I wish I could smile

[klmm]

My story, where does it begin, back in high school???? as a young adult???? I guess it begins with my father, who never really loved me like he loved my sister. I have never felt worthy or worth anything. I thought as an adult, well, I'll get my MA and dad will be proud...he didn't even come to my graduation....he went to my sisters, she got her PhD.

I was prettier than my sister, she hated me for that, I had the brains, but no one saw past my face. I don't think anyone ever took me seriously.

I did not have a lot of friends, women did not like me, men just wanted to get into my pants, I did not have a lot of trust in men.

I married late, almost 33 when I got married, and we were happy. I felt accepted, loved, wanted and secure. Two years after we were married, I had my son, and, everything changed.

The baby became the center of my world, my husband took a back seat. I tried, but I was working full-time, he was never home and I had most of the "duty" so by the time he got home, I was soooo bone tired I really did not have time or energy for sex.

We were married 12 years when my mother got sick. I had gone for a full-time professorship and they gave it to a guy with less seniority than me at the college. I quit and we moved 800 miles away to be with my mother who, it turns out, had alzheimers. My husband continued to work 800 miles away and come home on the weekends. I grew increasingly discontented, burdened and unhappy. With out any support, my mom got sicker and sicker and I had to take care of everything.

I turned to gambling in a casino to fill my empty hours and bring some (what I thought) was stress release.

When my husband found out, he divorced me after 20 years of marriage. Did not try to find out what was wrong or why, he basically hated me. He also began picking on our son, told him he was useless and and asshole (son was 16 at the time)

When divorce was finalized, I was not really sad, just glad to be starting over and my son and I moved to North Carolina. I couldn't find work, was collecting unemployment and working when I could. I started running out of money, things were tight. My mother died and that was sad, but, she did not know me at the end, so I was happy she did not have to suffer anymore. When my mother died, my sister accused me of stealing my mother's money because she wasn't included in the decisions, mom made me her POA and did not include my sister. She filed a complaint with Adult Protected Services and I had to spend three months fighting it and proving I did nothing wrong. My mother was sick for 6 years and the money goes fast, even after selling her house. Her care cost 5,000 a month! I got through that, but, it saddened and angered me...a lot!

I finally got a full-time job and you think I would be happy, but, I had to move away from my son and I don't have any friends. Unemployment in California stated I had lied about my unemployed status and charged me for two years of unemployment. I could not hire a lawyer (I am a teacher and work in a district that receives the lowest pay in the state) so I owe the state 500 a month, I have no money and my house was broken into 3 times and all my mother's and grandmother's jewelry was stolen. The third time the guy climbed through the window while I was sitting on the couch. The landlord refused to put latches on the windows until I threatened to sue.

I now have to move, again, I have moved every year since 2010, twice in 2010 and I had to put my dog to sleep last Monday, I have no friends, I don't know where to go to make friends, I am broke, and some days I wish I would not wake up.

Is it back luck or karma??? I don't know, but I do know that at my age, I did not expect to be alone, poor and sad. All i do is watch tv and go online. I think if it weren't for the internet, I would have checked out a while ago.

Thanks for listening.

[Frame]

Well then, three cheers for he internet.
Thanks klmm, for posting; you give me strength.
I'm sorry about your dog, not just that but, only a week ; it must hurt.
Life is definitely harder. Your proving that. I could give my story, lot's of broken pieces; but I wanted to say your not alone. I hope and pray that you you'll be able to stop moving and perhaps send out some roots.

Of course, as you implied, the internet is good for portable roots. You might finds a few souls here you can share with. As I read the posts I realize some of us have been contributing for some time.

Your not alone here.
Welcome.

Oh. and P.S.
I'm broke, alone, and often sad also.
I think it's going around.

[LadySith]

klmm it is very sad what has happened to you For both my parents I was worthless to them growing up and my dad favored my sister and mom favored my brother and the sad part is that I was my father's only real daughter and he never really paid attention to me neither of my parents did and well I've been struggling with a relationship that I was in which has gotten worse every day. But know this you are not alone

[klmm]

I just don't feel like I can get ahead, emotionally, physically, financially. I am actually worth more dead than alive but there is a suicide clause in my life insurance policy for two years, and, I don't think I could put my son through that.

I feel badly that I cannot help him financially, he is in college and working, not that that will kill him, I just wish I could get him the things he needs, new computer, new car, I feel like I failed him even though I was there for him in his emotional needs.

I can't even afford to go to a doctor, I know I should, but I don't have the money. None of my acquaintances understand, they are married, have their children near them, they believe in God, go to church, all that happy crappy stuff that I cannot listen to anymore.

I am trying to get a foot hold financially, but, I have to rent and I have to live in a safe neighborhood since I am a woman living alone, so that means money....