he hurt my feelings, he would just say, "I don't know how you're coming up with these things. It's nonsense." When I told my best friend that I wanted to build myself back up again, she told me that I'm not able to..as if...I don't have the capacity to even help myself. "You can't build yourself back up if you're in a bad place." That's what she said.... It's almost like they want me to doubt myself and my own perceptions.. If they really wanted me to feel better, wouldn't they have more faith in me and my ability to fix myself? I'm alone in this situation. I mean, I know that all over the world, other people go through these things..but in my particular social circle, I have no one to really support me. All I ever hear is that I'm wrong, confused, paranoid, etc. But to be honest, she's always been unable to admit to things that she's done.. She told me that I keep getting jealous, and she never does, when her own boyfriend told me that he caught her getting jealous in the past.

She and that guy are also..very grandiose. They both feel....almost freakishly confident in their abilities and skills. I know, because they've told me. "The ladies at the shop were so surprised at my knowledge of sewing machines. I always use the best material in my projects. You shouldn't wear that because it's a fashion faux pas; I've read everything on it. I've read about all the philosophers. What you read is common sense, and everyone already knows it. I'm a software engineer. I'm able to use all applications to their full capacity, and normal people can't." These are the things I would regularly hear from them. One of the tragic things I find about it..is how they've accumulated "minions" or "agents" if you will. People who feel drawn in by their charisma and flattery, who will deny what they do wrong.

She, my best friend, is known to deny when people are there for her as well. Other people have told me about it..how she'll tell others that no one is helping her, except so-and-so...when they are trying to help her right at that moment. One night, when we were younger, I visited her and sat with her at the computer. While I sat RIGHT next to her, I could see her typing things like, "No one is here. I'm all alone. No one will help me. etc." and I remember feeling very insulted. I was always trying to keep in touch with her when everyone said she was suicidal.. She is always changing her tune as well. Her logic is inverted, or always switching. She says one thing, and says another later..and I sometimes ask myself, "Did that really happen? I bet if I recorded this, she wouldn't know what to say to it, or she'd be furious with me." When I question her about what she means, she'll say all sorts of things that don't really add up. It's confusing. I can't confront her about how she's hurt my feelings, because she has a way of trying to twist things back onto me. The guy I thought I was attracted to did this as well. You can't bring up anything they do wrong, because it's always a losing battle, and they evade it, or act like they didn't know what happened. After knowing these people for several years, it's like I've seen a pattern, and it keeps happening..where I feel confused, doubtful, hurt, and unable to have a voice or any input.

I hope..no one thinks I say that my worries are on a grander scale than their's..because in reality I know that many people all over the place go through much, much, much worse. I guess I was just trying to get these smaller things off my chest. Now is not a good time in my life to be too focused on myself..because I don't think my dad is doing well.. He's very thin, drinks every night, and barely eats. He doesn't even sleep in his bed, ever. I really want to help him..and he despises doctors. He hates them so much, he said that if he were sent to them, they'd take him kicking and screaming. I don't know how to help him. He's very set in his ways, and has an incredibly cynical outlook on life. I feel like I can't help anyone right now, and it's terrible. I'm an adult..and I should be doing these things. I really hate that part of me.

[intheprocess]

Hi, I think your guilt about wanting to help your father is because you were programmed your entire life by your mother. I don't think you should be guilty; you are doing the best you can seeing all you have been through. Have you considered calling a social worker to take your dad on as a case? Just a thought. It helped with mine so much. Your things are not little things; they are big things.