I want help, but I don't deserve it.

[Blue Rose]

I'm about to finish my first year in college and I'm emotionally traumatized.

Last summer my friend was murdered. Two days later, the same person put my ex-girlfriend into a coma by running her off the road. I tried telling the police this, but they had already closed the case. Since she was high, they assumed it was a clear-cut DUI case, but she was only behind the wheel because she was running for her life!

What hurts the most is that the last thing I said to her was that she was "an out of control tornado of emotions and daddy issues".

If that wasn't enough, I preceded to go into a downward spiral. I got arrested. My girlfriend at the time cheated on me and I ran away from home. I tried to talk to people about it, but they all give me the same empty words: "It'll get better!" "You'll be OK!" "What you're feeling is only temporary!" "Everything will get better in college!"... but none of it was true! It has been a year and I still feel just as horrible! Even to this day, I have trouble focusing. I can't connect with anybody socially because I know that if I am happy, that is when something horrible will happen.

I am paranoid. I feel like someone is always watching or following me.

My fantasies of violence are getting more frequent. It has come to the point where I can not walk down the street without imagining snapping the neck of that jogger who just ran by, or gouging the eyes of those two frat bros. The scary thing is that, although I am not a big person, I've had so much advanced martial arts training that if I were to snap, I could really hurt someone.

I know how this sounds. It sounds like I'm a psychopath. Maybe I am.

All my life I have been told that I will be successful: "Oh your so smart!" "You really know how to lead and to motivate people!" "You should be a CEO!"... but how successful could I be if people really knew what was going on?

I would be labelled as a freak. Ostracized by my peers for not thinking correctly. The post-Sandy-Hook culture would want me out of their schools. This is why I could never get help. This is why I deserve it.

I hurt myself sometimes. I hit myself in certain nerve-clusters that immobilize me temporarily while my nervous system sends pain signals throughout my body. This way, there are no marks.

No one can know.

I think about suicide a lot. I don't think I'll ever do it though. I've felt the pain of losing people, and I wouldn't want to inflict that pain on anybody else. I've caused enough already. This is just another way that I am trapped.

That's why I'm writing this. So that if you are reading this, hopefully you'll understand. A lot of people would try to help only because of some vague moral obligation, but their help is half-hearted. They will only go out of their way as long as it doesn't inconvenience them. All I want is for someone to understand, but even that is a fantasy in vain.

Yours truly,
A Silent Sufferer
An Anonymous Prisoner.

[sbw]

Hey. You may be going through some post traumatic stress disorder. I did in my twenties. Thoughts of violence happen. If you have been involved in violence that inflicted a lot of pain on you, involved being people you lost to violence, it is natural I think to have those types of thoughts. I did. I'm a great person, I wouldn't hurt a bug, but the violent thoughts happened for years. Also, I just to feel fear about being ambushed so to speak, violently, everywhere I went. Medicine helped my fears a great deal. counseling has helped to. I always suggest those because they have helped me. I waited way too many years without medicine, and the relief I have now is huge. Harming anyone including yourself is just not a good idea, of course. Kindness is most important, very important in our world. You can do it. Get yourself some help. Talk to a counselor and maybe a psychiatrist. You have had to deal with violence, and loss and pain, I believe that is why you are feeling these things. I am not a counselor, just so you know. I could be off. Take care of yourself.