Could Use Some Help or Advice.

[Smellowvision]

Hey there, I'm 19 going on 20 years old. I've noticed that the past few years of life, i've been feeling down, and progressively getting worse. Seeing that i just graduated and gotten my Associates Degree in Architectural Drafting, i should be happy right? Not necessarily. I thought graduating high school would have been a big accomplishment, but it didn't feel like anything at all. Just felt like another day. I feel like im losing interest in everything that i do. While i was in high school, i loved playing piano and guitar. But that passion slowly faded away, and now can barely play either of those instruments for more than 5 minutes. I also used to enjoy card games and video games, but now slowly losing interest in those as well. I've noticed that also been getting angered and irritated more easily than i used to. I enjoy the things i love less and less every day.

I also don't feel anything anymore (emotion wise). I don't feel bad when my mother cries for me, and don't feel like i care when my family tries to talk with me. I also feel as if i dont have a relationship with my friends. Most of my friends were friends with my other siblings, so i only have a few friends that i actually made myself. I feel like i just mirror what the people around me are doing, and get along that way. I feel like as if i dont have a real personality.

I also have a hard time remembering almost anything now, and also having trouble remembering what happened in the past 6 years of my life. I think im depressed, but not sure at all. I cant afford to see a doctor either, seeing that im out of school, and dont have a job. All i do is just sit in my room, and think, and think, and think.... how am i supposed to feel? All i can think about is negative thoughts about life, and how i cant do anything correctly. It feels like when my family is talking to me, they're insulting me or purposely trying to aggravate me. They talk in a tone as if they were talking to a puppy that has done something wrong.

I think the worst that has happened would have happened this week. My brother, mother, and my brothers girlfriend all got dogs a few months ago, and thought it would be a good idea for them to get one while i was at home, looking for a job. This ordeal has made me very frustrated the past week, and i ended up yelling at them through facebook, and my sister came over to tell me about a job and asked me for some information. Seeing that i was already aggravated after i gave her my info, she keep harassing me and trying to get me to say what was wrong. I told her to leave me alone for a good 5 minutes, but she never left. Maybe after 20 minutes, she finally left me alone, saying "Your so Disrespectful, you have no respect at all. What the **** happened to you?" Being angry enough, i remained quiet until she left to go home. I then punched 3 holes into the wall in my room, left the house and walked around for about an hour, thinking that it would help me calm down, but it didnt. She then tried to apologize today, through facebook, and i replied, "sorry isnt going to fix my wall", seeing that im still angry up to today.

Im thinking that i should probably go see a doctor now, seeing that this has been happening for the past few years. I kept telling my family that i think i was depressed, but they all said it was in my head, and im just a moody person. Are they right? or am i and have been depressed for 6 years?

[Frame]

Hi Smellowvision;

A few comments:

20 years old is a perfectly reasonable time to be having these sort of feelings, not that anyone wants to anytime, but your not so abnormal and your not alone. This is a good place to talk about your struggles. We're glad your here. Having terrific frustrations with your family is part of having a family at all.

Punching holes in walls is not so much a sign of depression as a sign of desperation. I have issues with western medicine but to put you into a pigeon hole I think bipolar might be a better fit. That way you can be manic and depressed.

Losing interest in things you used to love can be a sign of depression, but depression also has an evolutionary function; it is a survival mechanism. I'm no doctor but I know from experience sometimes (OK very often) I'm ready to move on from where I am before I'm ready to move on TO something new. That is, like you, I loose interest in things I love before I find something to replace them. And I'm left in a sort of no mans land. Kind of where I am now.

So, I can understand if your feeling stuck. Is that perhaps part of the frustration your feeling toward your family?