Stuck in a rut.

[Elsh]

Okay, where do i start? So much to say. I have been suffering with depression for 2 years roughly at first it wasn't too bad (by not too bad i mean in comparison to now.) Then i lost my father in February 2013 and things got real bad. I'm 20 so not many friends could understand my hurt so they all kind of disappeared and i also isolated myself in some cases. In July i got really bad, everything hit breaking point and i wanted to end my life. The doctor came over and prescribed me anti depressents but i have never touched them, i figured the fact I am grieving i didnt want it to mask pain that are natural stages in grieving then be hit with them when i get my self of the anti depressants. Instead i opted for the counselling/reiki/hypnotherapy route. Which did help for a while and i managed to pass my driving test and it built my confidence up. But now i feel not good again, I don't have a job and i sit at home near enough every day by my self and do nothing. Don't get me wrong i want a job but i put so many brick walls up and i doubt myself too much. That parasite in my head is telling me that I'm not good enough, telling my I'm a failure and I'm a waste of a life. That parasite is my depression. Its a snowball effect, Its damaging. I feel i have no one to turn to. Hence why i came on here, for guidance from people that actually understand what depression is. The girl i once was i fear i will never be again. I will never be that care free girl again and I'm scared. I need to get out of this rut, I don't want to go backwards.
Ellie x

[Diamond2414]

Wow Ellie, your story sounds so familiar to mine. I am sorry about your Father, a very tough time it must have been for you.


Its time to break down those brick walls you've built up, they aren't helping you anymore, time to redecorate!

I suggest whilst looking for a job get active in something else so you arent being idle, being idle is what lets that parasite fester, we have too much time on our hands and overthink.. waaay over think. Volunteer somewhere, clean peoples houses, get work experience, take a short course/class. Go for walks, go to the library to read, just get out.

I think you must be so level headed and strong to not take those anti-depressants, you looked at the situation with open eyes and saw the reason why you were feeling how you were and took appropriate steps to deal with it. That is so incredible, I hope you feel very proud =) If you can do that Ellie, then there's nothing to stop you.
you will be you again, dont you worry. Keep smiling, day by day, you'll get there =)

Btw, I know too well that parasite, other people think Im being too hard on myself, well... if only they could hear what goes on my head.. not a fun place to be sometimes.