Feel Like Giving up

[LostAndAlone91]

Hi,
I don't know where to start. But here goes anyway..

There isn't a day that goes by recently where i haven't thought about ending it. I'm scared though. I'm scared of the pain that i would feel before i eventually die. I wish i wasn't a coward. Everything seems pointless, worthless. I don't want to live this life I’ve been given anymore but there's no escape. I don't want to be here. It’s unfair. I sat ready the other day. wanting to. But i couldn't do it. Maybe one morning i can just wake up and maybe have the courage to not care about the pain. But I’m dealing with so much emotional pain i can’t tell which is worse.

Family is a big part of what lead me on my spiral..My dad, we’ve never gotten along. Constantly fighting whenever we live with each other. We’re both too stubborn, and our personality's clash. I feel like I’m in a constant battle with him and he doesn't listen to anything about how i feel it’s all about how he feels and what he thinks is right. My mum is my dad’s puppet. She is lovely. the only person i sort of feel i still have hope with. But as i said shes my dads puppet.. She will say one thing to me but if i then pull that up when arguing with my dad she takes it back or says she didn’t mean that. She just see's everything as my fault. whenever she’s trying to have a talk with me it’s always you need to do this, you need to do that, you need to work on this, it’s never I’m sorry you feel like this or that we'll try and change Nobody says that.. My feelings my thoughts they aren’t worth anything to anybody. No matter the other persons flaws it’s always my fault. I’m always the reason of everyone’s upset.
My sister, we were the closest. The one i could always rely on. But she’s let me down. She’s turned against me. Just like everyone else. She told people my secrets; she told me she never wants to speak to me again. She told my mum and dad she wanted me out the house. And then the next day my dad comes and says i need to leave. I cause too much bad atmosphere. I don’t think I’m perfect or that i don’t have any flaws. But they think that they are. They think I’m the reason for all the bad things. And an added bonus of me being gone they will realize the errors are with themselves. And what fools all of them were! My dad says he doesn't care if I’m on the streets i can’t be here. I didn't ask to be born. It’s unfair. I'm not the full problem here why do i always get blamed? why does no one care about my feelings?

I lost my job a few months ago too, I messed that up it was my own fault. A lot of whats happening to me is partly my fault. maybe. i don't know everything's so messed up now.But losing my job That’s when everything really started going downhill. That's when i started just sitting in my room all the time not wanting to talk to anyone. My boyfriend cheated on me at that time also so we finished which is the reason i went spiraling down in my job.Well part of the reason. I feel like such a fool. That i actually believed someone could care about me like i cared about them. I always do it and i'm always left in the gutter. i care too much. i want to stop caring. i cant take the hurt any longer. Now i just sit in my bed all day every day.I dont want to get up, i dont want to go out, i dont want to talk to anybody. I get moaned at if i stay up in my room so i force myself to go downstairs and i get moaned at for being snappy. But i can’t stand talking to or even looking at anyone in the house. I hate them all. Almost as much as i hate myself. I can’t stand talking to any of them. They make me angry. and sad. nothing makes me happy. Sometimes i wonder if I’d be happier if i was dead or if they were. I hate having thoughts about them like that but i can’t help myself. Nothing i ever do is good enough.

8 Months ago i lost my house, boyfriend & my job. I was upset then, nothing like now. I built my life back up i got another job, and i started seeing someone else. And now I’ve lost it all again. What’s the point in rebuilding? It’s just going to all fall down again. I don't know how much more i can take. I don't know who to turn to, who to talk to. I just want to leave this place. I need to not be so scared. What have i got to be scared of? This life is more pain than anything i could inflict upon myself for a short time. Sometimes i think i don’t want to die. I just know i don't want to be here feeling this pain anymore. I don’t want to fight anymore. I want to give up. I cant help but constantly criticize myself, Self hatred. and other peoples criticisms of me, or arguments we've had, or things they've said that's really hurt me runs through my head constantly. i cant get it to stop! its as if someone is playing a dvd over and over in my head all the time of the worst moments in the my life, or of the hurtful moments. there's so much negative feelings around myself. And that's just negativity coming from myself. I then have everyone else to deal with and its just too much for me to handle. Just now i'm feeling calmer. its hard to explain. i feel calm but i still want to end my life. i know the calmness wont last long. i'm starting to dread the calmness because the anger comes back so much worse. I'm my own worst critic.my life feels like one big punishment and i have no idea what i did wrong. And i read this and i think really? thats my problems? there are so many others out there that have much bigger problems, worse problems. Mines seem petty. But to me it feels like im living in hell.
I Don't really know how to end this. I don't really know what happens with me posting this. I just know i feel alone. and need someone anyone out there to talk to. I don't want to be this way the rest of my life.

[kellykebby]

Depression can have many causes. A main cause here in America is the standard American poor diet. We lack vitamin d, b12, magnesium, etc. I bet if you start juicing or blending greens you will perk up and that constant loop of negative thoughts will lessen up. See for yourself if the negative thoughts are made stronger by sugar and simple carbs. Caffeine takes you up and then down, chocolate included. A wonderful thing for you to research is Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, there is a group on yahoo full of people who will help you. And Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has helped many people with depression.

I want to tell you, YOU WILL NOT ALWAYS FEEL THIS WAY. You will feel better. Put one foot in front of the other. Make small changes and the pay off will eventually be wonderful.