Hoping I can find people that can relate.

[Desolate]

I don't know how to talk to people. I don't know how to even describe some of the things I feel and think because they confuse me so much. The panic, loneliness and sadness just creeps up on you and gets worse and worse no matter what you do... I'm fortunate in the fact that I can somewhat cope and function in society because of the way depression and panic attacks affect me. Most people fear the moment and recover from what happens after the fact. I fear the post period of social interaction. I don't know why, but when I'm in the heat of the moment, when everyone else is falling apart, it's the only time when my mind is clear, my decisions precise, and my mind lucid... But when I get home and I'm alone it feels like my chest is caving in and the world just seems dark and hopeless. I obsess about everything I've done and start panicking and just feel immensely lonely. I've never heard of anyone like myself before who only suffers after the fact, but I'm hoping I can find some people here that know what it's like to be alone. I got my own apartment recently and I hate it, more than I've ever hated anything before.I feel so alone here even when my Dad visits to try and help me... Like, I just want to run from people and everything, but at the same time I fear being alone. Contradicting feelings like that give me headaches trying to make sense of them. I hope I can find some long lasting friends that maybe I can actually talk to without putting them off with whatever's flawed in my personality... Ironically even though I'm a mess most of the time, and a wreck that needs help to stop crying, I have no idea how to comfort people in distress. I just look at them while they need my help and struggle to figure out what I can do to stop them from feeling bad. Usually I try and just make things worse, so now I just read people's posts and things a lot and say nothing because I don't want to make things any worse for them.

[Alaska1958]

Hi there Desolate,

I hear you when you say that nothing seems to help, I know it feels that way to me too. I have suffered from depression for many years now. Are you in therapy? If you're not might I suggest that you look for a therapist who can understand your situation. It should also be someone who you can connect and communicate well with.

How long have you been depressed? I'm glad you were able to get a place of your own, but I know for myself that being alone is not healthy for us. I was alone a lot last winter and it was the worst winter of my life. I'm glad you have your dad. Do you have more family nearby and are you close? I have a small family, but we are pretty close (emotionally, not so close physically) and they have really helped me a lot in the last few years.

Are you working? I've posted to several people on this site and some are working, some (like me) used to work but are having trouble keeping up these days and some are on disability.

This can be a good place to talk to others who understand what you are going through. I've only been a member for a month now and I've heard from people in Mexico, England, India, Texas, Wisconsin, New Zealand, all over the globe.

Anyway, welcome to the forum.

[Lady Ectophylla]

Desolate,

I struggled with this all through high school. What I finally had to realize was, that I am a human and like other humans, I have flaws and quirks. I am a person who likes specific things, and no one will ever take that away. I didn't know all of this in high school, and it hurt to be so alone.

I would suggest looking over your flaws, quirks, interests and accept them. Then imagine someone you're talking to, and imagine their own. They're sort of like two interlocking gears and sometimes they just dont fit. I picture this as why certain people can't be friends and some can.

I dont know if this is helpful, but I wanted to try.
Kariah.

[BeautifulDisaster]

I know exactly what you're saying and we're very similar. My psychiatrist says he just cannot believe that I can function, work full time, and take care of my children given all my dx's. (now, I'm not saying I do it well....haha, but I do it and I never give up)
I am 40. In the past maybe 8 years I couldn't WAIT to be alone at night. I way always anxious and counting down until people would be asleep or leave because I just loved to be alone. That completely changed this year and I have no idea why. I actually get upset at work when I see it's time to go. If I am around people I feel so upset knowing when we'll part. And in the evenings, the second my cell phone quiets and nobody is texting back and everyone on facebook is sleeping I am CONSUMED and tortured with lonliness and emptiness. I can sit there staring and thinking of really nothing and realized how much time just passed. I can't even do something as easy and bringing a plate into the kitchen. Every night I start getting anxiety the later it gets.