Just wanted some advice...

[SoupOrJuice]

I don't really know how to start posts like these but here goes. I should probably preface this entire story with the fact that I'm 22, and I have been/am being treated for depression (for about 2 and a half years now). In fact, I have been on over half a dozen anti-depressants/combinations of drugs, done therapy, etc. and nothing that my doctor has done or suggested has helped. Just in case you were about to reply with "see doctor" or such canned responses. Also, tl;dr at bottom (and sorry for such a long post).

I'm basically where I knew I would be when I was 12. I've suffered from depression since I was 10, but I think around 12 is when I finally figured out that there was something wrong. My prediction at 12 was that "I wouldn't graduate high school, and if I did I wouldn't graduate college, and even if I did that..." well, suffice to say I'm dropping out of college for the 2nd time with no plans on repeating the experience.

So with all of those predictions at such a young age, I lived on. I always just said to myself "it's puberty, it's mood swings - it'll go away." All through middle school, and high school, I said this. I thought, at age 18, "oh, it'll get better in college - I'll make new friends, form lasting bonds!" I was not so lucky. I had friends, social acquaintances, but once I dropped out they also dropped from contact almost immediately. Same thing is happening the second time around, as did happen before, with my high school mates.

So now I have no friends, and I haven't even been out socially in over 6 months (other than with family, which has stopped counting as it does nothing alleviate the feelings of uselessness I have).

I've just had an interview at my father's place of employment, and I do hope that it turns into a job but it will be full-time summer work and only casual work from September onward, not enough to move out and support myself (my parents are only willing to support me/allow me to live with them as long as I am enrolled in school - which I will not be come September).

So now you know my situation, I guess it's time for my goals and expectations for them. I have two goals in life: travel the world (specifically Italy, if there was only one country I could go to) and have a family (specifically, a child or two). My reasons for each are different.

I want to travel the world simply because I love the history of places like Italy, France, and Australia. I love looking at pictures of monuments and art and landscapes/cityscapes. I want to experience these things for myself.

As for why I want a family, that is more complicated. It probably stems from my love of consuming media (TV, film, literature) but I've grown attached to my future children in a way that is inexplicable. When I see the love that a father has for his children, either in the real world or fictional versions of it, there is this place in my heart that aches for that feeling.

But there is also a place in my brain that knows I will never experience these things.

I'm 22, 320 pounds, 6 feet even. I'm unkind, unfunny, and unconfident. I have no skills to speak of, and my only hobbies consist of media (consuming it, specifically listening to music/watching TV & movies/playing video games/reading books). I'm not interested in, nor am I skilled at, any other hobbies I've ever found. I am also not ambitious in the slightest, as far as life or career goes, and have no long-term or short-term goals (other than the 2 listed earlier).

The facts in the paragraph above explain clearly why I will never have a family (or specifically, why I never should have one). Even if I found a woman that loves me for who I am, all of my faults (almost not possible), and whom I loved back (99.9% impossibility) - I would never be fit to raise children. As much as I want to, I know that my lack of ambition, lack of self-esteem, and overall "boring" manner would all be extremely detrimental to the physical and mental health of any progeny that I might bring into this world.

Also, specifically because of my lack of ambition, I know that I will never travel the world, either. With no post-secondary education, one is almost guaranteed to have a low income. With a low income, it would be almost impossible to travel the world for any real length of time (> 2 weeks). And even if I was able to afford such a departure, leaving a low-income job for that period of time would most likely lead to my getting fired.

So there you have it, my life and goals in a nutshell. And why I will never accomplish them.

What in the **** am I supposed to do now?

tl;dr: I'm bad at everything I've ever tried. I'm unattractive both physically and emotionally. I'm unfit to raise a child, and will never come into the money to travel - which are the only things I want in this world. Advice?