At the breaking point.

[Dreamchyld]

Its funny to have to look back at almost 16 years and sum it up in a few paragraphs. I thought the task monumental at first, impossible, even. Yet I am so anxious for something, anything, I don't know what, that I am willing to write it as best as I can.

It began 15 years ago when I met my wife. Now, I call her my wife, but we've never been officially married - we've just been together for so long it just seems natural. Though I suppose now I should get into the habit of not doing that. You see, she is tired of being in this relationship. She has found herself liking women, more and more. She recently began to talk with a woman who comes to her job to see her regularly. Then the text messages started. Suffice to say I was slammed by this knowledge.

I knew that something was wrong, but we had been a unit for so very long I thought it might have just been a bump in the road. I ignored all the warning signs. I began to take our relationship for granted. I was selfish, quite a bit. I didn't show her the attention she deserved, or gave her the emotional connection she craved. And now that she left me, I find that is all I want to do. A little too late, I suppose?

Now I can't sit here and say our entire 15 year relationship was all sunshine and rainbows. We never had a really steady home of our own, we always bounced around from house to house. When my daughter was born, we had to ask people for a lot of things. When she got pregnant with my son, I swore I'd never do that again. And so I worked my ass off. I mean, hard. It got that I was working so much I began to turn to cocaine to keep me on my feet. Well you know the saying - rabbit rhymes with habit because once you go down that hole, its a long, dark journey.

I lost my job. I started to smoke crack. I sold her engagement ring. I stole game systems and food from my children. Anything I could do to fuel my addiction. I got arrested. I went away for a year. During this time, she met another man. I knew though, deep down inside when I got home, I would win her back. And I did.

About three years ago I got injured. I fell three stories and shattered my leg. All because I was drunk. She stood with me through the entire ordeal. Coming with me to all my appointments, being at my side, and all that I took for granted. It was like, I appreciated her, because I did. But I had no idea how to show it, because I wasn't the man that I wanted to be. No job, no education, nothing.

I made a promise to myself to put my life together. And I have begun. But its too late. She is still talking with her "friend" and we barely spend any time together anymore, even though we still live together. We still sleep in the same bed at night, and on occasion we'll even have sex.

But she refuses to give up this girl she is talking to, and I don't think I can go on knowing that she isn't with me 100%. I'm very jealous by nature. I just can't. I found myself thinking of ways to kill myself. Staring at the knives in the kitchen, wondering if I could somehow deal with this pain and keep pushing forward. I think about my kids, and how hurt they would be. My family. But its like the thought is still there. I'm so lost, I'm so hurt. I love her, and I want her to be my wife. But she doesn't feel the same, so I guess the question becomes...

Is life worth living if you are forced to live it without your better half?

[kellykebby]

Yes it is worth living. you are in limbo right now. If you did commit suicide your kids would suffer greatly. Your marriage is in limbo and stagnant but it may not always be this way. Trust might need to be relearned. She might have to explore that other relationship. I would work on yourself, make you the best you you can be here on earth. Delve into spirituality. Forgive yourself your transgressions. Be open and honest and get help if you are truly considering suicide.