Hi...I'm sort of new to this

[pippilongpaws]

Hello,

I'm completely new to this sort of thing, but I just need to talk to someone and am not sure where else to turn.

I'm not sure if i've got depression; the furthest i've got is the self-diagnosis quizzes online as i don't want to go to my doctor. I'm the kind of person who likes to think they can take on anything, I see myself as invincible and going to a doctor about this is almost like admitting defeat. Does that even make any sense??

I've recently graudated from Uni with a Masters in Engineering and have been in full time employment with an offshore sevices company for the past six months. However, the job isn't all that it was described. There are days when I have no work at all, as the department I have been assigned to deals with aftermarket products, so its workload is very hit and miss. Many people may love to sit and do nothing all day, but not me. I need to be doing something, and this continual highs and lows of having no work then work is getting too much. I have thought about applying elsewhere but I fear that it's me and not the job that is the problem.

Gettign back on topic; recently I have been feeling very down. Not sad or weepy, just down. Like a deflated balloon with no energy or life left in me. Some days, it gets to be a physical struggle to get out of bed, but even if I do try to sleep in at the weekends and such, I can't sleep. I used to think it was just lack of sleep that was causing me to feel like this, but now I'm not so sure.

I am getting to the stage that I am taking no enjoyment from the things I used to love. There's only two things that can hold my interest now and that is music and books. I could read and listen to music all day every day at the moment. I think it's because I can escape into another world. I take a lot of moodswings, but I don't express them, they just occur in my head. I can go from having a non-caring almost ignorant feeling, to being completely down, to suddenly feeling really angry. I want run a lot of the time. There's a prowling in the back of my mind, like some dark beast is pacing back and forht in my head, and i can get these sudden feelings to get up from wherever I am and just run. I don't know why or from what, but Ijust get this feeling of entrapment, of being cooped up and I can't stand it. it scares me and I have to get away.

Due to a turbulent upbringing (abusive drunken father who would psychologiclaly abuse my diabled mum. H etried to strnagle me so she threw him out. they're now divorced and I live with my mum) I have always had this urge to battle on with things, to just not complain and knuckle down. I'm tough, both physiclaly and emotionally, so it's quite difficult for me to come to terms with how I'm feelign or even admit that I may have a problem as it's almost like going against everything that defines me.

But I feel now that I am no longer living, only existing. That I'm on autopilot or something. and I don't want to be like this. I don't want to feel like this anymore. There's not a lot of people I can talk to. Due to my upbringing, I was a painfully shy child, and although I'm a more confident person now, it still takes a lot to get me sociallising. I want someone to talk to, but at the same time, it's a trust issue. I can't let people in, I can't trust them. So instead, I have kept what little friends I have at arms length and slowly they're drifting away one by one. I'm scared to talk to my mum as she has been through so much in her life and I think she still feels she has let me down by letting my father abuse her and me the way he did. But I have tried to resssure her that I was fine about it; I was the one who protected her, and it's made me a far stronger perosn for it.

I have had bouts of self-harm in the past. Well, I don't really like to call it that, as it was only scratching with a razor blade, just enough to break the skin and get a little blood. I didn't wan to cut too deep as I wasn't tryign to kill myself. I just wanted a bit of sensation, something to remind me I'm still living underneath the empty shell I feel I am. I have scars on my arms and on my stomach now. I can go weeks, months without cutting, but then I just start feeling low and feel the need to do it again. I'm quite reckless with myself, always have been, am my mum has always been my number one priority. I don't know why I have the urge to cut; in a nutshell, it stings and I like it, as strange as that may seem.

So, that's me. I'm just wonderign if there's anyone out there who has felt similar, or if anyone can help me find a way out of this?

Thanks for taking the time to read all this

[Frame]

There is a lot in your post, Pipi, that I can relate to; some not so much, but every word will find an empathetic ear here. I've read it all before here. Please don't think that means to minimize your struggle, only that, there are people here to relate to.

I find it interesting how your work life mimics, to some extent, your home life; waiting on, caring for the clients. In both cases you often need to just be there and be ready. So you have time to fill productively, somehow.

I have a few questions that I'll try to keep in my head (and perhaps a few suggestions). I have to get to work, but I write later. By the way I also have a Masters in Engineering (Solid State Science).

Welcome;
Frame

[Ieris]

Hi Pipilongpaw,

I can understand why you don't want to go to the doctors as I feel the same way. I would feel somewhat useless that I can't deal with my own problems so have always been reluctant to go. If you believe you can deal with it without meds then you are probably right.

I also enjoy music and books too. I use music to drown out my thoughts, different songs take me to different places, just a way to escape i guess. What music do you listen to? what does it make you think about?

I much prefer spending my time reading books than going out with friends. That's just me and they understand that what books do you like to read?

It is good that you have music and books which still interests you. People often feel deflated when they have nothing to look forward to, no goals, no dreams. Do you have any of these things? If you don't know what you want in life, I have some pretty good books which I can recommend.

