I Want Out (Possibly Triggering Material and Long)

[twistedjupiter]

I feel like my life has come to a breaking point. I feel like everything that's happened to me in my life, all the depression, anxiety, anger and abuse has boiled down to these past few months where I've felt nothing but numb and fragile. I guess I should start at the beginning, when it all started.

When I was a kid, probably around the ages of 4 to 6, life was golden. Though my biological father was out of the picture, I had my stepdad and my mom and a brand new baby brother so things were great. My days were filled with childish joy and it was nice. Things changed, however, when my stepdad and my mom started having problems and my mom took it out on me. I would get hit with belts, hangers, remotes, hairbrushes - anything that would leave scratches and welts on my body. Then she started calling me names, vulgar names that weren't joking or loving in the slightest. Names you'd call someone you hate probably.

I never said anything to anything to anyone mostly because I for a long time, I thought I deserved it. In my mind, I had to be doing something wrong so I just took it. Years passed and things only got worse. My stepdad left my mom, leaving me and my two brothers alone. That was when I became her main punching bag. She would play these sick mind games with me, making me run around the house to find something honestly wasn't there and beating me when I told her I couldn't find it. She would threaten me, telling me she'd kill me if I couldn't find a certain nail polish she had lost. That is when I became terrified of the woman that was supposed to love me above all else.

As I got older, probably in the ages of 13 to 15, the physical abuse melted away until she'd hit me every once in a while but the verbal abuse and the mind games got worse. She would say nasty things to me, like how much she hated me and when I grew up no one would want to be with me romantically and how fat I was and how ugly I was, and the very next day act like nothing had happened, like she hadn't made me cry. And in the times that I did stand up to her and defend myself, she would make it seem like I was the one verbally abusing her. She would tell people in our family that I was a terrible kid and I was lucky she even let me live in her house or eat the food she bought.

Through all of this school was no help because my friends never really cared about me. They were the kind of friends to be so glad when I was around to do things for them or pay for their tickets to the movies but as soon as a cute boy walked along, I was invisible. They would ditch me in places like the mall or the bathroom and then laugh as I searched for them. When I tried to confide in them about my problems at home, they'd act like they cared for the moment but then say completely insensitive things like "maybe your mom is right". One friend just straight out laughed at me and told me I was "being overly dramatic" about my whole situation. I currently have no friends - and when I say none I mean absolutely none - because of this fact.

As I got a little bit older, I began to develop depression and anxiety. There was a whole period of my life where I would cry for hours literally every day and would be in physical pain because of it. I hated going out to public places because I always felt like people were staring at me and judging and calling me the same names that my mom would in their heads. I am terrified to talk to strangers on the phone and pay for something at the cash register. Loud noises - especially thunder - put me on edge so much that I have panic attacks. I have talked to a therapist before but she did absolutely nothing for me - it felt like I was talking to a brick wall the whole time.

I think I'm writing this because I don't know what to do anymore. I've come to a stage in my life where I feel nothing but numb and lost every day. I'm in my senior year of high school and I'm failing all of my classes, so badly that I'm most likely not going to graduate high school. I'm purposely not doing the work because I just have this overwhelming feeling of not caring. I don't care about college or getting a job or getting out into the world not just because I'm afraid to do it, but because I have no motivation.

It seems like all I do nowadays is cry and sleep and aimlessly surf the internet. I don't even have the motivation to get out of bed and shower or eat sometimes. Suicidal thoughts used to be frequent but fleeting for me and now it's the only thing I think about because it seems like the only option to make all of this stop. My whole world is just numb and I know I need help but I can't do it on my own and I don't know what to do. I just want out and I feel like the clock is ticking before I break completely and do something that can't be undone.

