Hello, I am in a very dark place at the moment and I really need some help or inspiration. I have spent my life trying to take things on myself, but in the last year I have had to ask for help with my mental health because of the intensity of my depression and anxiety (I attempted suicide a few times). I am 16 years of age, but I am no child or teenager, I am an adult in every respect other than years. I have been through a lot in my time on this planet.
My goal in life is a simple one. I want happiness. I have never felt it, nor can I say that I honestly believe that I will ever feel it. Even when I was a child I did not smile or laugh or play at the park like other kids. I am in a stable household with family who are caring enough. I have friends, but I feel like I am pulling them down. I go to school each day, but it becomes increasingly harder to do anything. I have severe claustrophobia, panic attacks and social anxiety disorder, which makes for a bad combination in a classroom.
I hate myself with more passion than anything else. My body is disgusting, I am disgusting. I have skin conditions and a plethora of other issues, which are too depressing to talk about. This means that I cannot function when people are looking at me, other people's eyes have become an object of fear for me. I am bisexual. Most of the people I am attracted to are not attracted to me. A lot of the people who's opinions matter to me would tell me it is disgusting. The first friend I told said that I should suppress it and hope that it goes away. He is my best friend. It kills me inside to remember that day because it was him I had feelings for. Even if I found a person who was attracted to me as much as I was to them and everybody was accepting, I would still not be able to get physical with that person because I am too insecure about my body. I am stopped relationships when it gets close to that point because of my fears.
I see things, I hallucinate things every day. Dark horrific things which haunt my life and push fear on me whenever it seems worst. I can't tell if they are real or not. I don't really know if I can talk about the stuff I see and hear, it is very painful.
By far the worst thing is my depression. It will destroy my future, my hopes of success are long gone. It has destroyed my past, down to the last memory. It is destroying my present, it is destroying me. The only reason I am not dead is because I don't have the guts...I have tried and tried. The pain doesn't stop, not for a minute. My life is nothing but torture, relenting agony. I fish for positive thoughts when I am at my worst but I can think of nothing, that is where friends can sometimes help. I hate to ask my friends for help though, they have problems of their own, which I try so hard to help with, but generally I am useless at that despite what they say. I am just ranting now, I better just get to the point.
I am seeing a psychiatrist, he is giving me drugs. They have some effect, but nowhere near enough regardless of the fact that they are extremely strong (especially for someone of my age).
I am very lonely and scared. Please talk to me if you have the time. I don't have much left. Please only say positive comments if you can help it, I can't take much more negativity, thank you. And thank you for if you took the time to read this. I have a lot of love to give and I will try my best to help anybody who wants it.
I need something to keep me going, please help me
Moderators: Sunlily92, windsong, BlueGobi, Moderators, Astrid
Hi Grey;
When it comes to darkness, I'd say you found a sweet spot for empathy here. Don't be discouraged if you don't get quick responses. There's a lot of struggling going on; but people are watching, and they're on your side.
I thought I'd copy a thread that deals with relationships because Pyotr caught the essence of what I seem to go through. I see you want happiness. You'll find me whining almost daily about my lack. It helps a little. Feel free.
There are positive posts on this site; most of them are discoveries on how to cope and triumphs over this darkness, so we may all learn something together.
By the way, while I'm not bisexual, I've know more than a few people who are. I can say I have rather deep relationship with someone who is. Not that it's safe to stereotype, but I tend to find with people, who's gender preferences are more encompassing, a richer deeper wiser personality. I can't say for you, but I wouldn't be surprised to find you to be more mature than your years indicate, just as you say.
Welcome
When it comes to darkness, I'd say you found a sweet spot for empathy here. Don't be discouraged if you don't get quick responses. There's a lot of struggling going on; but people are watching, and they're on your side.
I thought I'd copy a thread that deals with relationships because Pyotr caught the essence of what I seem to go through. I see you want happiness. You'll find me whining almost daily about my lack. It helps a little. Feel free.
There are positive posts on this site; most of them are discoveries on how to cope and triumphs over this darkness, so we may all learn something together.
By the way, while I'm not bisexual, I've know more than a few people who are. I can say I have rather deep relationship with someone who is. Not that it's safe to stereotype, but I tend to find with people, who's gender preferences are more encompassing, a richer deeper wiser personality. I can't say for you, but I wouldn't be surprised to find you to be more mature than your years indicate, just as you say.
