Depressed..or not

[SoulSearcher]

I started noticing I was feeling depressed around 6th grade and it just got worse as I got older.. In grade 7 I even cut myself for the first time but haven't since, grade 8 I would be off and on depressed and when I was depressed it would be the absolute worse I've ever felt and the thought of suicide was what kept me smiling through the day, I never really told anyone except for my close friends but they were depressed too so they couldn't really help me so I stayed quiet about it. But one day around the end of grade 8 I finally got the courage to go up to mom and I told her "Mom I've been depressed since grade 6" and she didn't even look at me she just kept watching tv even though I was standing right in front of her (like always) and said "Can you tell me how much time is left on the oven?". that was it for me, I finally had the courage to tell my mom and she didn't care so that was the last time I ever talked about it and I just tried to ignore my feelings (The funny thing is my older brother told my mom he is depressed and she acted all concerned and said she was going to do all these things for him right in front of me, stuff like that just kills me) now I'm in grade 9 and I have been feeling happier but lately I've been getting sad and empty and I'm scared because I just got free of the terrible sadness that I used to feel but I think it's coming back, I don't want it to because I have nobody to talk to in my family, my mom never listens and always starts unnecessary arguments and my brother is an asshole, also my dad goes away for the week for work every week and only comes back one day of the weekend, plus I've never really talked about my feelings with him were not that close at all. Plus I've kind of disconnected from all of my old friends now that I have started high school and I often feel like I should move cities because no one here needs me anymore, the problem is I don't know how to feel anymore..Happy? Sad? All I know is I feel numb and I feel this cloud of darkness floating in my head everyday trying to get out and rain on me. But I'm glad I joined this site, maybe you guys will listen..

[madjon]

hi, i know a bit about self harming, used to do it for a long time, havent done so much i recent years but the temptation is always there.

Depression is horrible, im seeking help at the moment, have an assesement due soon, but i am yet to see a councilor, im on antidepressants, which help a bit, but i still have my bad days.

Iv never really talked to my parents about any of this, my mom and me arent that close, she was horrible to me most of the time when i lived at home, my dad was great but we didt really talk about feelings.

[SoulSearcher]

hi, i know a bit about self harming, used to do it for a long time, havent done so much i recent years but the temptation is always there.

Depression is horrible, im seeking help at the moment, have an assesement due soon, but i am yet to see a councilor, im on antidepressants, which help a bit, but i still have my bad days.

Iv never really talked to my parents about any of this, my mom and me arent that close, she was horrible to me most of the time when i lived at home, my dad was great but we didt really talk about feelings.

Thank you for replying madjon, we seem to have a few things in common, too bad the stuff we have in common is not happy stuff though I am contemplating on going to the doctor or not, because I am sad off and on so I'm never sure and I'm afraid that they will put me in counselling or something and I would hate that because I don't want to talk about it with a stranger like that, I would only go to the doctor for antidepressants but with my luck they will say I don't need them

[madjon]

yea it is a shame its all sad stuff, dont worry about the drs too much they will take ages to find you a councilor and give you anti depressants in the mean time, iv been waiting since july last year for a counciler and ivbeen on varius different anti depressants since. From what i hear if you dont like your couciller you can try a different one til you find one you can talk to, im dreading it but its gotta be done iv tried everything else.

[Frame]

Hi SoulSearcher;

Sorry about all the ups and downs. I had them when I was your age. [You might not want to here this but I still have them.] I wanted to respond when I read your post because I thought I could add a twist and a suggestion.

First the twist to life not being fair. You didn't say it, but it's NOT fair that your Mom treats you and your brother differently. I thought I'd mention though, that my experience is, family members tend to fit themselves into roles over time, to make a family function; the strong one, the clever one, the emotional cushion, the black sheep, the nurse,... The roles aren't always what they seem, nor do they fit perfectly. But families (and societies) tend to enforce these roles for the good of the whole. People can grow up very frustrated that they were forced into a role they didn't want or they weren't good at. Later on, as adults, people often act out their frustrations by imposing the same roles on their own family that made them angry as a child (It's only fair right?)

