Hi everyone,
I've had a rather complicated time with depression and I'm still unsure as to how to feel about my experience. This is my story and the first time I have written it down. This is a kind of outlet for me and a way to look at my situation as a whole for the first time. Any comments are welcome.
I had a bout of depression, triggered by a relationship break up, the summer before university. Once at uni everything was great as I was distracted and living a whole different life.
I soon began another relationship that was very intense. He was diagnosed with a degenerative disease of the spine which causes his spine to fuse causing excruciating pain. This stopped him from becoming a a top athlete and could no longer run. I became his sole shoulder to lean on and as we worked through his problems our relationship matured drastically. After a few months I lost my faith in Christianity and lost a lot of friends and my whole outlook on life. A few months later I was suffering from severe pain in my sex life which couldn't be cured. I felt guilty that I couldn't have a healthy sex life with my bf. soon after my depression started and I needed my boyfriend for a lot of support but with both of our problems it became a big strain. He gave me an ultimatum of either going on anti depressants or we split up as it was too much to put on him (which it was but I still resented being given such an ultimatum). From then I went on citalapram.
With my depression I couldn't rationalise situations and could be very harsh on my boyfriend. We were constantly fighting but needed each other for support. After a year of a poisonous relationship we split up but it was incredibly messy. We still lived and needed each other but it was causing so much hurt. I know I was extremely mean and have felt guilty ever since that its my fault I hurt my ex so much.
As my ex was involved in my sports team and my lectures I couldn't escape him and I had to quit my team and stop going to lectures. It just reminded me of the pain and hurt he caused. My drug dose was increased so I could complete my degree and attempt my exams.
I only managed a 2:2 but because I know I'm capable of better without depression I'm gutted with it, especially as it has sopped me doing masters that I had applied for and all my friends are following the path I wanted but cannot follow.
About 8 months on now I have a new boyfriend and things are looking up yet I am not at a stage where I can go to him for support. I am still upset with my degree and feel so disappointed in myself and the fact that I had such a horrible time at uni when so many others have had the best times of their lives. I wish I had as good a time as them and had achieved as much as them.
I am still on anti depressants and am about to begin a PGCE course to become a teacher. I know it's a good job but its just not what I wanted. Also my boyfriend is a phd student and is travelling around the world on conferences which is what I should be doing if it wasn't for this horrific disease.
I still struggle with being alone, I resent that I am on drugs and can't function without them and I am incredibly dissatisfied with my life knowing that I am capable of so much more and have missed out on so much happiness.
A student wholly dissatisfied with her life
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Hi Hannahs26,
Forgive me if I don't have the right advice. But, I'll try!
Seems like you've gone through a lot in college, thus far. I haven't experienced your particular situation, (though I do have back issues similar to your ex's, and I've had some college)!
Have you usually been involved in a relationship, while dealing with your studies? From the outside looking in, I see you juggling too much at once! Dealing with depression, in the midst of all this, only adds more strain. You know this. I'm not trying to come across as condescending, but carrying too much at a time will definately weigh you down. I would advise you lighten your load. Unburden yourself some! Take a break, if you must, before returning to school. After some refreshment, return and try to leave relationships alone for a while. If your focus is mostly on studying, it will help you to succeed, and you won't be having to juggle so much at once. I have a feeling you have so much life ahead of you. You CAN do this, and you WILL.
Forgive me if I don't have the right advice. But, I'll try!
Seems like you've gone through a lot in college, thus far. I haven't experienced your particular situation, (though I do have back issues similar to your ex's, and I've had some college)!
Have you usually been involved in a relationship, while dealing with your studies? From the outside looking in, I see you juggling too much at once! Dealing with depression, in the midst of all this, only adds more strain. You know this. I'm not trying to come across as condescending, but carrying too much at a time will definately weigh you down. I would advise you lighten your load. Unburden yourself some! Take a break, if you must, before returning to school. After some refreshment, return and try to leave relationships alone for a while. If your focus is mostly on studying, it will help you to succeed, and you won't be having to juggle so much at once. I have a feeling you have so much life ahead of you. You CAN do this, and you WILL.
Hi Hannah,
Here's my (easy to say and difficult to do) advice:
Don't compare yourself to other people. That's the best way to be unhappy.
I think the best thing to do for yourself is to just look at the good things you've accomplished (you've completed part of your studies, you'll be a teacher). These are all excellent things on their own merit.
