Getting worse and not better

[Woglinde]

I have always had a lot of the symptoms of depression ever since I was a kid, but lately it's getting much worse. This is really worrying me because I've been trying and trying very hard to get better. I exercise, I eat well, I try to make myself do things I don't want to do, and it just gets worse.

I used to be able find and hold jobs even though it was really hard, but now I break down and cry just trying to find openings or fill out applications.

I feel even more uncomfortable about leaving my apartment than I did before. Sometimes I go to the grocery store and I can't even say hello to the clerk. Then when I leave the store I start crying.

I have never been as sexual as what most people would probably consider average, but in the past I was able to enjoy sexual experiences to some degree. For the past year or so I have hated every second of it and I just don't want to do it at all anymore. I am afraid my spouse is going to dump me if I can't at least seem a little enthusiastic about it.

I have had maybe a few passing thoughts about suicide in the past, but now I seem to think about it every day. It is a weird cognitive dissonance where I know I would never want to actually do it, but I still think about it all the time.

It feels like all the hard work I've done trying to fight it is for nothing, and that's really discouraging.

I would like to seek help but I have no money or transportation, and I don't know where to start. I haven't even been to a regular doctor since I was younger and was covered by my dad's insurance.

I just feel like everything is hopeless and there is nobody I can talk to about it.

[delsina363]

Hi Woglinde, I am a little like you. I have had depression, anxiety, panic attacks, migraines, etc. since I was 16 years old. I tried to fight it, tried to convince myself I could beat it. Now, it is getting really bad. I too break down and cry all the time (only when I am by myself). I do not know how much longer I can keep up with this, working, socializing, etc. I am so tired. I do go see someone for my depression and anxiety. If you could reach out to your local health center, and explain your situation, maybe they can help you. I have even had therapy sessions over the phone. Do not give up, I feel for you, your hard work fighting this does matter. Please get some help if you can.

[Woglinde]

Thanks for your response. I never considered there was therapy over the phone. I'll try to get up some courage and ask the Planned Parenthood if there is a list of income adjusted therapists, or something like that. They seem to be really nice about it even if I can't pay.

I have been fighting it for so long and working against it does so little for me, that I'm beginning to think I may need medicine and not just lifestyle change. I don't like the idea of being on drugs for possibly the rest of my life but I have tried everything else so far.

It would be a lot easier for me if I had some support in my life, but I only have my boyfriend, and he's got his own problems with mental health. That's why I really wanted to seek out some support groups like this where I could talk about my problems without making anyone worried or hurting their feelings.

[delsina363]

Hello again Woglinde. I really hope you can find someone to talk to, even if it is over the phone. I was sooo afraid to take medication when I was younger, I simply refused. I did not want to be on mental health meds the rest of my life. Then after fighting it for so long, I decided to secretly try it. So I started on medications, and it was really not so bad. I felt a great relieve, and had some peace at last. Before I felt like I was PMS'ing all the time. I would be happy one day, and then really sad the next. The medications seemed to balance it out for me more. Over the years I would tell a select few that I was on medication, then I started telling more and more people. Not that I would volunteer it, but if they asked, I was no longer ashamed to tell them. Now that it has been over 30 years, I have been on lots of medications. Some only work for me for a few years, and one I started having bad side effects after taking for a while. I am honestly no longer ashamed. I have an illness, and medication helps it. I see a therapist, and I do not care who knows it. It is so freeing when something as little as a pill can help you out, and you stop being ashamed for having an illness you cannot control. I really hope you get to see someone and/or talk with someone, it really helps me.

[Woglinde]

Thank you. Hearing about that makes me more optimistic about it. If I can just work out the logistics, then I would be willing to try.