Pyotr wrote:I'm 22 years of age, and I've probably had a hundred-fifty or so days in the last ten years in which I did not lay awake at night for hours wanting to die*. I feel that I am, at best, a burden on those around me-that I just get in the way. I feel so very alone, and, moreover, that that is how I should be-that I don't deserve better. That, even if I did deserve better, playing a role in someone else's life would make their life worse and therefore should not happen.
I feel like so many are gifted with compassion, empathy, and the capacity to love those around them-their family, friends, significant others, etc. Where many of you probably feel such things, I feel empty, cold, dead. I feel a complete lack of any real connections to anyone. I feel that I am so fundamentally different from everyone else, and in such purely negative ways, that I am not really an actual person-that I'm something less, something worse, something that shouldn't exist. I feel so very alone. So very, very alone, and that everyone would be better off without me.
There was one time I felt differently though-I felt that I had established a connection with someone, and even felt like I might even be a normal human being (and this was the source of most of the 150-ish days mentioned earlier during which I felt a bit better). I had met a rather nice young woman, and, within a few weeks of meeting, we were downright enamored with each other. It is because of this time that I actually know what it's like to be happy.
However, after a while, a mutual acquaintance of ours (a decent fellow, by the way) went through some sort of breakup with his high school sweetheart with whom he'd been in a long-distance relationship for a few years. When I saw the way my girlfriend-the one person I felt a connection with, the one person whose life I felt I was actually able to bring joy and happiness into-interacted with him and acted around him, and thought about their traits, quirks, etc., I could only come to one conclusion: that she'd be far happier and better off with him than with me. I didn't want to lose the one person who had ever made me actually want to live to see a new day, but I also wanted what was best for her.
I told her that I thought she'd be happier with him, and she vehemently disagreed with me. The seed of doubt had been planted in her mind, though, and it grew for a few months until she realized that I was right; the rose-colored glasses of new couple-hood were lifted and she came to notice and chafe at my myriad flaws. She left me, I arranged things such that it'd be easier for her to express her feelings for this fellow, and I provided encouragement. Within two weeks, the two of them were together, and I was largely out of her life. I kept away so their relationship could grow without her worrying about the entire ordeal's effect on me (she knew about my issues), and I have lost that connection with her. They have been the happiest couple I'm aware of for well over a year now, but I lost the one person I'd ever made happy, the one person who'd ever made my life worth living.
The time leading up to our breakup taught me a few things about myself, though. When she started to recognize and resent many of my flaws, I started to see ones I'd never noticed before. I came to realize that they are problems that no one should be subjected to, and that no one could tolerate long-term. And, in conjunction with these flaws, the end of the one connection I felt I'd ever experienced showed me that it wasn't actually a real connection, and that a real connection between me and someone else couldn't really happen
*not that it's much different during the day.
Frame wrote:I had just responded to your earlier post Pyotr; then I found this one. I don't like to use extreme modifiers like totally, never or always; Wow, I know exactly how you feel. That's my life in relationships. The excitement, the weird connection / dis-connection, the ultimate action of my pushing someone away. I was going to say the intellectual connection, emotional disconnection; but that's not really it, at least not for me.
It's more like I make a deep insightful connection on many levels very quickly. But then I hit a wall a relationship can't grow through. For me, in reality (as much as it hurts to say) I loose interest. I'm distracted by another part of my life and never really get back to where I was in the relationship. I try to come back but I'm a different person. Not being able to explain what's happening ruins a relationship. I've grown accustom to gently nudging a person away before that happens. It's painful but less painful, and safer.
I'm 52 now and I could say I've tried to to understand why this happens. The most insight I've found is that, for me, it's not about laziness or even relationships. I think it has something to do with finding meaning. And I think it means what everybody has always said is true; that I'm special. I hate being special. It's not fun. And it's not like you get a break. Well sometimes you do. OK, I'll stop rambling.
Welcome
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Alaska1958
- Posts: 178
- Joined: Sat Jul 06, 2013 11:23 pm
Hello Gray,
Many of us can relate to your circumstances. I'm glad you have a stable and loving family around you. I grew up with much the same. It didn't keep me from being very depressed, but life would have been so much worse if that were not the case. The trouble with my family was that none of us were good at showing much of any emotion. As a result, the member of the family I'm, by far, the closest to is the one that married into it. My sister in law has been married to my brother for almost 40 years now, they both know I've suffered from depression for most of my life, but it's her that stays close to me, calls me to meet for lunch and to see how I'm doing.