It's ofcourse not going to make you feel magically better but there are studies showing that people do better when they're told about the things they're doing right rather than being told why/how they're doing things wrong.
So don't think of comparing yourself to your boyfriend or your friends. Instead think "Ok, today, I'm going to wake up and finish this chapter out of my book & I'm going to do it as good as I can."
And btw, I'm not pulling this out of my ass: I'm telling you this as a medical student whose friends all graduated a year before me AND I failed an important exam. I'm single (my ex died) and most of my friends are married. So I know it's hard but I'm the most miserable when I look at their lives and think "Oh why did I screw up so bad?" My days are a lot better and more productive when I think "Ok - yes, things bad now but here's something I can do today to make it a little better"
Here's my (easy to say and difficult to do) advice:
Don't compare yourself to other people. That's the best way to be unhappy.
I think the best thing to do for yourself is to just look at the good things you've accomplished (you've completed part of your studies, you'll be a teacher). These are all excellent things on their own merit.
It's ofcourse not going to make you feel magically better but there are studies showing that people do better when they're told about the things they're doing right rather than being told why/how they're doing things wrong.
So don't think of comparing yourself to your boyfriend or your friends. Instead think "Ok, today, I'm going to wake up and finish this chapter out of my book & I'm going to do it as good as I can."
And btw, I'm not pulling this out of my ass: I'm telling you this as a medical student whose friends all graduated a year before me AND I failed an important exam. I'm single (my ex died) and most of my friends are married. So I know it's hard but I'm the most miserable when I look at their lives and think "Oh why did I screw up so bad?" My days are a lot better and more productive when I think "Ok - yes, things bad now but here's something I can do today to make it a little better"
Thank you both for the advice. Surprisingly enough I get told I do too much quite often, I guess I love a challenge! But hearing it from someone impartial definitely trikes more of a chord. I also appreciate the advice of not comparing my life to others. Especially when I only compare myself to people who are doing better than me and not taking in the whole picture.
I am so sorry to hear of the difficulties you both have with horrendous back issues and partners passing away. Those in themselves give me a reality check as to how lucky I am.
Keep strong, and I will too. I look forward to the day when this life changing disease can be healed, but until that day, lets take on the challenge we've been given and come out the other side stronger, wiser and happier.
I am so sorry to hear of the difficulties you both have with horrendous back issues and partners passing away. Those in themselves give me a reality check as to how lucky I am.
Keep strong, and I will too. I look forward to the day when this life changing disease can be healed, but until that day, lets take on the challenge we've been given and come out the other side stronger, wiser and happier.
It looks like your relationship, with men, screw up your life more than it helps.
This girl I know wanted to go to med school but her parents couldn't afford to send her. She studied to be a nurse, a few years later, she went back to be pharmacist.
In her mid thirties, she managed to get into med school, and this is no small feat, considering that there is a shortage of doctor and her career will be 15 shorter than the average doctor.
I know another doctor that took her courses in Europe and when she came to America, they didn't recognized her diploma, she had to start all over, 5 years.
My shrink was an inalotherapist, in Germany, he was treated like a god, he was living the great life, tons and tons of money, 3 months of vacation, a car and so on. He didn't like it so he came to Canada and studied psychiatry.
This only show that it's never to late to start over or do what your should have done the year before. Like Falimenot says, you shouldn't compare yourself to the one that have more because you'll never see the end of it. You're still very young, you have plenty of time to do whatever it is you want to do.
This girl I know wanted to go to med school but her parents couldn't afford to send her. She studied to be a nurse, a few years later, she went back to be pharmacist.
In her mid thirties, she managed to get into med school, and this is no small feat, considering that there is a shortage of doctor and her career will be 15 shorter than the average doctor.
I know another doctor that took her courses in Europe and when she came to America, they didn't recognized her diploma, she had to start all over, 5 years.
My shrink was an inalotherapist, in Germany, he was treated like a god, he was living the great life, tons and tons of money, 3 months of vacation, a car and so on. He didn't like it so he came to Canada and studied psychiatry.
This only show that it's never to late to start over or do what your should have done the year before. Like Falimenot says, you shouldn't compare yourself to the one that have more because you'll never see the end of it. You're still very young, you have plenty of time to do whatever it is you want to do.
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