When I left college, I went to a university not too far from home, but far enough that it was still a decent drive away and had to look after myself.
I really struggled being away from family, friends, home. Eventually I became so anxious and depressed I used to lock myself in the tiny student room I had and avoided going to the bathroom and kitchen...I ended up near-starving myself and pretty much became a complete wreck.
After two months I withdrew from Uni with a massive debt and went back home feeling like a complete failure.
A couple months after that I started an apprenticeship. I was glad to be working, but the role was too much for me...there was a lot of important responsibilities that seemed way too much for an apprentice to be handling.
As well as that, things at home weren't all that great and long before I even started the apprenticeship scheme I had met someone and now only felt happy when he was around...so in the end I decided to quit the job
I moved across the country instead to live with him in his family's home.
Everyone was convinced I was crazy at this point.
I was hit with depression again with the move, but this time I had better support and was more determined to make it work. I went through CBT and really felt like I had a better grip on everything.
Even though I was unemployed and living very cheaply...I was happy.
A year later I decided to take a part-time home study course in Writing, something I've always wanted to do and failed to do at Uni. I'm still studying it and it's going very well.
A few months ago I got a job offer for another apprenticeship. I had to accept whether I liked it or not, but it seemed pretty good on paper.
Like all the previous times I tried something, I knew I was going to feel tearful and likely to slip.
The owner of the company saw that I was quite clever after only a couple days working there and gave me the biggest pile of unrelated work...something that wasn't on the job description and came without warning! He also constantly checked up on me asking how progress was.
It didn't help at all and I completely broke down into tears at work. I calmed myself down and decided to speak up to the manager...explaining that I have anxiety disorder, how it affects me and how I was feeling at work.
I got a "Ohh, everything will be fine" kind of response.
When nothing improved, I went to the doctors and was referred to for therapy, and was given dates and times of the sessions.
I told work this as they were on weekdays, their initial suggestion was to use holidays...
In the end I had to cancel my therapy sessions because I became stressed then worrying that I would miss family events like Christmas with no holidays.
I grew increasingly more upset and my worries were constantly brushed aside at work.
Not only that, but starting work actually caused more financial trouble than not working!! It wasn't worth it even for the money as I wasn't gaining much extra.
In the end, I went on anti-depressants, am now seeing therapy anyway, and have been off sick for some weeks.
I tried contacting them about my worries...they said that taking holidays was "just a suggestion" and they said I could take unpaid time off instead.
As I've been diagnosed with depression for a long time and they were made aware of this...they've put me at a disadvantage and are really unsupportive, they're breaking the Equality Act 2010...but I don't feel strong enough to take this up.
I've decided I'm going to quit the job.(Noticing a pattern here?) I seem to try things once then keep quitting...seemingly making rash decisions that either make me crumble into pieces or turn out to be the best things I've ever done. I can't seem to handle how I live.
One good thing has come out of that job though...I managed to make contacts from the work and was asked to do a bit of freelance work. I plan on trying to build on this when I leave but I'm so anxious about this as well as the future that I'm not sure if it'll work out.
I already have some work in the pipeline, which I'm doing voluntarily to build a proper portfolio, but I near-panic every time I have to contact the client and am so nervous about the whole thing.
...In the end I don't know what my career is supposed to be or what I'm after.
Working from home would be great but sometimes I'm not sure if I'll be confident enough to make it full-time.
I'm constantly worried about what I'm going to be doing with my future...I fear it would be too easy for me to just procrastinate and do nothing with my life.
Does anyone else ever feel this way?