Sorry, I tend to start yakking about myself in these posts. Being 16 is pretty hard for many.I know I was regularly calling a local crisis line around then and my sister committed suicide at 17. While I personally have long had a problem with depression, coping with life and trying to figure out what the point of life is as a teenager makes that period of life extra hard.
Not being happy with your own self image is pretty common and just makes things that much harder.
Are you able to get out and exercise? My last therapist was telling me that she had terrible anxiety attacks and one of the ways that really helped her cope was to stay very active and get a good bit of exercise every day.
Therapy is good. Is it possible for you to see someone there?
This is a good place to talk to others who understand what you're going through. Tell us more when you can.
Good luck
Many of us can relate to your circumstances. I'm glad you have a stable and loving family around you. I grew up with much the same. It didn't keep me from being very depressed, but life would have been so much worse if that were not the case. The trouble with my family was that none of us were good at showing much of any emotion. As a result, the member of the family I'm, by far, the closest to is the one that married into it. My sister in law has been married to my brother for almost 40 years now, they both know I've suffered from depression for most of my life, but it's her that stays close to me, calls me to meet for lunch and to see how I'm doing.
Sorry, I tend to start yakking about myself in these posts. Being 16 is pretty hard for many.I know I was regularly calling a local crisis line around then and my sister committed suicide at 17. While I personally have long had a problem with depression, coping with life and trying to figure out what the point of life is as a teenager makes that period of life extra hard.
Not being happy with your own self image is pretty common and just makes things that much harder.
Are you able to get out and exercise? My last therapist was telling me that she had terrible anxiety attacks and one of the ways that really helped her cope was to stay very active and get a good bit of exercise every day.
Therapy is good. Is it possible for you to see someone there?
This is a good place to talk to others who understand what you're going through. Tell us more when you can.
Good luck
Thank you very much, Alaska1958.
It is great to get these responses, it really helps. I used to exercise on a daily basis. I am a black belt in both Zen Do Kai and Goju Ryu styles of karate, but recently I have stopped teaching and training.
I talk to the psychiatrist who gave me the drugs, but I generally don't get anything from it because it is hard for me to talk to people in person about this stuff.
I have been struggling with marks at school in the last few years. I put extremely high expectations on myself and I am never happy with what I get. I am doing mathematical and scientific subjects in year 11 and 12, which means I need to get really high marks. It tears me up inside as I see my good physique and high marks fall to pieces in front of me. I can't do anything. I am too scared to go to karate and I don't have the energy. I don't have anything to be proud of anymore.
None of my friends or family understand what it is like to feel pain all the time, and not be able to interact with people normally. Nobody is more lenient on me, if anything they apply more pressure. I can't cope with anything anymore and I am not sure what to do. I just push myself until I can't do it anymore, then I break down. I have to cover that up with an excuse and then try to push myself again, I don't see any other option.
Thank you again for responding to me.
It is great to get these responses, it really helps. I used to exercise on a daily basis. I am a black belt in both Zen Do Kai and Goju Ryu styles of karate, but recently I have stopped teaching and training.
I talk to the psychiatrist who gave me the drugs, but I generally don't get anything from it because it is hard for me to talk to people in person about this stuff.
I have been struggling with marks at school in the last few years. I put extremely high expectations on myself and I am never happy with what I get. I am doing mathematical and scientific subjects in year 11 and 12, which means I need to get really high marks. It tears me up inside as I see my good physique and high marks fall to pieces in front of me. I can't do anything. I am too scared to go to karate and I don't have the energy. I don't have anything to be proud of anymore.
None of my friends or family understand what it is like to feel pain all the time, and not be able to interact with people normally. Nobody is more lenient on me, if anything they apply more pressure. I can't cope with anything anymore and I am not sure what to do. I just push myself until I can't do it anymore, then I break down. I have to cover that up with an excuse and then try to push myself again, I don't see any other option.
Thank you again for responding to me.
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Alaska1958
- Posts: 178
- Joined: Sat Jul 06, 2013 11:23 pm
You've mentioned how bad things have been in the last year. I was wondering if there was any obvious triggering event? Not that there needs to be. How were you doing at 14?
What kind of drugs does your doctor have you on? I'm not asking for specific names, but what types. For instance I've used quite a few different antidepressants over the years, a couple of mood stabilizers and a couple anxiety drugs. Most have been of some help, but honestly non have been hugely successful.
