Overwhelmed but mostly underwhelmed... or vise versa

[Zarathustra]

Oddly enough I never would have thought to look online for a way to deal with my depression, but I am up for just about anything at this point. I have suffered from depression since I was a child and at 43 years old I still cannot seem to get a handle on things. Somehow I always find myself in "my dark place" unable to function for weeks on end until the darkness fades and I can start making my way back into my "normal" existence(whatever that means).

I have taken just about every anti-depressant known to man and gone to more counselors than I care to admit, yet I still struggle. Currently I am on the path to find a new counselor and begin a new medication, but both of those take time and a lot of patience which currently I am running extremely low on. I have been waiting almost a month now to get in to speak with a psychiatrist to talk about medication. I have never been to a psychiatrist, I am kind of nervous... does this mean I am officially crazy or have a mental illness and need a white room away from society???? I am partially joking, yet fearfully honest.

I find as I am getting older it has become easier to just not let people close for fear that they will find me out and judge my illness. I won't even date because I don't want to put anyone through my dark phases for fear they will leave.

Not to sound like a crazy cat lady, but to some degree I suppose I am, I rely fairly heavily on my two cats for comfort and the ability to love me flaws and all. November 8th my 19 year old boy cat had to be put down. This was a HUGE devastation to me, I watched his birth and had not spent more than a few days away from him in 19 years. While most people will agree that I was lucky to have had him this does not erase the pain, needless to say I fell into a deep depression. After a few weeks of isolating and doing my normal shutting down 2 people that I had been friends with decided to write me scathing emails letting me know that they would no longer tolerate my "pity parties or selfishness and that I need to get over myself". These are 2 women that for years without question I had very unselfishly given time, money and at one point dropped classes in order to set up a fund raiser(raising over $8,000) when one became very ill and was on the verge of losing everything she owned. I never give to receive and would not change the things I have done for either one of them but to label me then tell me what a horrible person I am has pushed me further and further into my depression. Why can't people understand that yes, I know I have a lot going for me, yes I know that this is temporary but right now in this moment my entire being hurts, my body aches, my head pounds, my eyes burn. No I cannot just think happy thought, look on the bright side, focus on the positives... it's not that easy if it was don't you think I would be doing that right now??? Why is it that nobody can understand or at least respect what I go through??

Last month my girl cat was diagnosed with an extremely rare form of skin cancer. While she feels no pain or apparently doesn't even realize she is ill I am watching tumors takeover her body. Every day I wake up and wonder is this the day she will stop eating, drinking or playing? Am I gonna really know that her time has come? I feel like my world is caving in on me, oh wait it is... I feel like I am a complete lunatic and people at work tell me that I look like crap. It is a chore to go to work...being a flight attendant I am supposed to pretend that everything is just wonderful and smile like nothing is wrong when all I want to do is lay in my bed with my cat and cry.

I force myself to go to the gym as that has always been my outlet but sometimes that takes so much out of me that I cannot do anything else but sleep the rest of the day. I am looking to find a new medication but cannot get in to see anyone for another few weeks... in the interim I feel like I am teetering on the brink of lunacy... sorry this post is so long but I needed to write I needed to share with hopes that someone could/ would/might be able to understand that I do not choose to feel this way! I can't just turn that frown upside down it isn't that easy

[JonsDragonEyes]

Hi there Zarathustra. Just because someone needs to see a psychiatrist does not mean your crazy at all. Sometimes we just need help with our emotions and feelings. It's okay to be scared and nervous that's totally normal. It's okay to fall in life and ask for help.

In a way I kinda blame television , movies and all that other stuff for putting the idea and impression that EVERYONE who goes and talks to a psychiatrist must be crazy. It's just society's cruel and ignorant judgement's.

I'm sure there are a lot of people who go that are indeed very .... um " troubled " to put it nicely lol ... but NOT everyone.

I'm so sorry about your cats. I wish with all my heart I could do something to make things okay again for you. If I could I sure would. That is one of the most unfair things that can happen. Please know your in my thoughts and heart.

[Zarathustra]

Thank you for your kind words Tonya. Depression comes with such a stigma attached to it. You are right in blaming media to a degree there are always negative connotations related to people that seek help rather than making them appear as strong for realizing they need help and actively seek it out. I hate that I have reached this point in life, but glad that I realize I need the help. I hope that one day I can mingle in society and not feel like such an outcast or weirdo.

As far as Webber and Tasha, I know that I provided them with the best possible lives possible. I am truly lucky to have had them both in my life. Animals provide so much unconditional love, affection and joy it baffles me those people that don't have pets, it sounds like you have quite the family with the greatest names. Thank you for taking those cats in and loving them, it is healing for everyone. They are very lucky to have you