Rough Patches

[Vixentia]

My life has always been rough, I have lost count about how many times I've crashed and burned. Let me get started..

When I was a child my father never really was there for me, he liked his alcohol a little too much and he was always getting on my mom's case about everything she did, she couldn't even go visit a friend or laugh on the phone without him losing his temper. I remember hearing them argue a lot and my father would get angry often, especially if I wouldn't finish the meal he prepared me, but at 7 years of age I highly doubt many children could finish the amount of food he would make. After 2 years of their marriage my mother decided to leave him, I was 8 years old when it happened. Through my teenage years I didn't see him as much as I would have liked too, since after my parents broke up I lived with my mother. To this day he still isn't there for as much as I would like, he's too focused with his own life to be a part of mine. I do still love my father and I know he loves me, but most of the time he has a bad way in showing it.

(I remember my mother telling me a few years ago about something my father did when I was a baby, she came home from work one day to see me crying and screaming in my swing, considering how upset I was she could tell I was there for hours, he was passed out drunk on the couch. My mother filled a bucket of water and drenched him with it and started screaming at him about how she came home to see me crying and screaming.)

When I was 13 my mother started dating this guy, and surprisingly enough everything was going good for me for awhile. I lived on an acreage with my mother and himself, he was like the father I never had. He would take me fishing and he even took my best friend and I to my first concert. I was a bratty kid for the longest time and he gave me responsibility, aka chores to straighten me out, and I can't thank him enough for it. Sadly less then 2 years later him and my mother broke apart, it was hard for me letting go of someone who I viewed as a father, and he to this day doesn't know how much I cared for him.

In school I wasn't the popular kid, and yes we have all heard this story, nerdy over weight girl with glasses gets picked on, nothing special there. I remember a few times where they would do it right in front of the teachers and no one would stand up for me. I used to be a shy girl back then and I would never had the courage to stand up for myself.

Around this point in time my mother had her first heart attack, and had a second one a week later. Luckily the hospital figured out the problem and tried to put a stop to it.

When I was about 15 I was one of those typical girls with daddy issues, I started sleeping around with guys that were sometimes in their mid twenties. At 15 I also began to start cutting myself to help relieve my depression, it was a dark time for me, I lost count on how many times I sliced my wrist, a couple times I could have died but for some reason I kept on stopping the bleeding. A lot of the reason I started inflicting self harm upon myself was because of another incident that is still currently on going. My mother met this man when I was 15, at first he seemed nice, I now regret thinking that about him. For 3 years he would verbally and physically abuse my mother, he had her on the floor booting her. I tried many times standing up for her, and many times I've called the police on him but for some reason my mom keeps letting him into her life. To this day he still lives with her, to my knowledge he has stopped beating her but he still verbally abuses her and makes her feel down upon herself.

At 17 I was growing tired of watching this man hurt my mother, I decide to move in with my current boyfriend at the time, bad mistake. It was going good for the first few months, I thought he loved me. About 6 months into our relationship he starts verbally and physically abusing me. He's thrown knives at me, strangled me, and has held me down and gave me a black eye. Not to mention threatening to hurt everyone I cared about if I decided to leave him.

This is the point where now my mother has had her first stroke.

While living with my ex who was abusing me we had a friend of his move in, I never though to much of him at first, but he did seem mysterious and sweet. I remember him many times getting my ex boyfriend to calm down and stop hurting me. After awhile his friend decided to spend a few days at his brothers, I was alone. Then one day he said "I have something to tell you and you're not going to like it and I would rather be there with you to tell you." I said alright, he then came over and proceeded to tell me that my now ex boyfriend had cheated on me and slept with his girlfriend at the time. I confronted my ex boyfriend about it and he admitted reluctantly. I was very upset by this point, and decided to leave him but I was scared to try. My ex's friend then decided to dump my ex as a friend and be there for me instead considering how much of a bad person my ex was. He then proceeded to tell me that he would help me, and he did as he said, he got me out. To this day three years later I still get harassed by ex, and I haven't been able to rack up enough proof to get a restraining order.

At 18 I started dating my ex's old friend that helped me escape from my now ex boyfriend. It's been three years now and we are still together, he sleeps beside me as I write this. When I was 19 I found out I was pregnant, and by age 20 I gave birth to our beautiful daughter who is now a year old, she's my everything.

Just a few months ago my mother had her third heart attack, she survived but there isn't much hope if she has another. I love my mom and I don't want to lose her, I want her to see my daughter grow up..

Throughout all of this I have tried 5 different counselors, dropped out of High School and tried to go back to school 4 times. I just haven't been able to get out of this hole I am in. I know I am a fantastic mother and my depression can never change that, she will always come first even if I am struggling.

Now at 21 I had been having trouble finding my own home, so currently I am staying with my mother again, and only a few minutes ago I heard him verbally abusing her again, thank god my daughter is asleep and doesn't have to hear it. Just this morning I got a phone call stating that my application has been accepted for a 1 bedroom apartment I had applied for a few days ago. Now I can leave here with my boyfriend and my daughter and start a family of my own. I refuse to have my daughter go through even half of what I went through, it kills me everyday when I think of everything I've had to deal with.

Here is a peek into my life, yes it's been hard and my chest hurts rereading what I wrote. I have never really grasped before how much I've been through, I guess I am stronger then I give myself credit for.