So since I was eleven years old I have had somewhat of an attachment issue. When I was eleven I started having feelings for girls which was a huge no no in my home because we we're very religious. Well the girl that I had feelings for became my best friend we did everything together and then suddenly one day she decided she didn't want to be my friend anymore haven't talked since. I was devastated I didn't know an 11 year old could be so crushed. Anyway a couple years later I got another best friend started having feelings for her same thing happened. We got really close and all I wanted was to be around her and no one else. Everything I did, even thought about was related to her. She was everything to me. However I wasn't to her, and she got overwhelmed and stopped being my friend. I was devastated again, even went through a period of wanting to kill myself and just couldn't bounce back from that, until I met someone else whom I also caught feelings for and also smothered and overwhelmed. Now I am 26 and this cycle has not ended. In 15 years I have had 5 people who started out as just friends who I developed feelings for and became very very attached. No matter what I did I could not pull myself away, and whats worse is that 3 of the girls were straight. Now at 26 I have a really really great friend who I have had for about 7 years now who has been here with me through this cycle that I have recently within the passed year become attached to. I don't know how or why I keep getting so attached to people but I do and then I smother them and lose them. But I don't want to lose this one. And honestly the attachment issue is only the start of my problems. Along with the attachment comes jealousy, self hate, depression. I want all of her attention and when someone else gets it I'm jealous and because she doesn't reciprocate my feelings I start thinking I'm less than and that there is something wrong with me, then I become very depressed, and moody, and angry, and start hating myself. This has been going on for 15 years. 15! I just don't know what to do anymore and I keep losing people from my life because I can't get control of my feelings and emotions and thoughts. It's just becoming too much and I feel like giving up. And anyone I talk to just doesn't understand because it doesn't make sense. I just need help. I want to break this cycle and love myself more and enjoy my life. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I just don't know what to do.