You sound like you've been pretty successful in several ways. Mastering martial arts and in school. Don't say you have nothing to be proud of anymore. It's not true. We should not judge ourselves on what we did today or even this year. We are more than that. I have spent the last 40 years being a productive member of society. I've always tried to be an honorable man who took responsibilities for my actions. But in recent years it's been harder and harder to take care of what needs doing. A year and a half ago I lost the job I'd had for 16 years. I just couldn't get up and get another job and after a few months my wife said get out. It's very tempting to see myself as worthless and without meaning. But I know too that there are those who love me and care for me. It is only the thought of hurting them that keeps me here.
I'm jabbering on again. I don't know if anything I've said helps you at all. It's just how I see the world these days.
What kind of drugs does your doctor have you on? I'm not asking for specific names, but what types. For instance I've used quite a few different antidepressants over the years, a couple of mood stabilizers and a couple anxiety drugs. Most have been of some help, but honestly non have been hugely successful.
You sound like you've been pretty successful in several ways. Mastering martial arts and in school. Don't say you have nothing to be proud of anymore. It's not true. We should not judge ourselves on what we did today or even this year. We are more than that. I have spent the last 40 years being a productive member of society. I've always tried to be an honorable man who took responsibilities for my actions. But in recent years it's been harder and harder to take care of what needs doing. A year and a half ago I lost the job I'd had for 16 years. I just couldn't get up and get another job and after a few months my wife said get out. It's very tempting to see myself as worthless and without meaning. But I know too that there are those who love me and care for me. It is only the thought of hurting them that keeps me here.
I'm jabbering on again. I don't know if anything I've said helps you at all. It's just how I see the world these days.
Thank you again Alaska. It is hard to get it across convincingly, but it helps so much to talk to you about this and hear your comments. I am unable to think positive thoughts so it helps immensely. Thank you.
Your story really inspires a lot of sadness in me, and I don't know why, but a lot of anger as well. I know that you have a great heart despite everything because of the fact that you don't want to hurt others by leaving. To be honest the thought barely passes my mind, and I feel terrible for it. I don't know enough about your situation to be saying this, but your wife should have been more supportive of you in times like that I would have thought. My mum really showed her trust when my dad was out of work for a while, I feel like I should be doing something to help, but I don't really have much to offer. Most of the time I feel pretty useless, a lot of my friends have some pretty serious issues and I have given some support but it doesn't help enough in the long run.
My doctor gives me quite strong drugs which stimulate the production of seratonin. They give me pretty bad side effects and don't help a heap, but now I think I am slightly better off with them.
I was never happy, I have never been happy and I have no idea what it feels like. In the last few years though things have gotten worse though. I wasn't always depressed...just not happy. I have developed complicated posttraumatic stress disorder, social anxiety, ego-dystonic sexual orientation, body dysmorphic disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, panic disorder, chronic stress disorder, borderline personality disorder, chronic fatigue syndrome and a plethora of fears including claustraphobia and a fear of people (in person and especially in groups).
I am not sure if the hallucinations were because of trauma from something else or if they are the things causing the trauma. It doesn't matter much because I am stuck with both.
Your story really inspires a lot of sadness in me, and I don't know why, but a lot of anger as well. I know that you have a great heart despite everything because of the fact that you don't want to hurt others by leaving. To be honest the thought barely passes my mind, and I feel terrible for it. I don't know enough about your situation to be saying this, but your wife should have been more supportive of you in times like that I would have thought. My mum really showed her trust when my dad was out of work for a while, I feel like I should be doing something to help, but I don't really have much to offer. Most of the time I feel pretty useless, a lot of my friends have some pretty serious issues and I have given some support but it doesn't help enough in the long run.
My doctor gives me quite strong drugs which stimulate the production of seratonin. They give me pretty bad side effects and don't help a heap, but now I think I am slightly better off with them.
I was never happy, I have never been happy and I have no idea what it feels like. In the last few years though things have gotten worse though. I wasn't always depressed...just not happy. I have developed complicated posttraumatic stress disorder, social anxiety, ego-dystonic sexual orientation, body dysmorphic disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, panic disorder, chronic stress disorder, borderline personality disorder, chronic fatigue syndrome and a plethora of fears including claustraphobia and a fear of people (in person and especially in groups).
I am not sure if the hallucinations were because of trauma from something else or if they are the things causing the trauma. It doesn't matter much because I am stuck with both.
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Numerology12
- Posts: 7
- Joined: Mon Aug 05, 2013 2:17 pm
Numerology for Depression and other Mental disorders.
