depressed, can't get out of it

[yuckysalad]

hi everyone. It seems that everything around just goes badly and it has finally caught up with me emotionally. I'm a 19years old girl and i've always been cast as the failure if its in school, uni or in my family. My brothers and sisters are all very smart but I really struggled in school. My friends, not that i had many, use to ask me what grade I had in a test so they can feel better about their own. I quit my first year of uni because it was too hard and i didn't enjoy it and my parents told me they were disappointed with me which really hurt. We never really got along, my mum calls me fat all the time which I'm not, I weight 60kg but most of it is muscle, I'm a competitive swimmer. She makes me feel really insecure about myself. I had my first boyfriend at 17 and the first time i kissed a boy i was 15. So I started to think my mum was right, no one wants me. Recently I had a boyfriend for 7months and I loved him so much, we recently broke up because we were moving to different parts of England and long distance doesn't work but we still talked a lot. Today he accused me of cheating on him on multiple occasions which is a complete lie. He says he believes me but he wants to stop talking for a few weeks. I know he doesn't believe me.
I've been depressed for a few months now, every time I get a little bit better something brings me back to reality. I've had multiple panic attacks and I have no more appetite, I only eat 2 very small meals a day and every time I do eat I throw up, not intentionally and I have a lot of trouble to fall asleep.
I really need to talk to someone, but my friends aren't really friends and i don't get along with my parents. Can someone help me?

[4EverMe]

Hi yuckysalad, (hate to type that)
Im fairly new here myself. Few weeks? Just read your post and I am SO sorry you have no one you can really talk to! Uh, you do now!! Have been there myself. You feel VERY alone, depressed, feeling like you've dropped into a downward spiral you can't climb up from? And no one there to just hear you out? Feeling judged but in no way supported? Panic attacks?! Those feel terrible...I know.
Don't believe the lie that because things are sh** right now, that life will always be hopeless!! Life? It changes like a revolving door. You WILL get through this. You just need a friend--not stupid criticism when you're feeling your worst. I'm sorry people can be so callous and uncaring. You don't need this right now. It's hard for me to express myself because I have a pissed off reaction to the way others are treating you. Feel free to PM me. I'm here.

[Alaska1958]

Hi there, so sorry to hear of your troubles. I know it's not the kind of thing that is easy to talk to your parents about. I had a decent relationship with my folks, but never told my dad about my depression and have only recently said anything about it to my mom. I hope you can keep up with the swimming as it should offer some help. Having trouble with school certainly strikes a cord with me. I struggled through high school and every time I tried to take college classes I would go through the same scenario. I'd do real well for about 6 weeks and get high grades, then I'd have more and more trouble staying focused and by the end of class I'd maybe get a C grade. My best year was when I was 24. I started bicycling a lot in the summer and walked in the winter. I went from weighing 325 pounds to 225, I got straight A's in my classes and felt free of my depression for the first time in years.

Try to find some new friends that you can talk to. The friends and family that I have kept close (and have kept me close) have been a great comfort to me over the last year. I've even used Craigslist to make some new friends with.

Good luck and remember that you are loved. It may not feel like it, but I. I'm sure you are.

[Alaska1958]

I want to explain that last bit in my previous post. It's not just because I'm sure your family loves you, you see when I was eleven my seventeen year old sister killed herself. Her boyfriend had recently broken up with her and it hurt her terribly. The thing I took away from that experience was how much it hurt everyone around her. We are a pretty small family and not apt to show our feelings, but the pain of that time was clear even to a very self involved little boy.

Anyway, from around the opposite side of the globe, I send you thoughts of love and happiness.

[yuckysalad]

It's nice to see that other people are in the same boat as I am and that I can talk to someone. Where I am from, people aren't usually depressed or at least they don't talk about it because it could "embarrass" them. My family is pretty posh therefore everyone around me is and I feel like a out cast. I hate being posh, I hate the way my family and everyone around me looks down at people who are different. I recently got a tattoo and it nearly gave my parents a heart attack and my siblings criticize it any chance they get. Sometimes I think I'm adopted because I am so different, sadly I'm not. That's why I can't talk to anyone, no one can understand, they're all stuck in their "little rich kid bubble". All I can talk to them about is my break up the rest I can't, they just won't get it.
I managed to get into another uni and do another course. There, people are usually more understanding and are easier to talk to because they won't look down on me. Hopefully I'll be able to make some real friends that I will be able to keep forever and who will help me get through this.

[scrabble]

Hello.


Glad you are giving uni another go. Keep trying to get up again when you get knocked down.

Unfortunately, other people, often including those we are closest to, can be awful to us sometimes. I can certainly relate to feeling different from those around me - I even wonder if I am on the right planet sometimes.

I'm in England too, and I know that in this country at least there is still a huge stigam around depression and mental illness. People can cope with a broken leg because they can see it, understand it and know how it can be treated to get better. Unfortunately, depression cannot be seen, only the effects, and it is much easier for others to dismiss it and tell you to just pull yourself together, which is just not helpful, because we would if we could!

You have done nothing wrong, you are not alone and you will get through this.

Please post some more if and when you can.

[4EverMe]

Hello "yuckysalad,"
I'm happy for you, that things are beginning to improve! Hopefully your new friends you're startin to hang with are more loving and positive.

It's a good thing you found this sight. Also, I'm glad you don't bottle everything up inside!

Keep us informed on how life's treating you.

[yuckysalad]

I usually do keep all my feelings to myself which is probably why I'm depressed and having panic attacks now, everything is surfacing.
Everyone around me is telling me that it's a good thing that I'm going back to uni but the thing is I don't want to. I never wanted to go to uni in the first place, my parents pressured me into it. When I quit i decided to look for a job instead but no one would take me and after months of searching i had to face reality so now I'm going back. I really want to finish this time but i've never been academic and im sure im going to fail again.
What i actually want is to join the british army. At least there I would feel like i belong somewhere, that I am needed. But sadly it takes 6 months to process your application and as I'm not british it will take another 6months to get the nationality. I could make my life easier and join the french army (im originally french) but i just hate the people there. The only thing i like about france is the food and nothing else. Everyone is stuck up and narrow minded. Some of you might think it's not true but trust me, I went to a french school and i go to france every single holiday, my family is the frenchess one you will ever find. Take my word for it.
When i told my family about that, it was the first time i saw they were worried and scared for me. It felt awesome. Usually they just moan at me, i can never do anything right but having them be concerned for me was amazing and now all i want to do is go so that at least i can get some kind of love from them which isn't disapproval. But as it will at least take a year I needed to give the uni idea another go. I will try really hard but i always sucked at education, can't make any promises.

[yuckysalad]

and i also want to say thank you to all of you to take a little time out of your lives to talk to me. I want you all to know how grateful i am. I never knew people could be so kind, especially strangers

[Pilule]

Maybe you can take only a few courses not to get overwhelmed with all the work.

[4EverMe]

Hi Salad,
I'm sorry it took so long to get back to you again! I'm still learning the in-n-outs of this forum! I now just found again where your post is, and it's not in the New Member Intro's where I typically post/answer posts.

You mentioned joining the Army in France. Which country are you in now, if you don't mind my asking?

I'm glad you're giving school another try. Being twice your age, I look back and wish I'd stayed. I TRULY do believe you can do this! As a matter of fact, I will add you to my 'prayer list.' ttyl