I'm new. This is my Story

[LazyAnemone]

This is my first time on a forum like this... I'm extremely nervous about this for some reason, but I'd like to get some help...

I'm 18 years old and Female. I've never felt like my depression has ever been valid, considering I'm a teenager. I've always been told I'd grow out of it and that I should grow a thicker skin....

I'm sorry If I sound so pathetic, but heres my story...

I've struggled with depression symptoms as far back as 8 years old. I feel as though the catalyst was my father bringing a new women in my life who was verbally/emotionally abusive towards me from 8-12 years old. I only saw my father bimonthly. She would still take those 4 days out of the month to treat me poorly. When it stopped at 12, after she had her first child, my dad took over. This lasted till I was 15 years old, when I stopped seeing him. I haven't seen or spoken to him in 4 years now.

While this was going on, during the weekends, I had school which was another experience entirely. I was the odd kid. I was quiet and I was different. the general atmosphere of the schools I've been to has always been shallow and mean and I got to experience this first hand... I was alienated, brought in to a friend group and alienated again and again in a endless cycle until highschool ended.

During these cycles, I began to pick up the behavior I perceived around me -- an arraigned, Holier-then-thou, stuck up attitude. Despite having no self esteem, I would trick myself into thinking I was better then everyone else around me because this illusion got me through each day. Because of it, I became a bully.

I remember targeting one girl, who hurt me, so bad that even 2 years after I went after her, she's to fearful to talk around me or to people associated with me. I made sure she was alienated and felt worthless. just like me.

My attitude got worse and worse until my junior year of high school, I decided to spend half my year in home school the following year because it all finally came back to me when I was teased and bullied back to the point were I couldn't take it and ran away from public school.

By the end of that year I had used anti-depression drugs I bought off a girl I knew as well as a bit of weed here and there and I began cutting. I stopped the drugs earlier. The cutting half a year after I stopped the other things.

When I came back, I had no one (except a boyfriend). No friends, no one to talk to. Most people glared at me and even went after my boyfriend. I felt the repercussions for what I had done for a full semester. I knew since the day I stepped on canvas, I deserved every ounce of it.

When I had finally graduated I wasn't happy. During the whole week of my graduation, the fact that no one would remember me and none of my old friends, who now disliked me, would remember the good times and smile.... I would be forgotten...

It is now 3 months after I graduated. I know I have a new opportunity to make up for these wasted years but I've gotten so low I cant even work up the motivation to get out of bed. I know high school is so insignificant and my experience wasn't even that bad compared to other people... but I'm still haunted by it. I dream about it almost every night and think about it and cry about it... I know, im over reacting but the regret has been eating away at me for a really long time now...

I used to have dreams and ambitions and hobbies but now, nothing interests me... I used to love drawing and fashion and gaming but now everything seems grey and worthless.... I don't want to leave the house anymore... Every time I do something I love I just feel angry and sad... I've physically torn up and burned old photos of good times with old friends and I've gone out of my way to avoid things that give me bad feelings or memories.

I don't want to be sad. I want motivation.. I want to do things right... but I cant even leave my bed...

I'm drowning in self pitty and its the most pathetic thing...

I don't know what I expect to come from pouring my heart out here... I just want to know how people have overcome some of these things or maybe some suggestions on how to overcome it... i don't know.

[LazyAnemone]

Just adding this --

I also feel completely lost as to who i am anymore. I feel empty.

[bigron4570]

I found alot of reliefe when i turned to the Lord

[Alaska1958]

You'll find quite a few of us can relate to your situation. Feeling lost, loosing interest in the things that you used to enjoy, feeling unlovable and worthless. These are symptoms of depression. I would suggest you try to get some therapy and, quite possibly, antidepressants. Talk to your doctor or call a local help line or a mental health clinic and find out what your options are.

Talking to people like us is good too. We can understand your situation and you can remain anonymous which helps make it easier to open up.

My own depression started when I was in my teens and my sister committed suicide when she was 17. So there might be a genetic component to it.

Please try to get out and get involved with others. The social interaction can be very helpful. Getting regular exercise is always recommended too. Working is better than not working and volunteering can both help get you up and out plus it adds to a healthier sense of self worth.

College can be good, but I always found it hard to stay focused on my coursework and never did graduate.

Be well and take care of yourself.

[LazyAnemone]

I found alot of reliefe when i turned to the Lord

What releif does religion offer for you?

I was raised catholic but never really grasped it. I never payed any sort of religion any mind in my life so im curious

[Frame]

I think the catholic church focuses on structure, Anemone; rules, discipline, tithing, confession, mass, fasting. This is not necessarily so in other religions, even christian one's. But there is a common thread even in the history of catholicism, which the catholic church seems to increasingly ignore, and that's meditation. There are two basic types of meditation and all great persons in catholic history have promoted and made use of them.

Prayer, simply enough is a form of mediation. But you don't have to get caught up in the words. The act of meditation in all it's manifestations coupled with given up your life (your troubles, your pain, your defects, even your joys and triumphs) to a higher being can be very empowering. But that's not how it usually begins. It begins by learning the motions of meditation; practicing. For that you can use any good manual on meditation. And the daily discipline really does work.

[Frame]

Beyond that, Christianity (not Catholicism although I was raised very Catholic) is a template I use that gives me some form of structure. It often doesn't seem to fit the life I lead very well; yet it remains something I can turn to when difficult questions arise regarding how to live my life.

It's such an important part of my parents life and that gives me a way in to relating to them. Funny thing is, the longer I live, the ridiculous the whole New Testament thing seems and the only Christians I see do well are those who break the rules and go to confession every week (some don't bother to do that). Personally I could never grow to trust those priests.

[bigron4570]

What releif does religion offer for you?

For me there is no one religion that i feel anybody has to follow be it catholic,baptist,methodist,or any other but with ME i found a personal realashonship with Jesus Christ is were i found my comfort.This is my feelings and i know after i gave my life to Jesus Christ i have found more comfort and peace in my life then i have ever found with any kind of doctors or drugs or therapy.I know he loves us all very much and he wants to help us if we trust in him for all things

[fallen]

what you did in the past is just that, the past.
you are defined by what you do now, everyone can change thier lives any time we want, we do not because of all kinds of reasons.
my advise is to inject discipline into your life ,get up early have breakfast at a certain time go for a walk in nature , do random acts of kindness, you are not worthless ,none of us are. we are all worthy of walking this earth.
get out there and make the most of life ,even if you have days you do not want to.
take care

[Frame]

Uplifting advice fallen. I can't say whether it helped Anemone, but it helped me just now.