I just need to talk about it (triggering material)

[scorpio11]

Hi, I'm an 18 year old girl and I'm currently in the middle of my final A level exams and I feel like everything is just piling on top of me. Hopefully just speaking about what's bothering me will help.

When I was 15 I was sexually assaulted by a stranger. This is the worst thing that has happened in my life and has changed me as a person forever. Without wanting to go into detail of what happened, I will say my case was taken to court where my attacker got off on a not guilty verdict due to lack of evidence. The 'anniversary' shall I say of this attack has just passed and it's really bothering me. I'm finding it hard to sleep and during my hours when I'm awake I find it hard to want to do anything. I feel small and weak.

My Nana died in March of this year and she was the first grandparent I've lost. I was very close to her and it was very unexpected so I found it very hard to understand and accept. Without even having the time to mourn and move on from my Nana's death, my Grandad died in April. Although he was slowly deteriorating from cancer and would have likely died within the next couple of years, this death came as a shock to me too. He died from hemorrhaging after falling in his house. I don't know how to cope with what has happened. I feel it everyday like something is missing. I have dealt with death in my past but never 2 people at the same time that I was so close to.

I made myself sick tonight after my dinner. I can't even explain why I just felt like it was necessary. I feel better of it now but I'm promising to myself not to do it again.

I'm sorry this is quite long but it's all off my chest for now and that's a start

[hollyann]

Hi. You are very brave for sharing your story here. And I hope it does help you to talk here.

I'm sorry you were sexually assaulted by a stranger. And it has to be harder knowing he got off and is still out there. I'm sorry your attacker got off from lack of evidence. Have you received any counseling for this? Are you on medication? Something like this does change a person. And it can be hard for that change not to be a negative way. But there are ways that it can change us in positive ways. It can make for more compassion and understanding to others who have gone through similar. And help to give them courage.

I'm very sorry for your loss of your grandparents. It can be very hard to lose people, and increasingly so when the deaths are so close together. I lost my grandma when I was 13, and a day later I lost my uncle (had a double funeral) Even when its expected it can be hard and leave a hole. You should look into grief counseling if you haven't already. It can help with learning to cope with it, and help you to accept it.

Sorry you made yourself sick. I'm glad that you are promising yourself not to do it again. Its not something you want to get started if you can avoid it.

You are very brave for sharing here.

hollyann

[Libra 87]

Hello huni. I just want to give you a big hug. Been assaulted must be a terrible thing to deal with. I'm not really sure what to say to that if I'm honest. It must haunt you and it's not something you can just forget.. I know you didn't get your justice but I am a big believer in karma and what goes around comes around. He will get his share of bad times. Have you tried therapy?? .. Also I lost my nan in 2011 and found that hard.. It hasn't been that long since your grandparents passed so your still gonna be in that disbelief frame of mind and if I'm honest it does take time. Grief has different stages.. But you just need to remember the good times you had and try and hold your head up high as hard as that is I know.. Death does silly things to us and to be honest it's a big change. Keep your mind busy huni.. Go to the gym, out with friends etc.. It's a struggle but it needs to be done.. Time is a healer and you will start to find peace within yourself.. If you ever want a chat feel free to PM me.. Take care Hun n chin up xxxx

[scorpio11]

Thankyou both so much for your kind words. I'm currently not going to any counselling or on any medication, I've just been trying to deal with it myself. It doesn't seem to be working too well anymore so I'm starting with small things such as posting my story here and I will see how I go as to whether I need to seek out some professional help. I like to believe in karma too and I really hope he does get what he deserves. I'll try and get out and socialize a lot more, keep myself occupied and hopefully I will start to feel better. Again, thankyou both for your advice and care, it means a lot to me

[CourtneyDawn]

Hey you...

I swear to the higher power that we are one and the same person. When I was 14 I was also sexually assaulted (brutally). I didn't think I was going to survive the night. I knew my attacker, and it makes me sick because he lives in the town that my brother lives in. I can't even visit my own brother without the panic and worry about bumping into the attacker. My case too, was thrown out of court due to lack of evidence. He washed all the bedding, his clothes and anything he could get his hands on to destroy it. Unfortunately, I didn't leave any bite marks to prove anything. I wish I did because that would have changed everything.

June 5th is my "anniversary" of the attack -- and every year at this time I am upset, tense, sad, but -- hopeful, grateful I am alive, also strangely coming to terms with it as its made me into the person I am today. Its funny, even after 8 years after it happened, I still remember it all. I want to be able to forget about it and move on with my life because its so long ago, but yet I fear that if I let myself move on and forget, that that means that It "didnt happen" or it "wasnt real". Such an odd feeling. Its like I want to remember everything so I know in my mind that it was real. Right now it just feels like a really bad dream that I can never forget.

I received counseling for the most part because I was at high risk for suicide after the attack. Unfortunately they weren't able to talk about the details of my assault because they didn't want to testify in court. So they skirted around the problem, but they did help me cope in every day life after wards. I was put on some sort of medicine to help me with my depression, but I dont think that ever lasted past a few months.

Ive been dealing with depression since then, and I have some good years, and some bad. It seems to just come and go as it pleases. But, at the time at which I should be over the moon excited for my life... I just feel "Blah" -- empty, serious, numb, malaise. I am mad at myself for feeling this way, but I know its a physical illness I have and I need to give myself a little more slack.

I hope that we can continue to chat and become online friends -- everyone needs a friend no matter what their walks of life are.