Hello and greetings

[Gogol]

First of, I would like to apologise if this is the wrong section. Maybe I should have put this in the Introductions section. I'm mostly writing this for myself, but decited to do it semi-publicly to keep myself honest. English isn't my native tongue, but I will try my best to write coherently in the off change someone might be interested. (Sorry, this ended up being really long)

I am a 31 years old male from Finland. I have been diagnosed with major depression since spring 2012, though I've propably been strugling with it to some degree as long as I can remember. There were of course some better times also. I have always been introverted, but have learned to be more outward as the years went by.

As a child I enjoyed beeing alone. I had friends, many of whom i'm still in touch, but never felt fully comfortable in crowds, or extented periods of socializing. I had what you might call a good childhood, never really missed any material comforts, and though my parents separated when I was 8, I have good relations with them both. When I was 10 I moved with my mother and sister almost to the other side of the country from where I was born. This meant that I didn't see my father that often, usually during the summer and holidays. I had some difficulty in blending to my new surroundigs, but after about a year I had made some good friends and started to feel like home. The place was a smallish village of about 5000 people. Mainly I enjoyed growing up there.

My teen years were a mix of good and bad. I was still shy and tented to spent a lot of time in my room, mostly reading. I was never good at sports and wanted to avoid situations where I was the center of attention. Starting from about 14, and to my suprise, our group of friends somehow started to be viewed as the "cool" kids. I never quite understood this and I started to feel I didn't belong. Still, and as sad as this is, I think the summer when I was 15 was propably the best I ever had. I started to experiment with alcohol and cigarettes at this time. Also marihuana, wich didn't stick, but I've been smoking almost continuously ever since. Same with alcohol.

The reason we moved to our new home was my mother finding a new husband from there. He was the brother of her childhood friend. I had a complicated relationship with him. He was kinda oldschool, manly-man. He had a daughter from a previous mariage, but no son. And I could never quite be the son he was perhaps hoping. Before I got my growth spurt I was a bit overweight and awkward. We dindn't share many interests. He was never violent physically, and while propably didn't mean it, I often felt very hurt by his comments. We did have some good moments fishing in the wilderness streams. I think that some of my self-esteem problems, not really feeling like a "proper man", got worse at this time. I was, and still am, a science geek, and this was also something we didn't share. Sometimes when he was drunk, he would say he is proud of me and the stuff I knew, but like a lot of finnish people he didn't much talk about his feelings sober. I share this quality. He and my mother have been divoced now for over a decade, and I haven't contacted him since.

I don't want to give the impression it was all bad, mostly I was pretty happy or at least content. At the age of 15 I started experimenting with dating, I dated one girl for a year, but then she broke up with me. I can't hold any grudgess, we were young and I'm not the easiest person to be with. I didn't speek much about my feelings and still tented to want to be alone a lot. But at the time, it was still hard. Physical intimacy was also a problem. I dated a few times after that, but as we grew older, I somehow couldn't keep up on with what was expected. I sometimes feel that my social intelligence got stuck at the level of a teen, though I have learned to interact in other social context quite well over the years. I have been alone since then, for over a decade now.

This might be one of the biggest reasons for my current situation. I feel very alone. We are social animals, and not being close, physically or otherwise, to another human for all of my adult life is sometimes almost too much to take. I think I have passed the point where this situation could be rectified. My age group have, or are thinking about having a family, I'm still stuck to a teenage experience level. There have been a few women who have expressed interest in me, but I'm so afraid of these situation now that I mostly try to avoid them. Feeling left behind also on other areas of life: I don't have a career, a house, a car. I'm not bitter to those that succeed, they worked hard and deserve their happiness.

Finland has a conscription army, and I spent a year serving when I was 20. I did well I guess, but it was a very uncomfortable place for me. During the service, I was put in a leadership positon, but felt like a fake through it all. I'm not an authoritive person and I hate confrontation. There were some good moments, and maybe I learned to be more self-assured, or at least fake it.

After that I moved back to the capital, where I was born, to study in a university. My studies prolonged and I didn't do that well. I hate not knowing something, feeling stupid. A university should be a place to learn new things, but for me it felt more like a constant reminder of my stupidity and inadecasy. If I didn't understant something straight away, I was too embarresed to ask and felt I was just wasting everyones time. In exams I rubbered over answers I didn't think were perfect so the person who had to grade them wouldn't have to waste their time. I changed my focus several times so my credits are spread over several diciplines. Eventually I stopped going to classes and got kicked out of the school.

During all of this I started to use more and more alcohol. It was the only way to feel happy, at least momentarily. I would keep to myself sometimes months on end. I never really talked to my family or friends about my problems. It is pretty easy to keep a facade over your real problems, ecpecially when my family was far away. (My father had moved to a different part of the country also). The days were all the same, I felt useless and a parasite of sociaty. I dind't see a future (worth living). During this time I seeked help for the first time and started on medication and counceling. I half a year after that I got a job. Because I didn't have a degree, I could only find a job as a cleaner. Don't get me wrong, it's an important job and the few moments I have felt I achieved something I felt working there. I've been doing temporary and summer jobs since I was 14, so have not been totally useless all the time. Things seemed to be improving a little, but eventually my mood lowered again.

It culminated last fall, when I tried to kill myself by cuttin my wrist with a knife. I was worried that my body would not be found in days or weeks. That would have been very bad for the person who had to clean that up. I went to the bathroom to keep my wrist over the floor sink so there would not be a big mess. I had drank quite a lot, I quess to have the courage to do it. I wrote a mesage beforehand to my family on paper, and send them a message with my phone. I didn't think anyone would be awake at that hour (about 4:00 am.)I also called the emergency service. I thought it would take them long enough to get there for me to finish my busines, but the response was fast. Maybe I also called to save myself, I don't know. They took me to the emergency center, I spent a few days there and they fixed my hand. From there I was trasfered to a mental ward for a few weeks. When I got out I tried to get back to work as soon as possible. I felt embarrsed and guilty for letting them down. I also felt very bad for my family, who took it pretty hard.

I started working, but had to leave for an extented sickleave shortly after. I wasn't well enough yet. I returned in december of 2013 and could work for a couple of months. I'm on sickleave again and things are not so great. I recognize the same thought patterns I had last fall. My employer has been really understanding and it hurts me to let her and my workfriends down again. Last week I cut my arm again multiple times, but not that deep. I saw my doctor today and we are thinking about possible routes forward.

If there is still someone reading, I apologise for the wall of text. I have never written these things down before and wanted to see if it would help.

-Gogol

[Lostintime]

This really touched me; thank you for your post. Xx

[Gogol]

Thanks for your kind words.