I am a Numerology researcher. I have treated people of depression using Numerology. Its the process of changing ones name/name spellings. One has to write the name 30-40 times daily in a notebook. From 30 to 100 days, depressions or other disorders see considerable improvements.
People interested to join and follow the procedure are welcome
People interested to join and follow the procedure are welcome
Hello again my friends,
I am in desperate need of some help. After making some progress with my medication and depression situation I have developed a sort of fear of not having depression. It may sound stupid, but I have lived without happiness for my whole life and the concept of happiness has always been strange to me, but now I just don't think I can handle it. My psychiatrist wants me to increase my dosage of medication, but I want to stop it altogether. At the moment I honestly just want to kill myself now as neither option gives me any hope and just kills me inside. I have tried to end it so many times but I just don't have the guts. I am really scared and confused. Please talk to me. I don't have anything left and I don't know what to do.
I am in desperate need of some help. After making some progress with my medication and depression situation I have developed a sort of fear of not having depression. It may sound stupid, but I have lived without happiness for my whole life and the concept of happiness has always been strange to me, but now I just don't think I can handle it. My psychiatrist wants me to increase my dosage of medication, but I want to stop it altogether. At the moment I honestly just want to kill myself now as neither option gives me any hope and just kills me inside. I have tried to end it so many times but I just don't have the guts. I am really scared and confused. Please talk to me. I don't have anything left and I don't know what to do.
Grey your trepidations are so familiar; And yes it's common to have concerns about loosing a pathology. Notice I didn't say better; we all want to get better, but sometimes...no very often (...perhaps always) getting better means letting go of things we have come to rely on. One psychiatrist answered, when I told him I was worried about not be depressed and anxious all the time, "Of course you do, they're old friends."
These "old friends", even if they are cause us harm, at the same time are helping us hold our life together. That is why I'm not on meds right now. I would feel 'better' and life would fall apart faster. That's not to say you shouldn't take your doctors advice. It does mean you should go into any treatment knowing there are gains and losses, and necessary compensations.
I'd like to think all Psychiatrists understand and supply the tools for a stable life once some of our "old friends" are gone. Unfortunately, their field is so complex, they have their hands full just conjuring hormones, neurotransmitters, and drug interactions. So the one's I've met leave the compensations and stable living up to us.
I know your fears; I believe you should try to have the gains clear in your mind whatever you do. And keep posting. Everyone hear can benefit from your experiences as, hopefully you learn from ours.
These "old friends", even if they are cause us harm, at the same time are helping us hold our life together. That is why I'm not on meds right now. I would feel 'better' and life would fall apart faster. That's not to say you shouldn't take your doctors advice. It does mean you should go into any treatment knowing there are gains and losses, and necessary compensations.
I'd like to think all Psychiatrists understand and supply the tools for a stable life once some of our "old friends" are gone. Unfortunately, their field is so complex, they have their hands full just conjuring hormones, neurotransmitters, and drug interactions. So the one's I've met leave the compensations and stable living up to us.
I know your fears; I believe you should try to have the gains clear in your mind whatever you do. And keep posting. Everyone hear can benefit from your experiences as, hopefully you learn from ours.
i just wanted to say don't give up i know that you are in a dark space but you are sixteen with your whole life ahead of you, keep going as tough as it is, don't give up.
use your training in your martial arts and transfer that on to your mind.
i see and hear things to, you get used to it ,your not weak your strong .
take care
use your training in your martial arts and transfer that on to your mind.
i see and hear things to, you get used to it ,your not weak your strong .
take care
Thank you very much for your responses Frame and fallen. Thank you for making things clearer for me when it comes to my fears Frame, it is really appreciated. Thanks for the support.
I am trying my hardest to be strong at the moment but it is impossible with the amount of things going on and the effect they have on me. I don't know what to do. It really stresses me out and causes me a lot of pain.
I don't have anything to live for. My parents are out of the house and I am trying to end it, but I think the survival instincts have kicked in from the stress I am recieving from all this trauma. I can't bring myself to do the only thing I can see which will stop the pain.
I am weak. I am trying to hold on. I don't know what to do.
I am trying my hardest to be strong at the moment but it is impossible with the amount of things going on and the effect they have on me. I don't know what to do. It really stresses me out and causes me a lot of pain.
I don't have anything to live for. My parents are out of the house and I am trying to end it, but I think the survival instincts have kicked in from the stress I am recieving from all this trauma. I can't bring myself to do the only thing I can see which will stop the pain.
