Even Hell Can Get Comfy Once You've Settled In

[ayeitsclare]

My story starts on January 12th, 1999. I was born to two teenage parents. I was a mistake. However, I was still loved greatly. I had a loving family, on each side. I was spoiled by my grandmother, and my mother. However, my parents didn't love each other enough. They got divorced when I was three, but it didn't last. They got back together, and things got bad.
We moved once or twice and I continued to go to the same elementary. I was outgoing, lovable, and clever.
However, by about grade three, my dad had gotten abusive. You see, he's an alcoholic. Both my parents are. They would fight, ruthlessly, physically. Even if I had friends over. It would terrify me to the point where I wouldn't sleep.
Neither of them ever touched me, though.
My dad cheated on my mom. He got the girl pregnant. That was the breaking point.
My mom left, with me. Weeks later, she met my step father. He never really liked me much. He thought I was a brat. But him and my mom got clean together, from drugs and alcohol. By now, I was in fifth grade. I continued to see my dad on weekend visits.
I was very quiet, all through grade five, six, and seven. Very well behaved, polite.
Then came grade eight.
The year of hell.
I became more social, and ended up having my heart broken countless times. My grades slipped, and I started harming myself. I started getting thoughts of suicide. I developed severe anxiety.
I moved mid grade eight, right after my parents found out i was cutting.
It ruined me. I was just getting better.
I started to hurt myself, more severely. But it wasn't until grade nine when it nearly took my life. My boyfriend of four months and I had gotten into a fight and i had cut to the fat, countless times over. I almost passed out. I got over it, and we sorted things out.
Then a few months ago, I was hit by a car. I broke my femur. As a result of the full leg cast, I lost muscle, confidence, and friends. However, I also gained weight.
Since then I've been desperately trying to lose it. I've been starving myself to get down to 105 lbs. My depression has worsened, and, even though im 95 days clean, I can't stop thinking about hurting myself.
Life, is stressful.
I have a father that doesn't care, a verbally abusive step father, a mother thats just too busy, a boyfriend that is losing more interest in me by the day, and a brain that is just too overloaded to function.

What is the purpose to my life?

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[TurtleRock]

The brief glimpse of your life story give me the impression of someone who's suffered more then their fair share of pain. I wish I understood your pain better if I did I might understand my little sister better but that is neither here nor there.

We often have no control over the events in our lives, We can only try to control or at least change how we react to them. I respect how hard it can be to try and step back from a situation and gain a different perspective when your brain won't stop long enough for you to take a breathe let alone think about things in depth. That being said if you can forgive yourself for gaining weight while you recovered you might find the energy you need to plan how your going to get it off in a safer way then starving yourself.

I know its easier said then done and may not be possible for everyone but I believe you might just have what it takes to make it through this. The people here may not be able to tell you what the purpose of your life is in a way that means something to you, But they will listen and offer what emotional support they can.