So, thoughts?

[Lady Ectophylla]

My name is Kariah. I am nineteen years old and live in the United States. I graduated early, and have am able to go to college for free. I am going to college where I study psychology so that I can help children. I am fairly attractive and have never had trouble finding a male companion. I have a stable relationship with my family and get along with my mother. Sounds great right? But I can’t shake my childhood depression and I don’t know why.

When I was in middle school, I was sent to the trinity ward because I told my therapist that if I wasn’t such a coward, I’d kill myself. I had been cutting then, and was at a point where I was starting to scare myself. I made sure to only cut where no one would see on my thigh, right where the pocket of jeans lay, that way I could rub the scabs off in school and have them burn while I ignored the teaching going on around me.
My father left when I was two, and told me that he didn’t take much effort to see me because I reminded him too much of my mother.(She was only 15 when she had me.) I have come to realize that he has left me with a huge hole in my being that screams for approval. I wish he didn’t get to me so much, but it seems he has.

About a year ago I left an extremely emotionally degrading relationship. It left me with night terrors, cold sweats and self-image issues. It too, left me with a sound idea of who I am and what I want out of life. I am a gamer, who likes to read and I love animals and I want to be a mother.
I have friends, but the people who consider me friends I typically consider strangers. Sam, he has helped me since before I got out of the last relationship, but he lives in Canada. Crystal, she’s an ex- girlfriend, (No I don’t mean I was curious once, I mean that we dated and loved and couldn’t work in a relationship so we stayed friends) She’s schizophrenic and has her own issues to deal with.

My typical thoughts are “What is this all worth in the end?”, ” Why should I even bother getting out of bed?”, “I doubt anyone would miss me anyway.”, “ You should start cutting again, at least then you could feel something new.”

But my typical retort is “Look, you havnt cut in years. You need to get yourself together, so what? You don’t want your life? Dedicate it to helping children fix theirs so they don’t end up thinking the same way you do. Have your own life in the end, and create a being that gets to grow up with a better past than you did.”

I have few triggers, but I am alone, and since that is one of them, I figured it was time to reach out no matter how small and try to get someone else’s thoughts.

So, thoughts?

[Alaska1958]

Hi Kariah

My name is Eric and I, and the others who frequent this site, can very much relate to how you are feeling. Getting through my teenage years was certainly a struggle for me. One difference is that when I was 19 my sister had already committed suicide and I had a clear understanding of the pain it causes to the loved ones left behind. When I get really depressed and have trouble seeing the purpose in struggling through another day I think about those close to me and how much their love means to me.

These days I have a ten year old son named George and every time I see him he tells me he loves me. When I have a bad day, which is pretty often, I sit and look at the pictures I keep on my phone, of him and his brother and I cling to them like a shipwreck victim clings to a life preserver.

Do you have a therapist? They might be able to help you cope with the bad days. Being alone makes things worse (I bet you knew that already) unfortunately it's also what a lot of us fall right into. Talk about self reinforcing negative behavior.

I'm glad you're going to college. I hope it works out for you.

I hope we can talk again.

[Frame]

Hi Kariah;

All these questions your asking yourself, I don't think the answers or lack of them are going to make you happy. I think that is a major source of my misery. That said, and being more than twice your age, I think it's possible that some of us were born to ask those questions.

So what does that mean? Well, if asking the questions causes depression, and we intend to keep on asking, then I think it's important to get comfortable dealing with depression. There are things we can do to live a healthy, if not always happy life. Drugs can help us not care about the answers; ECT can help us forget the questions. But most of those things also remove parts of us that can give us joy and help make life worth living.

So you have used cutting to give your life control. It's something you have power over, something you can hide, not be judged by. And you would like to not do that. Am I getting your story straight? What your doing now is an excellent, perhaps superior alternative. Writing in a journal, on this forum, or even as encoded in some form of artwork can give that feeling of control while at the same time allowing you to delve deeper into these pressing questions. Simultaneously you can be asking questions, expressing frustrations, looking for answers, and even contributing helpful advice.

So Welcome Kariah; I have a feeling you have insight we can all learn from. And the choice to write with a pen or keyboard rather than a razor is a sign of wisdom. Thanks for sharing.

[Lady Ectophylla]

Hi Kariah

My name is Eric and I, and the others who frequent this site, can very much relate to how you are feeling. Getting through my teenage years was certainly a struggle for me. One difference is that when I was 19 my sister had already committed suicide and I had a clear understanding of the pain it causes to the loved ones left behind. When I get really depressed and have trouble seeing the purpose in struggling through another day I think about those close to me and how much their love means to me.

These days I have a ten year old son named George and every time I see him he tells me he loves me. When I have a bad day, which is pretty often, I sit and look at the pictures I keep on my phone, of him and his brother and I cling to them like a shipwreck victim clings to a life preserver.

Do you have a therapist? They might be able to help you cope with the bad days. Being alone makes things worse (I bet you knew that already) unfortunately it's also what a lot of us fall right into. Talk about self reinforcing negative behavior.

I'm glad you're going to college. I hope it works out for you.

I hope we can talk again.

Eric
Thank you so much for replying. I honestly didn't expect it. I am very sorry about your sister, though. I know suicide isn't what I want in the end, and that just makes things even harder.
I love that you have sons to look at when you are struggling. I have two kittens and, even though it's not the same thing, I think I got them so that I would have someone small and demanding to look after.

I do not have a therapist, I stopped going after I left Trinity. I had to end up lying to get myself out of there. I felt the whole thing was just making it worse and I begged my mother to take me home. She told me that if I promised to never cut again, and made the doctors believe that I was happy, she would. (Promises mean a lot with the two of us. I have never cut after that and I remind myself of the promise every time I am searching for a blade.)

Right now, I am between semesters, and I think that has a lot to do with my current state.

Thank you for the support.
Kariah

Hi Kariah;

All these questions your asking yourself, I don't think the answers or lack of them are going to make you happy. I think that is a major source of my misery. That said, and being more than twice your age, I think it's possible that some of us were born to ask those questions.

So what does that mean? Well, if asking the questions causes depression, and we intend to keep on asking, then I think it's important to get comfortable dealing with depression. There are things we can do to live a healthy, if not always happy life. Drugs can help us not care about the answers; ECT can help us forget the questions. But most of those things also remove parts of us that can give us joy and help make life worth living.

So you have used cutting to give your life control. It's something you have power over, something you can hide, not be judged by. And you would like to not do that. Am I getting your story straight? What your doing now is an excellent, perhaps superior alternative. Writing in a journal, on this forum, or even as encoded in some form of artwork can give that feeling of control while at the same time allowing you to delve deeper into these pressing questions. Simultaneously you can be asking questions, expressing frustrations, looking for answers, and even contributing helpful advice.

So Welcome Kariah; I have a feeling you have insight we can all learn from. And the choice to write with a pen or keyboard rather than a razor is a sign of wisdom. Thanks for sharing.

I have never had someone to blatantly honest with me before. Thank you. I really enjoy being treated for my maturity level, rather than my age.

"I think it's possible that some of us were born to ask those questions." I believe I joined psychology to study why this is true. Why do some people doom themselves from the start by asking questions that harm them? I am considering drugs, but I really want to try to keep working this out. I am extremely tired of it ruling my life.

Your complements are reassuring, and I thank you for noticing.
Kariah