If I'm not getting better, at least I'm not getting worse

[SilentWaters]

Hmmm. So this is where I put down my life story... well ok, it's a long read. Here goes:

About 10 years ago my family got into serious debt... and we ran away. Left town, moved several provinced over and settled where we are now. Dirt poor with no car, my parents did their best but I çouldn't go through the normal schooling everyone else did (because no school would accept me as my parents couldn't put the full deposit down). I learned a lot of lessons from their struggle back to a proper living. It was a hard time for everyone. I blamed myself for alot of everything at the time. And, looking back, I think of this as the very first episode of depression, I was 14 or 15 and it lasted on and off for more than a year. In the last few months of that time I very nearly went through with the plan to kill myself.

Was this where my depression came from? Maybe but I can't be sure (I was never a very happy child despite living a very good life before we moved) After all, at that point the word "depression" didn't exist for me, I had no way of knowing that this was the parasite eating away at me... I only discovered that word several years later (untill then I named my condition "ungrateful b*tch")

Some years later I got to matric (again not the proper kind either, but at least I was surrounded by actual people and actual teachers) and at the end of 2009 I was done with school. Of course, my dreams of university got smashed as I was to find out (2 years of applying to get in) that the certificate would not be accepted (long story as to why, I won't bore you with that)

So I worked. One perfectly respectable job after another (this is my 3rd job in 4 years, I'm leaving this one at the end of the year) and I hated them all. I imagine this added to the depression in a big way as during these 4 years I experienced the worst episodes (aside from the very first one) but now I was older and I had done A LOT of research into depression and I had learned several coping stratagies.

Dealing with the sadness, guilt, anger, self-hatred and tiredness. The lack of concentration, motivation and memory. The panic, sleeplessness and wrong-thinking... is no easier now than it was then. But I can honestly say it's not going to kill me anymore (It's been years since I looked at sharp objects in a disturbing way or fantasized about death all weird and abstract)

So now I'm managing this parasite the way you manage your life if you have diabetes or an addiction: carefully.

-I never skip meals anymore
-I eat a lot of fruit and I take a vitamin supplement
-I always keep a bottle of water nearby
-I force myself to stay in contact with my family and friends, even just once a week
-I try to sleep early and get up early too (when I can sleep at all that is)
-I try really hard to excercise 4 times a week (yea I cheat on this one a bit... well I play with the dogs every day so that counts too)
-I am very very strict about the way I walk and talk (I always ALWAYS walk with my shoulders back and head up, strong and decisive steps. Talking involves a smile and clear, positive tone)
-Then of course I try to correct any too-negative thoughts I have before they take hold
-And finally, I always have solidplans for the future. There always has to be a feeling of "tomorrow will be beter and if not then next month absolutely will be" (for me, I have made lanns to go to college next year)


It's not easy... heaven knows some days I want to stay in bed all day... but I live with the knowledge that it WILL get better... someday

[Frame]

Silent; this is a wonderfully lucid trip through the thing that is depression. The facts may be different for others, but the onset, the struggle, the mastery (OK, perhaps not mastery, but it sounds like you have it on a leash.); this so well described.

You have obviously been on a fruitful journey toward understanding and self awareness; and the disciplines you have adopted (I think) are right on and applicable to any life.

Thank you so much for posting.

I wonder; what process do you use for making plans e.g. long walks, day dreams, meditation / visualization, do you sit down with a pencil and paper, generate mind maps, group discussions? One of my biggest challenges is organization and lately organizing my future has been a problem. Much of the challenge is emotional.

[Alaska1958]

Hello Silent,

I admire the discipline that you hold yourself to. I'm afraid I am much more lax with myself. I wish you continued success and do hope that you are able to continue with your education at some point.

[SilentWaters]

That post is basicly an updated version of a letter I wrote a few years back, that I put in my memory box, specificly so I wouldn't forget my journey. My memories of that time are vague, like it never happened.

Thanks for your replies, now when it gets bad I can just think "hey, there's people out there who think I've got it together so let's not fall apart already"

It never feels like I've got it together so acting like it is the next best thing.

I don't have any specific methods for straightening out my thoughts or making plans. Often I sit with a pencil making tons of little lists or take walks or daydream... or a combination of the three...

I'm also prone to just go somewhere no one can hear me and just have a good long rant at myself, and then more often than not I'll have a good long cry at the injustice of it all (imagine the picture I must make, haha!) I tend to feel clearer afterwards.

But basicly any way I can express the feelings that get all tangled up inside will loosen them up enough to let me think clearer.

Clear enough to honestly answer something like "What do I want? What would make me less miserable? What would make tomorrow easier? What sounds like a good future to have? How do I get there?" And then put it in semi-logical steps.

I imagine meditation should be a lot more helpfull but I'm too easily distracted and my thoughts tend to bolt all over the place.


Well, that's me anyway, I can't promise that I'll make sense to anyone