I don't think that it's you but work can be quite soul destroying. Why not look for a job that you will enjoy? Something more challenging because you know you are capable of doing more. I really do believe in work hard and play hard. It can't be all play unfortunately so maybe find work that drives you, interests you and something that makes you look forward to waking up every morning.

How about other things in your life? Love life? Places you want to go? Things you want to do?

It all comes down to.... What do you want? Figure that out and then go from there. Writing it down on paper really helps.

Please don't cut yourself anymore, seeing those scars are only going to make you feel more empty. You don't need to bleed to know you're alive. If you have the courage to cut yourself, why not use that courage to change your life?

I hope you feel better soon x

[pippilongpaws]

Hi Frame;
Thanks so much for your welcome. I think that's all I need at the moment; an empathetic ear as you said, somewhere where I feel I can share my thoughts without te fear of being ridiculed or pittied.
I never realised the mirror between my work and home life. Thanks for your take on this, it's given me somehting to think on.

Hi Ieris;
I can totally relate to music drowning out thoughts. It's the same with me. I feel when I'm by myself in silence, my mind works overtime, and I start to feel too restless. Music is soothing. At the minute my books and music choices are tied. I'm finishing off the Hunger Games trilogy and have formed a mild addicion to the soundtrack of the second film. I like the primal beat to a lot of the songs. I think it's the air of freedom and space that attracts me to the books and the music (despite the dictatorship that defines the books, the characters are often outside, in wide sweeping sceenry). I also like JRR Tolkein's works; anything that sings of a different time, of adventure bravery. I really don't know what i'd do without my books. the ebb and flow of words on a page remids me of a river, meandering through the land, carving out a paht so steadfast and sure, just like the words of the book do to my mind. Haha, I think I'm waffling on a bit now but talking about books is one of the few things that I take enjoyment from at the moment. I would love to hear any book suggestions though, as I'm always looking for new reading material.

I too would prefer to spend time on my own than to spend time with my firnds. Some understand, some don't , but when people try to change me I become even more stubborn than I usually am.

My goals; job focus, places to go, things to do, are all pretty jumbled at the moment, and every time I try to sift through them, I jsut end up feeling out of my depth. It feels some days that my mind is pulling me in every direction.

I may try your idea of writing things down, my head does seem a little lighter if there's a thought on paper instead of floating about in there.

Thank you; I never see myself as having much courgae, but you may be right. I haven't cut in a month or so now, as the need comes and goes, but if I could break the negativ ehabits, maybe I can also break through the doldrums my mind seems to have found itself stranded in

[Frame]

Pippi; do you like historical fiction also?

A few of my sci-fi favorites are:
Hienlein's ; "Stranger in a Strang Land"
Asimov's ; "Foundation" Trilogy
Stephenson's; "Anathem"

If you don't mind some violence I picked up "Child 44" by Tom Rob Smith in a second hand store and was riveted. It thrilled me to find the movie was originally going to be made by Ridley Scott. I love his cinematography. Sadly that has fallen through. It could be triggering though.

Also; on the sites "Books Should Be Free" and "Librivox" are a host of public domain e-books and audio books. G. K. Chesterton wrote a bunch of great mystery novels. Most of his other books are very preachy.

Anyway;
Frame

[pippilongpaws]

To be honest Frame, I've never tried historical fiction, although I'm always interested in reading new genres so I'll no doubt get round to it eventually.

Thanks for the book references, I'll make sure to look into them. And also thanks for the tip about the free e-books. As said, they're the only thing that seems to be holding my interest at the moment, so the opportunity to immerse myself in even more stories is not one to be passed up.

Thank you again.

[Ieris]

Sorry for not replying sooner pipilongpaws! Hope you had a good weekend!

I haven't seen Hunger Games yet but heard it is similar to Battle Royale which I really enjoyed so I will definitely watch it sometime soon JRR Tolkien wrote The Lord of the Rings, I didn't read the books but I loved the films! Did you? I was a little sad when it ended but I'm glad The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug is out soon. Some other films that I thought were good are Shawshank Redemption, War Horse and Schindlers list. I know books are usually better as they are much more thorough but I love the visuals and soundtracks which can be very uplifting, I love Ice Dance by Danny Elfman

Nice to see how passionate you feel about books ;p i know the feeling, some you just dont want to out down until you finish it but then feel a bit gutted at the end when there is nothing to follow. I think I read different books to you though (murders, abuse, being abandoned etc) but never know you may like some.. My favourite book is Out by Natsuo Kirono. Room by Emma Donoghue is OK, reminds me of the Fritzl case in Austria. I like to read about hardship and how people pull through at the end.

Some times friends don't give you the best advice as they don't know what you are going through and simply dont know what to say. I don't like to expose myself to anyone like that so when I feel stuck I read self help books, just feels like getting some good advice from someone without any judgement.

If you don't know what you want in life and feeling lost then I highly recommend WISHCRAFT by Barbara Sher. I have difficulty sticking to one thing so I am now reading Refuse to Choose by the same author. When I feel that my batteries are going down I read a couple pages to charge myself back up.

