I'm not very good at talking to people about my feelings and what is going on with my life, so this might end badly. Just a warning, I'm only 14, kind of young I suppose, but here's my story.
I'll try to keep it short and snappy. My mom never listens to me, she pretends to listen but I can tell she doesn't actually listen to any problems/issues I'm having with life. I can tell she picks favorites with my brother and I too, I feel like she makes it obvious. She absolutely loves my brother, he's so bubbly and full of life, always happy and smiling. And I'm the complete opposite apparently, as my mother tells me....I gave up trying to talk to her. I ended up just avoiding her so she won't get me any lower than I am right now.
I hide it from the outside world, and put on a happy face and smile and laugh. I keep all my feelings in the house, trying to keep it away from family too because whenever I talk about it, it never ends well. So I keep it to myself. When I told my best friend she thought I was just looking for attention. Long story short, we got into a fight, friendship ended and I now have no "real" friends anymore. I just stand around one crowd who doesn't really ever pay attention to me.
Well, about suicide I don't want to throw away my life, I've thought about it, I mean REALLY thought about it. But, I want to find out what I was meant to do in life, you know what I mean? But I don't want to live with this...this horrible feeling for the rest of my life. If I only had one wish in this world is to feel real happiness, no sad feelings. I don't want to hate myself.
What's worse, depression has really made me quite skinny, it just takes away my appetite. And I hate it when people mention my weight it makes me feel guilty for not eating and that's bad because my mom tries to make me eat more but I'm just never hungry.
And it begins...
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Hi Mint, thanks for posting.
You are very young to be facing this with noone to talk to or share with, but unfortunately the isolation is something that many of us face, myself included. You have taken a positive step in coming here where there are people who understand how you feel.
There is nothing wrong with being who you are. No one would knock you for not being able to run with a broken leg, and being unable to be happy all the time when you have depression is no different, just much harder for others to see and understand, particularly if they won't make an effort.
Your vicious cycle on not eating is also familiar. I have the other extreme - I eat because I am fed up, have become very overweight and then eat more when people upset me by talking about it.
You are not alone in any of this, and I am sure that you have a lot to look forward to even though it doesn't seem like it right now.
Please keep posting if you can.
You are very young to be facing this with noone to talk to or share with, but unfortunately the isolation is something that many of us face, myself included. You have taken a positive step in coming here where there are people who understand how you feel.
There is nothing wrong with being who you are. No one would knock you for not being able to run with a broken leg, and being unable to be happy all the time when you have depression is no different, just much harder for others to see and understand, particularly if they won't make an effort.
Your vicious cycle on not eating is also familiar. I have the other extreme - I eat because I am fed up, have become very overweight and then eat more when people upset me by talking about it.
You are not alone in any of this, and I am sure that you have a lot to look forward to even though it doesn't seem like it right now.
Please keep posting if you can.
It was nice to read your post, Mint, because it makes it easy to see how a struggling person in a family can get pushed to the edge rather than pulled to the center of the family. A parent is a parent 24/7 and while it's reasonable to expect that siblings get equal amounts of family resources, emotional equity is a tough thing to distribute evenly. A parent only has so much, they have to save some for the rest of the world, and I think it's hard to know who needs what when.
The quite "easy" child doesn't always get what they need. The more complex child may be a puzzle that doesn't get figured out. Sometimes it works out and the rest of the world is there to help. Sometimes not. That's why I've always had a deep held belief that inter-generational and extended families living close by are so important; even if they are increasingly rare.
But, Blah, Blah, Blah...right. None of what I'm saying makes your life any easier, right? Well, maybe a couple things will. I'm 52 and my relationship to my parents has gradually improved since I was on my own (that's not unusual). I've discussed my depression with my parents since I was diagnosed about eight years ago. There will almost certainly come a day when your relationship to your mother will be closer to the way you want it to be; It's unfortunate that it may not happen soon.
My father told me I should look to do thinks each day that bring me joy. And I think this is both essential advice and at times an extreme challenge. Sometimes, doing the things that I normally love just don't give me any boost; and sometimes I look around but can't see any activity that I want to even bother trying. It's good to try, though, to identify things that you like to do and keep them near. Keeping a journal is a tried an true helper for emotional stability.
Your also at the age where nutrition and a constant sleep schedule get difficult. These two things are super important. Note, I didn't say eating enough or sleeping enough; It's attention to getting a balanced diet no matter how little or much; and it's attention to getting in bed at a regular time (sometime impossible) and getting up every day at the same time (often feels impossible but so important).
Hope this doesn't sound like just the ramblings of an old man. It really just clicked when you spoke about unequal sibling treatment. That's a big thorn in my emotional past. Funny thing is, most of my siblings feel that way. I think it's possible there just wasn't enough parent to go around. Maybe we were needy kids or my parents were over burdened. OK I'll stop.
The quite "easy" child doesn't always get what they need. The more complex child may be a puzzle that doesn't get figured out. Sometimes it works out and the rest of the world is there to help. Sometimes not. That's why I've always had a deep held belief that inter-generational and extended families living close by are so important; even if they are increasingly rare.
But, Blah, Blah, Blah...right. None of what I'm saying makes your life any easier, right? Well, maybe a couple things will. I'm 52 and my relationship to my parents has gradually improved since I was on my own (that's not unusual). I've discussed my depression with my parents since I was diagnosed about eight years ago. There will almost certainly come a day when your relationship to your mother will be closer to the way you want it to be; It's unfortunate that it may not happen soon.
My father told me I should look to do thinks each day that bring me joy. And I think this is both essential advice and at times an extreme challenge. Sometimes, doing the things that I normally love just don't give me any boost; and sometimes I look around but can't see any activity that I want to even bother trying. It's good to try, though, to identify things that you like to do and keep them near. Keeping a journal is a tried an true helper for emotional stability.
Your also at the age where nutrition and a constant sleep schedule get difficult. These two things are super important. Note, I didn't say eating enough or sleeping enough; It's attention to getting a balanced diet no matter how little or much; and it's attention to getting in bed at a regular time (sometime impossible) and getting up every day at the same time (often feels impossible but so important).
Hope this doesn't sound like just the ramblings of an old man. It really just clicked when you spoke about unequal sibling treatment. That's a big thorn in my emotional past. Funny thing is, most of my siblings feel that way. I think it's possible there just wasn't enough parent to go around. Maybe we were needy kids or my parents were over burdened. OK I'll stop.
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MintSnowflakes
- Posts: 4
- Joined: Wed Aug 07, 2013 12:09 am
Thanks for taking the time to read my post!
So, reading both of the responses helped me know I wasn't completely crazy with being 14 and trying to cope with this. And Frame, it's good to know our relationship will probably heal in time, after moving out, going to college etc etc.. Thanks again guys it was a joy to read them.
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