I am weak. I am trying to hold on. I don't know what to do.
I hope you won't feel cheated Grey, but I just posted this and I'm not sure I can put it any better for you. Our weaknesses are our strengths. Our gifts are for giving.
Frame wrote:Something might add a sense of purpose; A sense of purpose can sometimes make the pain and confusion seem worthy. (I tend to ramble so stay with me; but there is a radio show called "Fresh Air with Terry Gross", one of the best interviewers I've ever listened to, you can find archives on NPR or WHYY).
So studies have been done on creativity and it's connections to manic depression. And why not; there's an obvious historical connection. Terry Gross interviewed a scientist who has studied the question and he found two things I find most interesting:
First; The best poetry has been written by depressed people. Actually, writers are stereotypically depressed; tell you why in a minute.
Second; anxiety drives drives innovation and the most creative people are stereotypically manic.
So what's my point? Whether we like it or not, are depression is a life process and in terms of achievement it has historically been a tool for achievement as well grumpiness and bad attitudes.
What the scientist found was that because depression sort of traps us into a zone, that poets (playwrights, novelists...) will obsess over each line working and refining ad infinitum until it is the absolute best. "Normal" people don't have the time or compulsion. Anxiety and mania works sort of in reverse, forcing artists to shed their preconceptions of what is correct or proper or appropriate so that, in performing an act of creativity, the anxiety forces us out of the trap, dissolves the trap, so that what ensues is a work of innovation and originality.
So, all I'm really saying is that; both intuitively, historically, and scientifically, this thing we can't seem to get rid of has been a part of the process of great achievements.
_________________
Winston Churchill was a pig headed war-mongering fight-loving Statesman who believed in negotiating as far as you could lob a bomb even though he practiced his speeches (every noun, verb, period and pause) for about an hour per sentence.
He was also a chronic depressive painter (hmm, I wonder what Van Gogh might have done as Prime Minister) who was out of sync with his time so they ignored him. Then he was in perfect sync with his time so they made him Admiral and Prime Minister. Then he was out of sync again and they left him behind.
He struggled with all of this and in the process helped win back the free world from eminent darkness.
I like his remark; “ Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm.”
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Alaska1958
- Posts: 178
- Joined: Sat Jul 06, 2013 11:23 pm
Hi Gray,
I hope you're doing a little better at least. Finding something to live for is quite a challenge. Lately I've been pretty depressed and when I'm alone I go to a very dark place. Often I just stare at pictures on my phone of my family and friends. My boys are pretty happy and I think over and over again that if I really love them as much as I say I do I can't hurt myself . but it's always a struggle. On days when they're here I am still depressed, but I don't go to the very darkest places.
Learning how to put the interests of others above our own can be a great help to us, but it is not something we do naturally. At 55 it is still a struggle for me.
I too started out just not being happy. I tend to think it it is not separate from our depression, but a less severe form of it.
I've always liked that signature piece that Frame uses. Especially that last part that goes something like "life is about going from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm". I also have heard it said that George Washington was a man who never won a battle and never knew he lost one. He still managed to win a war, just by sticking it out through thick and thin. He knew he couldn't beat the English, but he could outlast them. Maybe we are in a similar war.
You are pretty young yet and many people go through periods of depression, but don't stay in them throughout their lives. Don't give up on hope for a happier future.
I'll check back later, try to take care.
I hope you're doing a little better at least. Finding something to live for is quite a challenge. Lately I've been pretty depressed and when I'm alone I go to a very dark place. Often I just stare at pictures on my phone of my family and friends. My boys are pretty happy and I think over and over again that if I really love them as much as I say I do I can't hurt myself . but it's always a struggle. On days when they're here I am still depressed, but I don't go to the very darkest places.
Learning how to put the interests of others above our own can be a great help to us, but it is not something we do naturally. At 55 it is still a struggle for me.
I too started out just not being happy. I tend to think it it is not separate from our depression, but a less severe form of it.
I've always liked that signature piece that Frame uses. Especially that last part that goes something like "life is about going from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm". I also have heard it said that George Washington was a man who never won a battle and never knew he lost one. He still managed to win a war, just by sticking it out through thick and thin. He knew he couldn't beat the English, but he could outlast them. Maybe we are in a similar war.
You are pretty young yet and many people go through periods of depression, but don't stay in them throughout their lives. Don't give up on hope for a happier future.
I'll check back later, try to take care.
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