How are you feeling lately? x

[pippilongpaws]

Hi Ieris,

Yes, both sets of films are really great. I'm going to see the Hobbit on Saturday which is something to look forward to. A lot of the books you mention I've never heard of, so it's go tme curious to go and read up about them.

I know what you mean; frends think they're helping by giving advice, but they sometimes can't fully grasp the situation unless they've been in it too.

I'm feeling a little better in some ways lately. It may seem stupid, but just writing out my inital post and reading through what others have posted on the forum has given me the feeling that a bit of weight has been lifted off my shoulders. It's the sense of opening up and knowing that I won't be ridiculed for my feelings, knowing that so many others have similar troubles. Also, it has made me feel lucky, as others on here have went through really very harrowing ordeals but I haven't had to endure that.

Christmas is around the corner. It's my favourite season as I feel almost like a kid again, the atmosphere is always magical. It's such a busy season that it distracts me from the restlessness in my head. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's being alone with nothing but my thoughts to keep me occupied. It drives me to despair. Which is why i have headphones in almost 24/7 as it drowns out their screaming.

Work is still putting me down; it seems like I just get the chance to perk up a little and then I'm kicked back down again. The emotional mood swings are sapping me of energy, they really are. But I've thought a lot about your "courage to change your life" statement and have made a pact with myself to start seeking out something I really want to do. There's a favourite quote of mine; "the hand will not reach what the heart does not long for" and it's perfectly true. You can't feel motivated and enthused by something you just have no heart for. Which is why, when work has been slow and gettign me down this week, I've been researching all I can about different engineerign roles, companies and vacancies. It's proving to be almost theraputic, knowing there's a job out there with my name on it.

Although I feel a litte embarassed about this ambition, I'll share it with you...I want to try writing a novel. I'm not sure what about yet, but the very thoguht of it fills my head with countless possibilities and storylines. Words are everything to me, so I thought why not use that to do something interesting. I doubt it'll be a very good novel, but it will be an activity to keep my mind occupied.

Ha, reading through this post, it almost sounds like I'm undeserving to be on this forum; I sound too happy! But the truth is, I am happy about some things, but extremely sad about others. I try to be happy often, as the whole "fake it 'til you make it" phrase encourages us to do but even if I'm genuinely happy, I can feel the bleakness crouched in the corner of my mind, waiting there still for me to go back to it. And I don't think that's normal as it were. I feel...different from the usual folks I meet. React differently, think differently, and not in the usual way that folk are dissimilar, but in the "oh, she's a little odd" way. That's why I came on here; to have people to maybe talk to who understand what I mean when I ramble on about this stuff, and to maybe try and see if there really is anything wrong with me (besides paranoia, clearly, ahaha).

Oh, this is just rambling now, I'm sorry.

[Frame]

Hey Pippi:

I have been wandering around this site, "Librivox" for a while. One reason is that I have trouble sleeping. These books are read by volunteers and; some of them read quite well, some are horrible, some readers are so sedate they almost hypnotize me. I put my headphones on and before I know it, I'm asleep.

The reason for my reply is I found a book by Henry James, "The Art of Fiction". It might help in writing your novel.

[Ieris]

Hi Pipilongpaws,

Cool let me know if the Hobbit is any good I am going to watch the Hunger Games this weekend and hope it lives up to the hype!

Yeah some friends do want to help but don't know how to. I am too proud to ask for their help and believe I should be able to deal with my own problems as everyone has problems of their own. Having someone to listen when I need to blow off some steam is good enough for me.

I agree with you, when you read what others have gone through, your own problems can seem so small. Worse is that their situations aren't because of their own doing - could be bad upbringing, abusive parents/partners etc. Whereas I feel that mine is self inflicted, no one is stopping me from doing what I want but myself. Trapping myself in my thoughts and what is really weird is that it's almost like your own mind is working against you instead of for you.

I love winter too, I know its dark and cold but like you said there is a magical essence to it. I went out over the weekend I love all the Christmas lights and everyone seems so cheery which is nice to see.
Are you doing much for Christmas and New Years?

Sorry to hear about work, it is competitive and people will constantly put you down because they don't want you to get ahead of them. Don't take it personally and try not to let these people who mean nothing to you get to you on a deeper level, they often put others down just so that they can feel better about themselves.

I was excited when I read about your ambition because that is also mine ;p I don't think it is anything to be embarrassed about, don't doubt yourself and you never know maybe your novel will be made into a movie some day! How cool would that be Nothing wrong with aiming high. I look forward to reading your novel some day.
I have the story in my head but haven't put it down onto paper. Like you said there is countless possibilities and it is so exciting that I don't know where to start!!

I understand what you mean when people label you as odd. To be honest, society tries to mold people in a certain way and if you don't fit that mold then you aren't normal (well so they say but oblivious to what situation they are in). Not about to take criticism from someone who is stuck inside the box and blind to see anything beyond that. Be glad that you are not like them, blindly following like sheep. There are so many rules that has been passed down from people who have died centuries ago, who's to say that you have to follow them anyway? Who put them in charge? I say live how to want to live, enjoy your freedom and never let anyone take that away from you!!

haha sorry for my long essay! (if only I was like this with my novel! ha!)