please read, i'm new and need advice.

[toffeepontan]

I feel like noone in my life understands how i feel. I was diagnosed with depression when i was 16 years old and i am now 19. i thought i had a cold because i looked sick, i felt sick and i lost my appetite but when i went to the GP she said "you have depression". i was shocked but i went home and immediately told my mum. She dismissed the idea straight away and since then i never brought it up again. This type of thing happened before in my life. An "uncle" of mine who is still very close to the family sexually abused me from when i was 9 up until i was about 11 years old. i told my mum but she once again completely dismissed the idea and kept him in our lives. I just proceeded to suffer in silence because I was scared to cause trouble within my family. That experience in my life has deeply effected the way i look at men and i truly believe i will never be happy. i cannot think about one thing that i love about myself because i don't love myself. i feel like i'm being punished in my life but i have no idea why. There was a point in time where i cried multiple times every single day without fail. i would stay in my room and lock my door with some tissues. When i was in college it was extremely hard for me to go to lessons. i woke up and i felt like i literally couldn't face the day. the feeling was indescribable and my attendance was very low. everyone thought that I just messed about with my education but there was really a good reason for me to not be there. I've never really been big on friends but i have one friend who I am very close to and she also because depressed, however, her form of depression was that she was sad whenever there was a boy involved. so when i opened up to her and said something like "i don't want to live anymore", she would curse me and tell me that people go through worse things in the world. i can't lie, that IS true but i cant help the way i feel. My old teacher thought i was bipolar because although i have depression i am a very angry person and i do have a dangerous amount of anger in me. i didn't ever get that checked out but its hard to believe someone that is as mentally weak as me can be so damn angry. I also have so many issues with men in my life. I feel like i cannot trust one man in my life EVER. i NEVER see that happening. i want to have a family in the future but i dont see is ever happening. I just can never put my guard down. i don't love myself, i never will. i will never be pretty enough for anyone so why try? i grew up to people telling my sister how gorgeous she is but when it comes to me - silence. This may sound so stupid to you guys but one of my biggest issues is that i have a lisp because my jaw grew in the wrong place. i have zero confidence but i really did wish i had confidence. it makes me feel so ugly and i generally do feel like god hates me because i dont understand why he couldnt just make me like how he made other normal people. all i want is to be able to feel my teeth touch, speak without being seen as an unatractive black monkey and to be able to smile. i always used to pray for some supernatural being to just cast a spell on me and give me just that, but then i realised that prayer doesnt work. i just feel like my life isnt worth living and its coming to an end soon.

[mistystarshine]

Wow. That's horrible. I'm 7 years younger than you, so I might not have much advice.....

You are a good person. You might not think so, but you're beautiful. Being ugly on the outside doesn't matter. What's on the inside is the most important. And even though you might be a beast on the outside, I can tell that you're a very nice and kind person. You can talk with your friend if you need a mood booster; it's what I do. I hope your depression gets better, and I'm sorry about your uncle and mother. I also apologize if my advice wasn't very good.

[akahachi]

I don't know if this helps, but I believe you. You are suffering from depression- it is not your fault, there is nothing wrong with you, you are just unwell.

I strongly recommend getting help. Talk to your doctor and do this for you, regardless of what anyone else thinks. The doctor will know and I believe you. 100%. I have all those feelings too although there was no cause for my depression, I so sorry for you for what happened to you and I am sorry that your mother won't believe you. She probably just doesn't want to accept that you are unwell and that it might be her fault.

As for trusting men, I really think talking through your issues will help you. I can't really imagine the suffering you must have been through so I don't want to go bossing you around but I hope that you can trust again and see that most men aren't like that.

Thinking of you x