In some ways it makes sense; in many ways it's just tradition (every one likes tradition right? It let's you know what to do.) But it's not fair, and in a fast changing society, it doesn't always work very well. I guess my point is, it's not fair, but she may be acting out of feelings (inside of her) that you can't change until you have grown and gone and the family mould begins to crack. In the mean time there are a few things that have helped me.

You don't need an entourage but a small group of people you like and trust is essential. They can be anyone; it could be a councelor (but don't expect the first one to be the right one), it could be a teacher, a neighbour, a rabbi, and sure a friend or two from school. You don't need everyone to like you; That's too much of a burden. Be selective. Conserve your emotional energy. A small network who can rely on each other; that's a strong network.

And I'm sure there are things you feel your good at; things that you like to do, positive things. Everyone has them, but society only respects a few. In my opinion we have to follow our hearts and work toward doing the things we were made to do well, whether people respect what that is or not. Eventually, if we do what we love, we do it well, and we show our determination then people will begin to respect us for it. Initially, you may find people you can trust who have the same talents as you. That's also a good place to find respect. Often, it takes some courage to start down the road to what gives us joy (it's often the first crack in the mould).

[SoulSearcher]

Hi SoulSearcher;

Sorry about all the ups and downs. I had them when I was your age. [You might not want to here this but I still have them.] I wanted to respond when I read your post because I thought I could add a twist and a suggestion.

First the twist to life not being fair. You didn't say it, but it's NOT fair that your Mom treats you and your brother differently. I thought I'd mention though, that my experience is, family members tend to fit themselves into roles over time, to make a family function; the strong one, the clever one, the emotional cushion, the black sheep, the nurse,... The roles aren't always what they seem, nor do they fit perfectly. But families (and societies) tend to enforce these roles for the good of the whole. People can grow up very frustrated that they were forced into a role they didn't want or they weren't good at. Later on, as adults, people often act out their frustrations by imposing the same roles on their own family that made them angry as a child (It's only fair right?)

In some ways it makes sense; in many ways it's just tradition (every one likes tradition right? It let's you know what to do.) But it's not fair, and in a fast changing society, it doesn't always work very well. I guess my point is, it's not fair, but she may be acting out of feelings (inside of her) that you can't change until you have grown and gone and the family mould begins to crack. In the mean time there are a few things that have helped me.

You don't need an entourage but a small group of people you like and trust is essential. They can be anyone; it could be a councelor (but don't expect the first one to be the right one), it could be a teacher, a neighbour, a rabbi, and sure a friend or two from school. You don't need everyone to like you; That's too much of a burden. Be selective. Conserve your emotional energy. A small network who can rely on each other; that's a strong network.

And I'm sure there are things you feel your good at; things that you like to do, positive things. Everyone has them, but society only respects a few. In my opinion we have to follow our hearts and work toward doing the things we were made to do well, whether people respect what that is or not. Eventually, if we do what we love, we do it well, and we show our determination then people will begin to respect us for it. Initially, you may find people you can trust who have the same talents as you. That's also a good place to find respect. Often, it takes some courage to start down the road to what gives us joy (it's often the first crack in the mould).

Thanks for the great advice that was very helpful I appreciate it

[SoulSearcher]

yea it is a shame its all sad stuff, dont worry about the drs too much they will take ages to find you a councilor and give you anti depressants in the mean time, iv been waiting since july last year for a counciler and ivbeen on varius different anti depressants since. From what i hear if you dont like your couciller you can try a different one til you find one you can talk to, im dreading it but its gotta be done iv tried everything else.

Yeah I might try to talk to a few councillors soon, (good thing is my school has 4 of them) - Hope everything goes well for you.

[madjon]

thanks, you too, im sure youl find someone you like. If not im ere atleast once every 24hrs pm me if you like:)