I know this is cliché...but I feel alone..

[RubyG]

Okay.. So I joined this forum a little while back but never really tried getting into it.. Tonight is just one of "those" nights caused by one of "those" days(which happens very often with me) where everything seems wrong, where you are reminded of all the pain and hurt in your life some way or the other and just having to deal with it alone because anybody is hardly here... So tonight I just decided I guess it's time to try this..maybe it helps..maybe it doesn't..but one way or the other at least I tried it..

I know it's cliché..and I guess compared to other my life doesn't seem so bad.. But I guess let's just try to tell you little about my life..

I had a wonderful childhood, my family was an incredibly happy one, we did so much together and almost all my childhood memories are happy ones, but when I turned 14 everything changed suddenly.. In a matter of 2 years everything changed..my parents ended up getting divorced during my final exams when I was 16.. Suddenly we had nothing, we didn't have a house, struggled financially so badly for a very long time.. My friends started pushing me aside because I couldn't be a good enough supportive friend to them.. After that I just never could trust any of "friends" with my feeling again, nobody was there when I needed them the most.. I coped well for a long while tho, distanced myself well enough to not go down and manage in life with things and not feel much.. Learned not to depend on others or need to tell them my problems, and soon realized only times my "friends" wanted to spend time with me is when they need to complain about something or need a shoulder cry one..and I was that for them. Sucked up my things to be what they need eventually..

Then I met my first true love.. For a long while things was so good and I was really happy in life again, but in my final year of high-school I went for 2 weeks overseas on a school trip and when I got back things just wasn't the same again. He pushed me aside and always had excuses for us not to visit..so in the end it was so bad I had to dump him over the phone with a message.. 'Till this day I don't know what happened with him that caused him to be so.. Didn't seem to bug him much tho, shortly after he was in a new relationship. But anyway, after him I took a downwards tumble in life, exams got to me, my parents divorce got to me, my circumstances got to me, being alone got to me, my ex got to me and I ended up barely being able to get out of bed in the mornings. Some mornings I even got so nauseous from stress...

Finally I started seeing a therapist, that eventually said I might need anti-depressants (my family all has this negative view of it so imagine how I felt at that moment), I chickened out on seeing the psychiatrist and my therapist after that.. For another year after school I struggled on, named it a "gap year" tho it was just more time where I hit my sadness from the world. Tried working but eventually end up cracking over some or the other reason.. I want to go study, my grades are good enough to go to university..but just dunno what to do..

I don't know who I am anymore, I don't know what I like or don't.. I can't cope anymore.. Tried therapy for a second time again but again chickened out.. Everything is just getting harder by the day, I cry almost every day.. I feel alone, and from previous experience it just feels like if I show how hurt I am the last few people in my life will push me away also.. I don't wanna be alone anymore I want to be happy.. I want to lead a good life.. But life just seems too dull now.. Seems like there is no happiness and will never be.. don't know what there is to live for anymore..

[fallen]

my advise is if your grades are good enough go to university, because you have said you want to study, and it will give you structure in your life, something to aim for,it's an environment that you in your heart want to be in.
it will also give you time to work out what you want in life, whilst doing something that you will enjoy.
you are at the beginning of life, and it sounds to me you have a lot going for you. do not think to much about life, just go with the flow, it's a lot easier.
the past does not define us it is what we are in the moment.
take care of yourself.

[Libra 87]

Hey. I find your story interesting as that's how I have felt. My nan died 2 years ago and last year my ex hurt me bad. The last year has been a major struggle.. I'm going to tell you what iv myself. .. " it's not about perfect, it's about effort and when you implement that effort into your life.. Every single day, that's where transformation happens. That's how change occurs.. Keep going and remember why you started ... Iv been where you have huni. Not wanting to get up but you need to tell your self , yano what I'm gonna get up and I'm gonna be somebody and make something of my life.. I recently started a chiropodist course and at first ad no motivation but I tell myself , if I don't get my head down and make something f myself ill never feel better .. You grab the opportunities life throws at you Hun rater then live with regrets. If your have the grades to go to uni, take that chance. Your still only young and have the best chances of life now. Same as me I'm 25 and now is my time to do something with life to make my future brighter and more promising. I knw it's hard not to dwell on the past as I struggle with this too. But life changes and its all about accepting what life throws at you. If you would like a chat on private message feel free. But chin up Hun xx