My story in a nut shell.

[PDFS]

Ok so i thought i would write my whole story.
the first time i can remember being depressed for a long amount of time was in my early teens, it was just after my grandad died and i was meant to be going over to see him as he had just come out of hospital and as my nan was away as were my parents i said i would pop in which i did not do instead i went to hospital to see my great nan. on that day my grandad decided to turn off his oxygen so he would gently pass away something i blamed my self for for a very long time and had to have anger management help at this time.
school was a hard time for me with undiagnosed Dyslexia and suspected ADHD i struggled in lessons as i would be able to understand the lessons but had to cope with low attention span and struggling to get my ideas on paper so myself esteem was really low and i would find that i would have times where all i wanted to do with be on my own with my Nirvava albums (i still do this now)
when i went to college for the second time (the first time i was kicked out due to poor attendance despite being the highest grade in the class.)
i found comfort with a new group of friend and started getting heavily into drugs i was often found to take large doses of coke or ecstasy in a effort to escape my thoughts. i would often tell people that i took it as it would give me one of two desired results i would either get high and have a great time or OD and die and i didn't care which one it was.
my attitude change when a friend committed suicide there is nothing worse than being in a hall with all your friends crying knowing it could just as easily of been you that out them through that pain. i continued to do drugs for a few years but no where near as much until i decided enough was enough and moved to the other end of the country with my girlfriend to escape my life.
While living away from my friends and family i started to go through extreme cycles of mood having weeks where i would so depressed and self harming to times where i felt perfectly normal for months on end then i would drop again. then i would have other times where i would feel amazing but very easily agitated and would like nothing more than to walk for hours in the mountains away from people and things that annoyed me. but after a few years i wanted my family around me again so i moved back and went to go to uni with now fiancee we bought a house near my home town and i started uni.
i hadn't been at uni long when me fiancee left me and i started to drink heavily to escape my life strangely i don't remember being upset about splitting up just scared of being alone. It was around this time i met one of the most important people in my life as she has been part to some of the best and worst times in my life. i started dating a girl from the pub i worked in we moved in with each other very quickly, we were engaged after just over a year and i was happy for the first time in ages she could cope with me when i was being a dick and the lows got less frequent, she also had her issues but we looked after each other. we were together few years but then things went wrong in my life and we split up at this point i hit the lowest i have ever been. i feel like i had pushed away the one person who understood me and that i could be myself around and not hide the massive ball of crazy that hides just under the surface she was and still is an amazing person (she has always been here for me though and still is to this day). it was at this time my world fell apart i was in the final months of uni with a massive work load stressing me out and then my parents split up. there divorce was messy, my dad did the single worst thing any one has ever done to me in an attempt to get my mum back by telling me and her that he was at the top of a cliff and going to kill himself and then turning his phone off leaving us to believe he had done it. He was later found happily enjoying his breakfast no where near a cliff and very much still alive. this was 5 years ago and since then i have gone back to having long periods of depression and anxiety at one point not speaking another person for 4 weeks and only leaving my house to get food. i have had times where i was so high i tore my house apart thinking i would redecorate but only getting the destructive bits done and never finishing a room. Then a good friend decided to intervene and started getting me to leave the house bit by bit and getting me to work for him which really helped me get my life together,l i got a full time job working with kids with special educational needs and my life seamed to get back on track i even started dating for the first time in 5 years but in l the last few months but i am once again showing the signs of the highs and lows in mood i have had before so with the encouragement people around me i am trying to get the help i need before i end up back where i was so i am on a waiting list for CBT and going to speak to my doctor soon.
PS sorry if this is a bit all over the place i am a little hyper today.

[PDFS]

i have had times where i doubted my own sanity and wasn't sure if the things i could hear where really there and time i would would wake up on my floor covered in cuts that i had no idea how they got there. but that was when i hit my lowest 5 years ago.

i'd like to say that these days i don't take any drugs, i near to never drink alcohol, have very little caffeine and the best treatment i have found is regular visits to the gym. i have been medicated several times in my life but have had bad reactions including insomnia and night terror.

[CrazyLady17]

Thank you for sharing that with us.

You've been though a lot and you are such a strong person.

Got no words, just know I care, I'm listening and I'm here for you.

(((Big hugs)))

[PDFS]

good news i have got a letter today to arrange my assessment for which therapy would be best for me. hopefully i'll finally get some real help and maybe even a diagnoses.

[CrazyLady17]

Well done!
Proud of you