[delsina363]

Hi twistedjupiter:

Please know you are not alone in this. There are many people out there who feel the same as you. I have had depression, anxiety, social phobia, etc. for over 30 years. When I was young I thought everything was beautiful too. Then out of nowhere, when I was 16 years old, I had a breakdown. I was trying to work two jobs, and go to school. I was trying to help my Mom with the bills. Well, my body went first, then my mind. I was so alone, would not leave my room, and had bad thoughts all the time. Honestly, no one cared. I try to get medical help, but they sent me to a neurologist who was a jerk. What brought me back was when an old friends sister asked if she could stay with me for a couple of days. My Mom did not care, so I let her stay. She introduced me to a lot of things, including alcohol and drugs. I realized when I drank or did drugs, I felt so much better. You can guess where that path took me. After a couple of years of doing all the wrong things, my Mom thru me out. I lived on the streets until I could not take it anymore. I knew that no one cared, but I wanted to live. I begged my Mom to come home, then I went to training for a good job. Within months I had enough money for an apartment, and left. Well my story goes on from here the same way it started, looking for love and acceptance by trying to be someone I was not, and being used far more times than I can remember. On and on and on. I am just sharing with you because you should not give up. It took me years, but I finally found a great therapist that really helps me. My life right now is no bed of roses, and I too have no real friends. I work full time and have 2 girls, ages 11 and 13. I am in a terrible marriage, but I stay for the kids. But every now and then, not very often, but it does happen, that I allow myself to be happy. I just look for the small things. I have two great little doggies, and two great kids. Just please do not give up, you can find a little happiness too. Just keep reaching out, call the Good Samaratins hotline in your area. Even though it is hard to hang on, please keep hanging on, and I promise you, one day you will find some measure of happiness.

[zaman5925]

Hi there.

I'm really sorry to read about all the things that have happened to you, and everything that's currently happening to you now. I really engaged with what you described in the last three paragraphs. The self-descructive nature of what you're going through is so familiar to me, I was almost relieved to read it.

I know you're looking for help. I think pretty much everyone on here is. I'm terrified of that slow descent that I know is coming. I'm already looking over the edge of that sheer precipice and that's really what makes me cry so much with hopelessness and shame. I reckon it's the thing that most often makes me think of suicide and other escapist behaviour.

There are lots of avenues out there I hear that can offer you support when you're facing emotional crisis. But I think most people with depression will tell you that nobody is going to be able to just yank you out of it and hand you back the power that you seem to have lost. You're in the doubly unenviable position of not really having a close-knit support group you could turn to consisting of either family or friends. That makes this a heck of a lot harder and lonelier for sure.

I guess what I'm coming to is that you need to sit down and make a decision some day. Preferably some day soon. And you need to decide if you would really be okay to die - to erase your existence permanently from this world. Depending on how I'm feeling, my answer to this self-imposed question can differ a lot, but try to catch yourself on a good day!

I think we're taught in modern life to be selfless and giving to others. To demonstrate fairness of character and think more of other people than ourselves, and really my own idea of suicide is a perverse form of that supposedly genial thought. Perhaps it's the same for you. But really I believe that this is the opposite of what will eventually help you overcome this. One day, if you make that resolute decision to live, you will have to take a steely glance at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that there are some things you want to do for you. You want to live. You want a future. The only way to that future is to focus solidly on taking certain steps. Do not think, not for a moment, about anybody else. Not about what people have told you about you.

There's a selfishness that you need to embrace somewhere and you need to turn it into resolute armour. Things like neglecting your studies will probably end up being the biggest consequence and instigator of that terminal depressive descent. If you can develop a blind focus on something, anything truly productive that you know will help you, it may turn out to be the best solution to all this.

You're a good person, I'm sure you know this. You've done nothing wrong. Suicide would just be too big of a pre-emptive gesture, and you don't need to punish yourself this way. I wish it were that easy, but the illusion of purpose and action may help to become some kind of stepping stone. If only words were directly linked to our muscles and not our brains, we would have more power over ourselves in these matters. I think you just have to find the courage to move in the surest direction you know, and try not to wallow in the quagmire that surrounds you. I think it's a problem-solving coping mechanism that makes us brood so, and it feels good sometimes, but after years we find it hasn't truly taken us anywhere.