My Story

[BlueWhovian]

I guess that was a bit of Karma.

So today we ended up getting to talk to the neighbor in 14 (we're in 15), turns out she and her boyfriend used to live with our friend as well and found out we all got the same treatment from the friend and her family. She told me not to let everything they have said to and about us get to us, that they’re all that way and always have been. It’s a small world I guess.

[Frame]

That was good to hear. It's probably better your out of there now that she's passed away. Things were bound to change for the worse. And it's also better to be around healthier people.

Good luck.

[4EverMe]

Yes, I totally agree. It may be no coincidence that these people are your new neighbors. Hmm...
It's nice that you guys have people close that you can relate to- people who empathize. This is very good, BlueWhovian.

[BlueWhovian]

Got a letter taped to our door today that rent is now going to go up. $185 a week now, that's 740 a month if it's 4 weeks, 1,110 a month on 5 week months. They're gonna start coming to our rooms to see if we're turning the heat on low, tv and computer off when we're asleep or not home. Hit me hard, depressed again, wanted to just rage, want to leave, can't stand it. We're struggling as it is and now this.

[BlueWhovian]

Well, once again I'm back. I’m living and breathing, that’s about the only thing I have going for me it seems. For a while I have felt like things are missing, out of place, continually pulled from my grasp. I work to improve things just for them to be pulled away, or something fall through. I’ve lately had a lot weighing on my mind from the past. Crap from long ago that I want to forget just creeps up.

I don’t remember a lot from when I was little. It was as if I just suddenly appeared one day at the age of 4. I constantly have things pop into my head like how I have always had to fight for my mom to love me. How she would tell me things growing up about children and getting married ruin your life, they keep you from doing the things you really want to do. I heard it as long as I can remember. All the times she would call me stupid or dumb. Everyone always acted so shocked as if I were a demon when I would say that I favored my dad more. I remember writing a letter to Santa asking for a new mom. I was sent to the guidance counselor

The time from age 7 when it all became obvious that my grandparents' marriage was falling apart.I still have that time play back in my head where I'm sitting at my grandparents’ kitchen table on a Friday night happily coloring when my grandfather exclaims that he should just go blow his brains out. From then on they divorced, he never came around unless it was to break into her house and steal things or smash her car windows.

It replays in my head how at 14 my grandma died and my mom blamed me for it and told me she wished I’d never been born. I struggle with that so much and it never goes away.

I remember how at 16 I got a job at the local KFC. The conditions were disgusting, I couldn't stand being around people in general. I also had to clean up the bathrooms. (I have always struggled with bathrooms and bodily functions since I was beaten as a child when I failed at potty training.) I quit after two days of not being able to function and the fact I projectile vomited in my car after work both nights.

I remember my mom's reasoning for not taking me to a doctor sooner at 17 I was diagnosed with severe PCOS. “At least I know you’re not out getting pregnant.” Nobody wanted to bang the fat girl, there was no worry there.

How my mom at one point went as far as telling everyone in Curves while we were working out, how she didn't want her kids.

This one gets me constantly: My first real relationship I had, went south. I was gaining weight, I was being used and the guy didn't really want me. He was inviting girls to his house, even underage girls. I was so torn down and upset I moved back in with my parents.

19 my parents divorce and my mom spreads a bunch of lies, the words my dad's girlfriend constantly said about how I would eat myself to death, heart attacks, diabetes, etc. to the point I am paranoid about every little pain and everything I eat.

I failed at getting back into college because the college didn't tell me I was able to sign up for classes until the last day of April and then when I went to sign up for them, I find out the college lost my transcripts after I had them sent. Our truck has broken down. Tire blew up two weeks ago. Someone was supposed to tow it for $40. He didn't and avoided all phone calls. We had to pay $250 to get it back. So we’re now broke and the truck has broken down. We're slowly getting towards the end of all the food we have. Payday isn't until next Friday and foodstamps isn't until the 19th of next month. We were short on rent, but they understood. I've been having to do our laundry in the sink and we have tons of cans to clean to take to recycling to get some bit of cash.

I’ve changed what I eat, trying to eat better, take medications I’m supposed to, try to be active, but at the same time I feel like I eat all the time. I push myself to exercise every time I’m alone in the other room. I don’t really feel like I have any emotions left besides guilt and sadness. I hate reading facebook stuff because everyone I know has a baby, has vacations, has everything I want and can’t have because I am a 25 year old failure. I have no drive or desire for anything anymore